夫妻之道——共同愛好成就永恆愛情

Roland Nelson remembers receiving a slim, rectangular Father's Day present from his wife a few years ago. He was hoping for a circular saw and figured it was a gift certificate.
羅蘭•納爾遜(Roland Nelson)記得，幾年前他從妻子那兒收到了一份父親節禮物，那是個薄薄的、長方形的東西。他原本希望能收到一個圓盤鋸，但收到禮物後，他覺得那應該是一張禮品券。

Wrong. It was a book, 'The Backyard Beekeeper,' and tucked inside was a note his wife had written: 'Take some time and read this and see what you think.' Mr. Nelson stared in disbelief. 'Why won't she drop this?' he e K. Nelson had been interested in bees since childhood. For about a year─ever since she'd seen a backyard hive on a garden tour─she had been badgering her husband to take up beekeeping with her. She explained how healthy honey is and how bees would pollinate their fruit trees. She also told him how the bees would spark up their marriage. 'You have to take new opportunities to create memories and have things to talk and laugh about,' she says.
他猜錯了。那是一本書，書名叫《後院養蜂人》(The Backyard Beekeeper)。書中還夾了一張紙條，是他妻子寫的：“花點兒時間讀一讀這本書，看看你有什麼想法。”納爾遜盯着這些字，覺得難以置信，“她爲什麼還不肯罷休？”朱莉•k•納爾遜(Julie K. Nelson)從孩童時期就對蜜蜂着迷。大約有一年時間──自從她在一次花園之旅中看見一個後院蜂房後──她就一直在糾纏丈夫，讓他和自己一起着手養蜂。朱莉解釋說蜂蜜有多健康、蜜蜂會如何給他們的果樹傳授花粉。她還告訴他，蜜蜂將如何點燃兩人婚姻的激情。她說：“你得抓住新的機會來創造我們共同的回憶，日後我們纔會擁有可以邊聊邊笑的往昔。”

Mr. Nelson's response? 'Bees sting,' he said. 'Why on earth would I want to bring thousands of them into my backyard?'
納爾遜的反應呢？ “蜜蜂會蜇人”，他說，“到底爲什麼我要把成千上萬的蜜蜂帶進自己的後院兒？”

Relationship researchers have long believed that couples who try new interests and recreational pursuits together─especially active ones─are happier. Shared experiences bring novelty to a relationship and help prevent boredom and complacency. New experiences also can activate the brain's reward system, flooding it with powerful neurochemicals related to pleasure and bonding─the same circuits triggered when a person first falls in love
男女關係研究者長期以來都認爲，那些試着一起培養新的興趣愛好、共同參與新鮮娛樂活動的夫妻──尤其是那些主動這樣做的伴侶──會更幸福。共同的經歷會給一段感情帶來新鮮感，還有助於避免無聊和自滿。全新的體驗還能激發大腦的獎勵系統，讓大腦充滿與樂趣和依戀相關的強大的神經化學物質──當一個人第一次墜入愛河的時候，大腦中同樣的迴路會被激活。

There is a big caveat, though: To give your relationship a boost with a new hobby, both of you will need to enjoy it.
但有一點要特別注意：想要通過培養一個新的愛好來增進你們之間的感情，兩個人都需能樂在其中

You could start from scratch, and try something brand new to both of you. But if your partner has a passion, don't you at least want to try to share it? You'll see a new side of your beloved. (Competence is sexy!) And you'll have your own private teacher. At the very least, you'll get bonus points for the effort.
你們可以從零開始，嘗試一些對兩個人而言都是完全陌生的東西。但如果你的伴侶對此飽含激情，你是不是起碼也該想着嘗試去分享它？你將會發現自己心愛的人的全新的一面。 （有一身本領的人是性感的！）。你們還將擁有專屬於自己的私人老師。最不濟的話，你起碼也會因爲這份努力而有所收穫。

If this sounds easy, then you probably haven't ever been on a sailboat, ski slope, hiking trail or golf course with a perfectly outfitted, exceedingly proficient and overly gung-ho spouse.
如果這一點聽起來很簡單的話，那很可能是因爲你從未同整裝待發、技能純熟且勁頭十足的伴侶一起坐上過帆船、站上滑雪坡、踏上遠足小徑或進入過高爾夫球場。

Just ask my mom, who loves to paint and sew and whose idea of the perfect outdoor activity is a convertible drive to the frozen yogurt store. To spend time with my dad during their 49 years of marriage, she has camped, canoed, fished, sailed, skied and scuba dived. My family gets a big kick out of a home movie she took years ago while shivering in a duck blind on a pond in Minnesota. Dressed head-to-toe in camouflage, Mom is whispering into the camera: '5 a.m. and we're waiting for ducks.' You can hear dad's duck call, then Mom is back: '6 a.m. No ducks. . . . 8 a.m. still no ducks.' By 10, Mom is trying to stop giggling and Dad is glum and grumpy. You can imagine the canoe trip back to shore.
這方面的事就問問我媽媽吧，她熱衷於繪畫和針線活兒，她頭腦中最完美的戶外活動就是開着敞篷車去那家冷凍酸奶店。在和我爸爸49年的婚姻生活中，她參加過露營、劃過獨木舟、揚帆出過海、釣過魚、滑過雪，也潛過水。我們一家子從她多年前拍的家庭錄影中獲得了極大的樂趣。當時，媽媽是在明尼蘇達州一個池塘上的鴨舍裏搖晃着拍下了這部片子。從頭到腳穿着迷彩服的她對着攝像機小聲說：“現在是凌晨五點，我們都在等鴨子。”你能聽到爸爸的鴨鳴器響，然後媽媽回到鏡頭前說：“現在是早上六點，沒看到鴨子……八點了，還是沒有鴨子。”到了10點，媽媽試着忍住不要再笑出聲，爸爸卻陰沉着臉、發着脾氣。你能想象來那次獨木舟回岸之旅的情形。

So how can couples enjoy doing something together that only one partner is passionate about?
所以當只有一方對活動飽含激情時，如何讓夫妻二人都樂在其中呢？

et's start with the newbie. First of all, don't do it if you are going to act like a martyr, says Diana Kirschner, a New York psychologist and author of the book 'Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love.' 'You are going to kill the joy for the person who is into the activity,' she says. Keep an open mind and push back your ego. Take direction.
讓我們從入門級的新手說起吧。紐約的一位心理學家、《一切搞定：愛情導師教你長久相愛》一書的作者戴安娜•科斯切納(Diana Kirschner)說，首先，如果你打算把自己扮成一個殉道者的角色，那就乾脆不要做。她說：“那樣的話，對於全身心投入到活動中的那個人來說，你將會抹殺他（她）的樂趣。”所以要保持開放的心態，讓你的自我退後一步，然後再上路。

Now for the proficient partner. Dr. Kirschner says this person has the harder job─making the activity pleasurable for the other person. She suggests 'rewarding' (also known as bribing) the newbie─'just as you would a child.' So repeat after me: 'I brought along your special chips.' 'Later we can have a nice dinner at that romantic restaurant near the ski slope.' 'The boat club serves an awesome rum cocktail called The Painkiller.'
再說說已經掌握了技能的那一方伴侶。科斯切納說，這個人身負更艱鉅的任務──即讓對方也能享受到活動的樂趣。她建議要“獎勵”（也被稱爲賄賂）新手──“就像對你的孩子一樣。”跟着我重複一遍：“我給你帶了特別的薯片。”“一會兒我們就能在滑雪坡附近那家有情調的餐廳享受美味佳餚了。”“那家船艇俱樂部有一種特別好喝的朗姆雞尾酒，名叫療傷者。”

The proficient partner needs to be patient and focus on the long-term goal─which is to introduce your loved one to your pastime so that he or she will want to do it again. In other words, the hike today might not be as demanding as you would like. 'You want to have a vision of a future where you are going to have a fantastic time together and will get even closer,' Dr. Kirschner says.
熟悉活動的那一方需要有耐心，並且要專注於長期目標──那就是將愛人引入你的興趣愛好中，讓他或她以後還想再參與進來。換言之，今天的徒步旅行可能不及你想要的那樣盡如人意。科斯切納說，“對於未來，你想要的是這樣一幅光景：你們倆將共享美好時光，二人的關係也更爲親密。”When one partner is outside his or her comfort zone, arguments can heat up quickly. This person might be terrified─and, really, is there anyone less empathetic than a spouse who doesn't share your sense of danger? 'The other person feels inept and less-than,' Dr. Kirschner says. 'This kind of negative thinking spills into conflict and distance in the relationship.'
當一方處於他或她的舒適區外時，爭吵很快就會升溫。他或她可能會覺得驚恐──確實如此，當你的配偶不能分擔你的危機感時，世上還有比這位伴侶更不善解人意的人嗎？科斯切納說：“另一方則會認爲自己無能爲力。這種負面想法會滲透到兩者關係中，造成衝突和距離。”

Luckily, there's an easy solution: Applause. The proficient partner needs to heap praise on the newbie for his or her effort. ('What a fantastic partner you are to come along. I really appreciate it.') The newbie, meanwhile, needs to amp up the admiration for the proficient partner's skill. ('The way you skied that black diamond was amazing!')
幸運地是，有一種簡便易行的解決辦法：誇獎。身爲老手的這一方需要向新手那方所付出的努力大加讚賞。（“你是多麼棒的一個搭檔啊，我很感激你的參與和陪伴。”）與此同時，新手這邊則需加倍誇讚老手嫺熟的技能。（“你用黑鑽滑板滑雪的樣子太驚豔了！”）

'Those words mean a lot,' Dr. Kirschner says. 'Men, because they are so achievement-oriented, seem to respond to them even more than women.' There's no predicting, though, whether men or women are better at being the newbie.
基施納說：“那些話非常有意義，因爲它們是成就導向型語言，所以男性對它們的反應似乎比女性更多。”儘管如此，目前還沒有預測說到底是男性還是女性在新手階段會表現得更好。

Stanley Bernstein, a 56-year-old securities litigator living in New Rochelle, N.Y., did something drastic a few years ago to spend more time with his wife. He laced up a pair of ice skates.
爲了多陪陪妻子，現居紐約州新羅謝爾市(New Rochelle)、今年56歲的證券訴訟律師斯坦利•伯恩斯坦(Stanley Bernstein)曾在幾年前做了一些極端的事。他穿上了一雙溜冰鞋。

Vivian Bernstein, an interior designer in her late 40s, had taken up figure skating as an adult and was skating five days a week. Mr. Bernstein thought he might have skated once when he was 10. 'We were taking separate but equal vacations,' Mr. Bernstein says. 'She would skate, and I would play golf.' He asked his wife to golf with him. She gave him a pair of skates.
室內設計師維維安•伯恩斯坦(Vivian Bernstein)在40多歲時以成人學員的身份開始學習花樣滑冰，她一週有五天會去滑冰。而斯坦利記得自己好像在10歲的時候曾滑過一次冰。他說：“我們過去都是各自分開休假，但假期性質差不多。她會去滑冰，而我去打高爾夫球。”斯坦利曾要妻子和他一道去打高爾夫，妻子卻回贈了他一雙溜冰鞋。

Mr. Bernstein admitted he was scared. Ms. Bernstein took him to a rink where he would be unlikely to see anyone he knew. She taught him to 'walk like a duck' with a side-to-side glide. He was practicing in a corner of the rink─'crouched down, my heart racing, petrified of falling,' he recalls─and a 10-year-old boy skated up and said, 'Hey, Mr. Bernstein. You wanna race?' Behind him was his snickering father, an attorney Mr. Bernstein knows from a rival firm
斯坦利承認自己當時被嚇到了。維維安帶他去了一家室內溜冰場──他不太可能在那裏碰到任何熟人。維維安教他要“像鴨子一樣走路”，左邊滑一下、右邊滑一下。斯坦利便躲到滑冰場的角落裏去練習──他回憶說：“我蹲了下來，我的心臟狂跳，因爲害怕摔倒而僵在那裏。”──然後有一個10歲的男孩兒朝他滑來說： “嘿，伯恩斯坦先生，你想跟我比試一下嗎？”站在男孩兒身後的是他竊笑的父親──斯坦利對手公司的一位律師，斯坦利認識他。

Mr. Bernstein stuck with it, and now the couple travels to national competitions, goes on Saturday night skate dates and takes their young grandchildren to the rink. 'I'm never going to play for the Rangers, but it's a fun thing to do together,' Mr. Bernstein says. 'It keeps things from getting boring,' Ms. Bernstein says.
斯坦利還是堅持了下來，現在他們夫婦二人前往各地參加國家級的比賽，共赴週六晚間的滑冰會，還會帶上年幼的孫子孫女去滑冰場。斯坦利說：“我這一輩子也不可能爲紐約巡遊者冰球隊(Rangers)效力，但和維維安一起去滑冰還是挺有意思的。”維維安則說：“這樣事情就不至於變得無聊了。”

Mr. Nelson, meanwhile, read the beekeeping book. 'I thought, maybe this isn't so bad,' says the 49-year-old university purchasing agent in Orem, Utah. He agreed to go with his wife to a beekeepers meeting, then to classes. Three years ago, they bought two hives, two bee suits and 24,000 honeybees.
而另一邊，猶他州奧勒姆市的一位大學採購代理、現年49歲的納爾遜先生正在讀着養蜂的書。他說：“我覺得，可能這也沒那麼糟吧。”他同意和妻子一道去參加一次養蜂人大會，然後再去上課。三年前，他們買下了兩個蜂房、兩套養蜂服和24,000只蜜蜂。

On the way home from the bee distributor, with the honeybees buzzing in boxes in the back of their station wagon, Ms. Nelson, a 49-year-old author and professor of education and behavioral science, felt elated. Her husband was sweating and planning his escape route. 'I thought I'd made a big mistake,' he says. But after they'd set up the hives, Mr. Nelson watched the bees fly in and out and was amazed at what the two had accomplished.
在從蜜蜂經銷商那兒往家走的路上，納爾遜夫婦用旅行車後備箱載了兩廂嗡嗡叫的蜜蜂。49歲的作家、教育和行爲科學教授納爾遜太太當時覺得很興奮。她的丈夫卻出了一身冷汗，正計劃盤算着自己的逃跑路線。他說：“當時我就覺得自己犯了一個大錯。”但當他們把蜂房都安置好以後，納爾遜先生看着那些蜜蜂飛進飛出，驚歎於自己和妻子的成果。

The first time they extracted honey, the bees swarmed them and somehow got inside Mr. Nelson's pants. He promptly stripped them off, neighbors be damned.
在納爾遜夫婦第一次採蜂蜜時，那些蜜蜂爬滿了他們的全身，還不知怎地鑽進了納爾遜先生的褲子。他立馬脫掉了褲子，鄰居們都看呆了。

Now, though, the couple is a beekeeping team, dividing responsibilities and communicating carefully about who will do which tasks.
而現在，夫妻二人則形成了一個養蜂小組，他們分工明確、各司其職，兩人還就誰做什麼進行了認真的交流。

'If you create fun, enriching experiences together, you reinvent yourself and your marriage,' Ms. Nelson says. 'You look at your partner in awe.'
納爾遜太太說：“如果你們共同創造豐富有趣的經歷，你們就重塑了自我，也重新譜寫了你們的婚姻。在注視自己伴侶的時候，你們就會心生敬意。”