經典文章：以死亡的種子換取生命的果實

摘錄：住在美國阿肯色州的妮基18歲，之前從沒有聽別人談論過自殺這回事。但當這事發生在自己家人身上時，她覺得不能再沉默了。

My little brother, Tyler, and I were extremely close growing up. We’d make up top-secret handshakes after watching our favorite show. We spent hours talking about music: I play the clarinet[單簧管], and Ty was a true band geek[怪胎] whose trumpet[小號] was never far out of his reach. Sure, we bickered[鬥嘴] over stupid stuff—it drove me crazy when he’d leave up the toilet seat in the bathroom! But we told each other everything. Or so I’d thought.

我和弟弟泰勒自幼就非常親近。我們會在看完最喜歡的節目後來個祕密握手;我們會花很長時間討論音樂：我吹奏單簧管，泰則是一個不折不扣的樂隊怪胎，小號從不離手。當然，我們也會爲一些無聊小事爭吵——每次他在浴室上完廁所卻沒有把廁所板放下我就抓狂!然而我們無話不說——或者我原以爲是這樣吧。

Dazed [茫然的] and Confused

　　茫然與困惑

There was nothing particularly memorable about the cold midwinter Arkansas day when Ty killed himself. Ty, 14, got home from band practice and did the usual: cheerfully greeted everyone, then went straight to his room to practice his trumpet. Once dinner was ready, he joined my mom, my dad, and me to eat barbecued[烤肉] chicken while watching TV. I noticed then that Ty wasn’t talking much—typically[通常] he and my dad joked around the whole time. But it didn’t seem like anything was wrong, and after taking out the trash, Ty went back to his room. I had no idea it would be the last time I’d see him.

泰自殺的那個仲冬天，寒冷的阿肯色一切如常，沒有發生什麼印象特別深刻的事情。14歲的泰參加完樂隊訓練後回到家，像平常那樣高興地向各人問好，然後徑直走回自己房間練習小號。晚餐準備好後，他跟爸爸媽媽和我一邊吃烤雞，一邊看電視。我發現泰沒怎麼說話——通常他和爸爸會不停地開玩笑。但沒什麼不對勁兒的。倒完垃圾後，泰回到自己的房間。我沒想到這是我最後一次見他。

It was nearly 8 o’ clock when I heard what sounded like glass breaking coming from Ty’s room. My dad went to find out what happened, then my mom checked too before dragging[拖，拉] me into their bedroom. “What’s going on?” I asked. She was crying so hard, she couldn’t answer. Then my dad showed up with all of our shoes and coats and screamed, “He’s still got a pulse[脈搏]. We’re going to the emergency room[急救室]!”

差不多8點的時候，我聽見泰的房間裏傳出類似玻璃破碎的聲音。爸爸過去看看發生什麼事。媽媽也去查看了，之後她把我拉到他們房間。“發生什麼事了?”我問。她哭得很厲害，根本無法作答。爸爸隨後拿着我們的鞋子和外套出現了，他叫道：“他還有脈搏。我們要去急救室!”

“Oh, my God, I don’t get it! What happened?” I yelled. But no one answered me. All of a sudden, an ambulance[救護車] was at my house, and we got into the car and sped off behind it. When we arrived at the hospital, Mom and I were put in a private room while my dad checked on Ty. “What’s going on?!” I asked again. Mom was hyperventilating[強力呼吸], but she was able to catch her breath enough to say, “Ty tried to kill himself.”

“噢，我的天啊，我不明白!發生什麼事了?”我叫道。但沒有人回答我。突然，一輛救護車來到我家。我們也上了車，驅車緊跟其後。到達醫院後，媽媽和我被安排在一個單間，爸爸則去查看泰的情況。“到底怎麼回事?!”我再次問到。媽媽竭力地呼吸，但終於能夠緩過氣說話：“泰試圖自殺。”

I was in total denial[否認]. “That’s not funny!” I yelled. Then my dad returned, looked at my mom, and shook his head as if to say, “Ty didn’t make it.” My mom passed out[昏倒]. I didn’t have any emotion. I wasn’t even crying. NOTHING made sense[有意義].

我一點也不相信。“開什麼玩笑!”我叫道。爸爸回來了。他看着媽媽搖了搖頭，彷彿在說：“泰沒活過來。”媽媽暈倒了。我一點感覺也沒有，甚至沒有哭。一切都顯得毫無意義。

Feeling Lost

　　悵然若失

After Ty shot himself, my family alternated[交替，輪流] between tears and silence, barely leaving the house. I didn’t go to school for more than four months. I just couldn’t understand why he’d done it—he’d never said that anything was wrong, and it wasn’t until after Ty died that his friend told us that my brother had confessed[承認，坦白] to having thoughts of suicide[自殺]. I went to therapy[治療], but I didn’t like talking to a stranger. Thankfully my best friend was always there for me, but she never pushed me to share my feelings.

泰開槍自殺後，我們一家總是在眼淚和沉默之間徘徊，幾乎沒有離開過房子。我有四個多月沒去上學。我實在不明白他爲什麼要這樣做——他從未說過有什麼問題。泰死後，他的朋友才告訴我們泰曾經承認有自殺的念頭。我接受過治療，但始終不喜歡跟陌生人說話。幸好我最好的朋友一直在我左右，不過她從來不會強迫我說出自己的感覺。

When I returned to school, I was surprised that most people treated me normally. That helped because I wanted to act as if it hadn’t happened. But just because nobody mentioned the word suicide didn’t make it disappear. I felt so alone with my feelings, and I didn’t really have anyone I could turn to who had real experience with suicide.

重返學校後，我很驚訝地發現大多數人像平常那樣對我。那很有用，因爲我希望一切如常，好像那件事沒有發生過。雖然沒有人提“自殺”這個詞，但並不代表它就消失了。我感到很孤獨，也找不到誰有過涉及自殺的真實經歷可以幫我。

The following spring, I had to do a project for a community-service class, and I realized my topic should be suicide awareness[意識]. I thought if more people talked about it, maybe it wouldn’t happen to another teen. I called the Arkansas Crisis Center, the group who’d spoken to kids at my brother’s school right after his death. I told them I wanted to raise awareness and keep my brother’s memory alive, and when I asked if I could help organize a walkathon注, they said yes! I was so comforted when I saw hundreds of people show up to support my family and other survivors who’d lost loved ones to suicide—I knew then that I wasn’t alone.

第二年春天，我要爲社會服務課做一個方案，我意識到應該以“自殺意識”爲主題。我想如果多些人討論它，也許自殺就不會發生在其他青少年身上。我打電話給阿肯色危機中心，也就是在我弟弟死後到他學校跟孩子們交談的團體。我對他們說我希望提高人們對自殺的關注，並希望大家記住我弟弟。當我問能否幫忙組織一場步行馬拉松時，他們說可以!看到數以百計的人到來支持我們家，看到那些因自殺而失去至愛的人，我倍感欣慰——我知道自己並不是孤身作戰。

Shedding Some Light

　　一點希望

Being open about suicide rather than treating it like a secret felt so incredible that I started to speak at school assemblies[集會]. Sharing Ty’s story is helping me heal, and so far I’ve had two people confess that they had thoughts of suicide. I directed them to help right away. It is so amazing to know that another family wouldn’t have to go through what mine did. If Ty were here, I think he’d be really proud of me and happy to know his life is having such a positive[積極的] effect on others.

坦然面對自殺，而不是將它當作一個祕密，這感覺真好。所以我開始在學校的集會上發言。分享泰的故事幫助我治癒(創傷)。至今已經有兩個人向我坦白說他們想過自殺。我馬上指引他們接受幫助。知道另一個家庭不用經歷我們所經歷的一切，真是太好了。如果泰還在，我想他會爲我感到十分自豪，也一定會爲自己的生命給別人帶來積極的影響而高興。

　　伸出援手

如果你認識的人想不開，你可以試試以下方法：

發現自殺信號。留意情緒是否有變化——你的朋友已經有兩個星期表現得很沮喪;平時喜歡做的事情現在都不做了;情緒起伏不定;或者突然離羣獨居。

告訴其他人。不要把自殺當成祕密。如果你的朋友承認曾經傷害自己，你要告訴家長或老師——即使他/她要你發誓保密。你或許可以挽救一個生命!

聽取意見。你可以諮詢當地的防止自殺組織，聽取他們的意見。

注：尤指在美國和加拿大爲特定事業籌款而進行的步行馬拉松。