海外文化:哭窮不哭窮 文化各不同

A few weeks ago, we had some friends over we hadn't seen in a while. While catching up, they asked my husband, Alejandro, how his new business was going.

幾個星期前，有幾個有段日子沒見的朋友過來玩。在詢問各自近況時，他們問我丈夫亞歷杭德羅(Alejandro)新開的公司怎麼樣。

Alejandro shuffled and shrugged and stared at the floor.

亞歷杭德羅支支吾吾，聳聳肩，盯着地板。

'Up and down, you know. Money come in, money goes out. Lots of problems,' he muttered. Our friends glanced at each other, avoided eye contact with us and uncomfortably changed the topic. I could tell they feared they had touched a raw nerve.

他低聲嘀咕道，“生意時好時壞，你們知道的，有賺有虧，問題不少。”朋友們交換了個眼色，不敢直視我們，很彆扭地轉換了話題。看得出來，他們覺得自己觸及到了一根敏感神經。

I spoke up.

我開口說話了。

'His company is going great!' I volunteered. 'Way better than his projections. He's doing a great job. This guy is amazing,' I said, pointing at my husband, who looked completely mortified and slipped away to fiddle with the music.

“公司很順利，比預期的還要好得多。他經營得非常好，真的很厲害。”我指着丈夫說，而他則看上去有些尷尬，藉着去調音樂走開了。

The whole evening I wanted to have a talking-to with Alejandro, and after they left I did.

整個晚上我都想找機會跟丈夫談談，客人走後，我就去找他。

'Why won't you tell our friends how your business is going? You gave them the impression it's awful when it's actually going really well,' I complained.

“你爲什麼不把真實情況告訴他們？公司明明一切順利，你卻給他們留下相反的印象。”

Turns out he was equally annoyed with the way I'd responded.

結果，他對我的做法一樣很有意見。

'It sounds like you're bragging. I don't want to go around telling people I'm some kind of big shot and I'm making all this money,' he said.

“你聽上去像是在吹噓，我不想到處跟人顯擺，說我怎麼怎麼厲害，賺了多少錢。”他說道。

The topic of money is such a divisive theme in many marriages, I'm relieved that Alejandro and I have so much common ground. But this incident brought to my attention a little-discussed relationship wrinkle: The difference in how we talk about our financial status with the outside world. I realized that my husband and I have never come to an agreement about what we are comfortable revealing, or shielding, about our economic situation. Instead, we regularly annoy each other by following what we are sure is common sense.

在婚姻生活中，金錢是一個很容易引起家庭不和的話題。我很慶幸自己和亞歷杭德羅有很多共同語言，但這件事讓我關注到一個雙方很少談及但可能影響夫妻關係的問題：我們與外界談論自己財務狀況時所採取的方式不同。我意識到，我丈夫和我從來沒有就這件事達成過一致意見，即到底以什麼方式公佈或隱藏我們的經濟狀況比較好。相反，我們經常用自己的方式行事，覺得理所當然，結果卻惹怒了另一方。

One example of the tension arises during our annual trips to Uruguay, Alejandro's home country. When we get there, I refuse to sleep on friends' living-room floors or in cheap hotels as Alejandro wants to do. Instead, at my insistence, we've rented large apartments or comfortable houses at the beach. With Alejandro pushing back every step of the way, we have had many arguments. His complaint: 'People here will think we have more money than they do.'

比如說，每年我們回亞歷杭德羅的老家烏拉圭探親時，就會發生這樣的衝突。到烏拉圭後，我不願在朋友家的客廳打地鋪，或住在亞歷杭德羅訂的便宜酒店裏。在我的堅持下，我們要麼租大一點的公寓，要麼租海邊的房子。亞歷杭德羅每次都再三阻撓，兩人在這問題上總是有很多爭執。亞歷杭德羅抱怨說，“這裏的人會覺得我們比他們有錢。”

I know tons of people who have more money than I do, and I like them anyway, I answer. It's always been hard for me to understand how this could be a problem.

我回答道，我認識很多比我有錢的人，但依然跟他們做朋友。我一直很難理解，爲什麼這會成爲一個問題。

On the flip side, I find it so frustrating when I hear Alejandro rattling off his business worries and liabilities to my dad, without sharing the upsides and triumphs. My dad, a former stockbroker, loves business and is so excited about Alejandro's trucking company. He goes with him to inspect the big rigs, quizzes the drivers about their lives and tabulates gas expenses. I fantasize that Alejandro will call up his father-in-law some day and share the news about a banner month. But let's be realistic: Alejandro could hardly imagine anything more embarrassing.

站到另一面來講，我很不願意亞歷杭德羅跟我父親唸叨他生意上的一些煩心事以及要擔負的責任，而從不說一些好消息和取得的成績。我父親以前是個股票經紀人，喜歡經商，對亞歷杭德羅開的貨運公司很熱心，他會跟亞歷杭德羅一起出去檢查大貨車，詢問司機的生活情況，把汽油開支製成表格。我很期待某天亞歷杭德羅能給父親打個電話，告訴他這個月公司的業績很棒；但我還是現實一點吧：亞歷杭德羅可能覺得沒有比這種自我標榜更令人尷尬的事情了。

With the 'how's the business' question coming up so frequently, we decided to talk through our positions and create some ground rules.

由於“生意怎麼樣”這類問題越來越頻繁地出現，我們倆決定好好談一談，確定一些基本的原則。

In Uruguay, Alejandro explained, the highest praise you can give a person is to say they 'have a low profile.' Rich people, Alejandro says, are assumed to have cheated someone on the path to wealth and are often viewed with suspicion. Thus, Uruguayans will often go out of their way to assure you they are flat broke and everything is going terribly. I've often marveled at how in Uruguay, whenever someone lets slip something positive about their lives, the words 'por suerte,' meaning 'by luck,' immediately follow.

亞歷杭德羅向我解釋，在烏拉圭，對一個人的最高評價是“爲人低調”。人們認爲，有錢人在積累財富的過程中一定會欺騙別人，因此往往對富人報以懷疑的目光。因此，烏拉圭人經常想方設法向別人展示自己很窮，日子過得不好。我經常對烏拉圭人的一個習慣感到驚訝：無論什麼時候，只要一個人談起自己生活中比較好的一些事情，總會緊跟着一句“por suerte”，意思是“這只是走運而已”。

Things could hardly be more different in the U.S., I told Alejandro, as I defined the term 'poor-mouthing' and how harshly it is looked down upon in this culture. Success is such a deeply ingrained expectation in this society that we loathe burdening our family or friends with admissions of hardship. When I indicate to family and friends that we're doing well and all is calm on the financial front, I don't feel I'm bragging but rather putting them at ease.

我對亞歷杭德羅說，美國人的習慣正好相反。我解釋了什麼叫“哭窮”(poor-mouthing)，以及美國文化如何鄙視那些哭窮的人。在美國社會，成功是根植於每個人心中的一種期待，以至於美國人不願向家人和朋友們承認自己日子過得艱難。當我告訴親友自己過得很好，財務方面毫無問題時，我不覺得自己在吹噓，而是爲了讓他們放心。

We both conceded that talking about money is generally in bad taste and to be avoided when possible. Alejandro agreed that when discussing his company with our closest friends and family, he will be more transparent and upbeat when the news warrants it. Around Uruguayans, I've agreed to be more respectful of the 'low profile' gold standard: I'll stay in a cheap hotel or two in Uruguay and make sure I'm not painting our lives too rosy.

我們倆達成一致意見，談論金錢通常沒有什麼品位，應儘量避免。亞歷杭德羅同意，今後在與好友和家人談論公司情況時，會基於事實講得更清楚和樂觀一些。我同意會更尊重烏拉圭社會“爲人低調”的黃金準則，在那裏住便宜一點的酒店，並確保不把我們的生活說得過於花團錦簇。

And if someone asks us how things are going overall, I'm going to try to be mindful to downplay a bit and Alejandro to up-play a bit. It's a happy medium. Por suerte.

今後如果有人問我們過得怎麼樣，我會注意說得低調一點，而亞歷杭德羅則要說得更正面一些。這符合快樂的中庸之道。Por suerte，這只是走運而已。