對電話會議說不 Time to hang up on the pointless conference call
At 10.30am one day last week I got a reminder on my phone saying that at 11am I had to join a conference call. I spent the next 30 minutes mildly dreading it, and then at 10.59 dialled the number, put in the six-digit pin, and gave my name, as instructed.
某一天上午10點半，我收到了一條手機提醒，內容是11點我要參加一個電話會議。接下來的30分鐘我一直有點忐忑，然後在10:59撥通了號碼，輸入6位密碼，並按照提示報上了自己的大名。
“You are the first person joining the call,” said an electronic voice. I then listened to the William Tell Overture until I heard a robotic “Simon X — has joined the call.” Two seconds later someone called Katie joined. I had no idea who either of them were, but said hello.
“你是第一個加入會議的人，”電子語音稱。之後我一直在聽《威廉 爾序曲》(William Tell Overture Finale)，直到被一個機器人聲音“西蒙X(Simon X)已經加入會議”打斷。兩秒後，一個名叫凱蒂(Katie)的人加入。我不認識他們，但還是打了招呼。
“What’s the weather like where you are?” Simon ventured. We proceeded to make the world’s most desultory small talk, interrupted by every new arrival, each one necessitating a fresh discussion about who was on and who wasn’t.
“你那邊天氣怎麼樣？”西蒙嘗試打破尷尬。我們接着進行了世界上最不連貫的閒聊，不停地被新進入的人打斷，每一次都需要重新討論誰加進來了而誰還沒有。
Fifteen minutes after the call was meant to start it finally got going. Various people spoke about a management symposium we are all due to be talking at next month. When it was my turn, I waffled for a bit, pretending I had already work.d out what my talk was going to be about. Someone gave a guffaw, though I could work out neither who it was nor whether the laugh suggested approval or disdain. Then the organiser talked for some time about special dietary requirements, microphones and lecterns.
在原定時間的15分鐘後，我們終於開始開會。大家紛紛討論下個月要參加的一個管理研討會。輪到我說話時，我有點含糊其辭，假裝已經想好了自己將要在會上討論的內容。有人大笑起來，儘管我既不知道是誰在笑，也不知道這笑聲意味着贊同還是蔑視。然後會議的組織者說了一會兒關於特別飲食要求、麥克風和講臺的事。
At 11.54 it was over. Eight people in three time zones had wasted the best part of an hour on an exchange that could have been done in three minutes by email.
11:54，會議結束。來自3個時區的8個人，浪費了1個小時中的大部分時間來討論本來可以通過電子郵件用3分鐘解決的問題。
It is not hard to see why conference calls sound such a great idea. Business is global. People are not in the same place. Anything that allows them to have meetings without travelling has to be a good thing.
不難看出電話會議爲什麼聽起來是個超棒的主意。業務全球化。人們都在不同的地方。任何可以讓他們不用爲了開會而舟車勞頓的辦法都很好。
Neither is it hard to see why they can never work. To hold a meeting where you can never be sure who is talking — and often can’t hear them anyway — and where no one has done any preparation because they know they won’t get rumbled is to guarantee a discussion of the lowest possible order. Add to that sounds of dogs barking in the background and children being got off to school, because no conference call is ever complete without someone who is a stranger to the mute button, and it can only end badly.
也不難看出電話會議爲什麼從來一無用處。開會卻從不知道誰在說話——反正也經常聽不見——而且沒人會做任何準備，因爲他們知道自己不會被發現，這樣的討論註定是最混亂無序的。再加上背景中的狗吠聲和被送去上學的孩子的聲音——因爲沒有哪一次電話會議是在所有人都知道如何使用靜音鍵的情況下完成的——會議只能草草收場。
Far from making the world seem smaller, the conference call makes it feel bigger. The people who are hanging on the line when a hard core are together in the meeting room do not feel included. They feel second-class citizens, who are impossibly far away. It is no surprise that everyone hates them. There is a funny sketch by Tripp and Tyler sending up the conference call that has been watched 11m times on YouTube; I watched it again last week but didn’t laugh. It was too near the knuckle.
電話會議非但沒有拉近世界的距離，反而使世界顯得更大了。當一羣骨幹聚在會議室時，未在場的電話會議成員會感覺無法融入。他們會覺得自己是二等公民，身處千里之外。每個人都討厭電話會議，這並不令人意外。特里普(Tripp)與泰勒(Tyler)製作的關於電話會議的搞笑短劇在YouTube上的觀看次數達到1100萬；前一陣我又看了一遍視頻，但是笑不出來。太低級了。
What is surprising is that these virtual meetings go on happening. I seldom give a speech without having to endure a conference call in advance. A friend who works for a large global company tells me that every day two to three hours are given over to them, but in 10 years she cannot remember a single useful one.
令人驚訝的是，這些虛擬會議竟然能夠繼續存在。我往往要在不得不忍受電話會議的情況下講話。有一個在大型跨國公司工作的朋友告訴我，她每天在電話會議上要耗費兩三個小時，但是她想不起10年來有哪一次是有用的。
Email is often said to be the main bane of modern office life. But conference calls are surely worse. Emails can be deleted and ignored while a conference call puts one at the mercy of people gabbling away interminably at what is often an unsociable hour.
電子郵件常被稱爲現代辦公室生活中的主要禍害。但是電話會議必然有過之而無不及。人們可以刪除或忽略電子郵件，而電話會議中你得聽有些人喋喋不休說個沒完，在這一個小時中你也往往沒法去跟人結交。
Many companies have tried to improve matters by fiddling with the technology. Some are foisting video conferences on their people instead so that up to 100 individuals in far- flung places can now all watch each other while they pontificate.
很多公司試着通過利用技術來提高電話會議的質量。有些公司強制要求員工使用視頻會議，以便讓分散各地的許多人——有時可達上百人——可以在發表意見時看到彼此。
In a way this is an improvement, as at least you know who is talking, but it has the drawback that you can no longer attend from the gym or naked in bed. Worse still, you can’t do the only sensible thing when on a conference call: get on with your emails or unload the dishwasher.
從某種角度而言，這確實是一種改進，至少你知道誰在講話。壞處是你再也無法在健身房或者沒穿衣服躺在牀上時開會了。更糟的是，你再也無法去做電話會議中唯一明智的事——處理電子郵件或者騰空洗碗機了。
The main reason such conferences go on existing is political. Managers can cover their backs by saying they held a meeting in the knowledge that the format is too hopeless to produce a resolution.
這類會議繼續存在的主要原因在於政治層面。管理者可以借聲稱已經開過會來避免遭受批評，但卻明知這種形式的會議沒辦法達成解決方案。
Which leaves them free to impose whatever unpopular action they were planning in the first place. There is only one sort of conference call that should be allowed. It involves three or, at a stretch, four people who already know each other and who need to agree on something specific. It makes sense for example for an editor, a writer and a libel lawyer to have a conference call to discuss how best to keep out of jail.
這使他們可以隨心所欲地推行他們最初計劃的不受歡迎的舉措。只有一種電話會議是合理的。會議涉及3個人、頂多4個人，他們彼此認識，並且需要就某件具體的事達成一致。比如，一名編輯、一名作家及一名誹謗律師開一次電話會議來討論如何避免坐牢。
Otherwise there should be a rule. If something is so important it needs to be chewed over at length by more than four people, then a table must be found and people must travel to sit at it. If it is not so important, then the meeting ought not to take place at all.
否則就應該定下規矩。如果有件事非常重要，需要4人以上詳細地反覆討論，那麼就必須找張桌子，讓相關人士親自坐在桌旁。如果這件事沒那麼重要，那壓根就不應該開會。
