可不可能會愛你: 異性男女做不到 "只是朋友"

Can man and women ever be “just friends”? Few other questions have provoked debates as intense, family dinners as awkward, literature as lurid, or movies as memorable. Still, the question remains unanswered. Daily experience suggests that non-romantic friendships between males and females are not only possible, but common—men and women live, work, and play side-by-side.

異性戀的男女可以做到“只是朋友”嗎？沒有別的問題可以像這個問題一樣引出熱烈的討論了：像家宴一樣尷尬，像文學一樣動人，像電影一樣難忘。而這個問題依然沒有得到解答。日常經驗表明，男女之間不帶浪漫色彩的純友誼關係不僅可能，而且十分普遍——男女可以一起生活、工作、並肩玩樂。

However, the possibility remains that this apparently platonic coexistence is merely a façade. New research suggests that there may be some truth to this possibility—that we may think we’re capable of being “just friends” with members of the opposite sex, but the opportunity (or perceived opportunity) for “romance” is often lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce at the most inopportune moment.

然而，這種柏拉圖式的共處可能只是表面現象。新的研究顯示，雖然這種可能性也許是有事實依據的：我們可能認爲自己有能力和異性“只做朋友”，然而“浪漫”的機會（或者說感覺到的機會）通常就藏在某個角落，等待一個最不湊巧的時刻迸發。

In order to investigate the viability of truly platonic opposite-sex friendships, researchers brought 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends into a science lab. Privacy was paramount—for example, imagine the fallout if two friends learned that one—and only one—had unspoken romantic feelings for the other throughout their relationship.

爲了調查單純的柏拉圖式異性友誼的可行性，研究人員將88對異性大學生朋友帶入了一間實驗室。隱私是最重要的。比如說想象一下，假設兩個朋友發現其中一人（單方面）在兩人的關係中對另一個人有還沒說出口的浪漫感覺，那會很尷尬。

In order to ensure honest responses, the researchers not only followed standard protocols regarding anonymity and confidentiality, but also required both friends to agree—verbally, and in front of each other—to refrain from discussing the study, even after they had left the testing facility. These friendship pairs were then separated, and each member of each pair was asked a series of questions related to his or her romantic feelings (or lack thereof) toward the friend with whom they were taking the study.

爲了確保得到真實的反饋，研究人員不僅遵循匿名和保密的標準協議，而且要求每一對朋友都同意在對方面前不要討論這項研究，哪怕在他們結束試驗後也不行。之後這些朋友被分開，每一對朋友都分別被詢問一系列關於他/她對另一人的浪漫感覺（或者沒有感覺）的問題。

The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief.

結果表明，男女對待異性友誼的感受存在巨大的性別差異。和女性相比，男性更容易被異性朋友所吸引，也更容易認爲異性朋友被自己所吸引——這顯然是自我感覺良好。

In fact, men’s estimates of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women actually felt, and almost everything to do with how the men themselves felt—basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends.

事實上，男性對於自己對女性朋友的吸引程度的估計和這些女性的真實感受完全無關，幾乎都是這些男性自己的感覺——基本上來說，男性總是假設他們感受到的浪漫吸引是相互的，而對於他們的女性朋友對自己到底有多少浪漫的興趣視而不見。

Women, too, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends.

而女性往往也不明白她們異性朋友的心態；因爲一般來說女性不會被男性朋友所吸引，她們也假設男性朋友不會被自己所吸引。結果就是，男性始終高估了自己對女性朋友的吸引力，而女性又一直低估了自己對男性朋友的吸引力。

Men were also more willing to act on this mistakenly perceived mutual attraction. Both men and women were equally attracted to romantically involved opposite-sex friends and those who were single; “hot” friends were hot and “not” friends were not, regardless of their relationship status. However, men and women differed in the extent to which they saw attached friends as potential romantic partners. Although men were equally as likely to desire “romantic dates” with “taken” friends as with single ones, women were sensitive to their male friends’ relationship status and uninterested in pursuing those who were already involved with someone else.

男性還更願意讓這種錯覺下的相互吸引繼續下去。不管對方是正在戀愛中還是單身，男女都會被這些異性朋友所吸引；不論他們的感情狀態如何，有吸引力的朋友就是有吸引力，沒有的就是沒有。然而，在何種程度上會把朋友視爲潛在的浪漫對象，男女也存在差別。無論是對於已經有另一半的朋友還是單身的朋友，男性都同樣希望和她們有“浪漫的約會”，而女性對於她們男性朋友的感情狀態比較敏感，她們沒有興趣和那些已經有另一半的男性繼續下去。

These results suggest that men, relative to women, have a particularly hard time being “just friends.” What makes these results particularly interesting is that they were found within particular friendships. This is not just a bit of confirmation for stereotypes about sex-hungry males and naïve females; it is direct proof that two people can experience the exact same relationship in radically different ways. Men seem to see myriad opportunities for romance in their supposedly platonic opposite-sex friendships. The women in these friendships, however, seem to have a completely different orientation—one that is actually platonic.

這些結果說明，相比較女性而言，男性更難做到“只是朋友”。而這些結果是在特定的友誼中得出的，這讓調查結果更有意思。這不僅證實了大家對於充滿性渴望的男性和天真單純的女性的固有印象，還直接證明了同一段關係中的兩個人可以有着完全不同的感覺。在一段應該是柏拉圖式的異性友誼中，男性似乎看到了無數的浪漫可能，而女性的視角則完全不同——就是單純的柏拉圖式關係。

To the outside observer, it seems clear that these vastly different views about the potential for romance in opposite-sex friendships could cause serious complications—and people within opposite-sex relationships agree. In a follow-up study, 249 adults (many of whom were married) were asked to list the positive and negative aspects of being friends with a specific member of the opposite sex. Variables related to romantic attraction were five times more likely to be listed as negative aspects of the friendship than as positive ones.

在局外人看來，很顯然，由於男女對於異性友誼中潛在浪漫的看法存在巨大差異，這會帶來極大的麻煩，有異性朋友的人們也同意這一點。在一項後續調查中，249個成年人（其中很多人已婚）被要求列出和某位異性交朋友的正面和負面因素。把“浪漫吸引” 列爲負面因素的人是將其列爲正面因素的5倍。

However, the differences between men and women appeared here as well. Males were significantly more likely than females to list romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, and this discrepancy increased as men aged—males on the younger end of the spectrum were four times more likely than females to report romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, whereas those on the older end of the spectrum were ten times more likely to do the same.

然而，在這個問題上男女依然存在區別。男性比女性更容易將浪漫吸引列爲異性友誼的好處，而且這種差異隨着男性年齡的增長會擴大。在這項調查中年輕的男性將浪漫吸引列爲異性友誼好處的傾向是女性的4倍，而在更年長的男性那裏，這個數字是10倍。

Taken together, these studies suggest that men and women have vastly different views of what it means to be “just friends”—and that these differing views have the potential to lead to trouble. Although women seem to be genuine in their belief that opposite-sex friendships are platonic, men seem unable to turn off their desire for something more. And even though both genders agree overall that attraction between platonic friends is more negative than positive, males are less likely than females to hold this view.

綜上所述，這些調查說明男女對於“只做朋友”的含義的理解大有不同——而這種差異可能導致麻煩。儘管女性似乎真的相信異性友誼可以是柏拉圖式的，男性似乎難以控制產生更多的慾望。不過男女基本都同意，單純朋友之間的吸引帶來的消極因素多於積極因素，女性比男性更容易持有這種觀點。

So, can men and women be “just friends?” If we all thought like women, almost certainly. But if we all thought like men, we’d probably be facing a serious overpopulation crisis.

那麼，男女到底可不可能“只是朋友”呢？如果我們都像女性一樣考慮，答案几乎是肯定的。但是如果我們都像男性一樣思考，我們恐怕要面對嚴重的人口過剩危機了。