愛情保鮮的祕方
A few months ago my boyfriend and I poured ourselves two beers and opened our laptops. It was time to review the terms of our relationship contract.
幾個月前，我和男朋友給自己倒上兩杯啤酒，打開我們的筆記本電腦。又到了審覈我們的親密關係合同的時候了。Did we want to make changes? As Mark and I went through each category, we agreed to two minor swaps: my Tuesday dog walk for his Saturday one, and having me clean the kitchen counters and him take over the bathtub.
我們想做什麼改變嗎？在瀏覽各項類目的時候，我和馬克同意進行兩項小小的交換：我週二遛狗，他週六遛狗，我負責維持廚房檯面的清潔，他則負責打掃浴缸。The latest version of “Mark and Mandy’s Relationship Contract,” a four-page, single-spaced document that we sign and date, will last for exactly 12 months, after which we have the option to revise and renew it, as we’ve done twice before. The contract spells out everything from sex to chores to finances to our expectations for the future. And I love it.
最新版本的“馬克與曼迪的親密關係合同”是一份單行間距打印的四頁文件，有效期爲12個月整，末尾有我們的簽名，並註明了日期，之後我們有權選擇修訂或續簽，就像我們前兩次所做的那樣。這份合同涉及幾乎所有事項，從性事、家務活，到財務問題，再到我們對未來的預期。我很喜歡它。
Writing a relationship contract may sound calculating or unromantic, but every relationship is contractual; we’re just making the terms more explicit. It reminds us that love isn’t something that happens to us — it’s something we’re making together. After all, this approach brought us together in the first place.
寫一份親密關係合同，聽起來可能有些精於算計或不夠浪漫，但每段親密關係其實都是帶有契約性質的；我們只不過把這些條款變得更明確了。它提醒我們，愛情不是隨隨便便發生在我們身上的事——而是我們在一起成就的事。畢竟，最初正是這種方式讓我們走到了一起。Two and a half years ago, I wrote a Modern Love column about how Mark and I had spent our first date trying a psychological experiment that used 36 questions to help two strangers fall in love. That experience helped us to think about love not as luck or fate, but as the practice of really bothering to know someone, and allowing that person to know you. Being intentional about love seems to suit us well.
兩年半前，我爲“摩登情愛”寫過一篇專欄文章，講述我和馬克在第一次約會時嘗試一項心理學實驗的經歷，那項實驗用36個問題幫助兩個陌生人墜入愛河。那個實驗讓我們覺得愛情不是運氣或命運，而是一種實踐：你要真的費心去了解某人，也允許這個人來了解你。在愛情這件事上刻意努力，這種方式似乎很適合我們。In the past, expecting a relationship to work simply because the people involved loved each other had failed me. I spent my 20s with a man who knew exactly what he wanted and how he wanted to be. All I had wanted was for him to love me.
過去，我期待一段親密關係僅僅因爲彼此相愛就能維持，這種方式在我身上失敗了。20多歲的時候，我一直和一個確切知道自己要什麼、也知道自己想成爲什麼人的男人在一起。而我想要的，只是讓他愛我。We were together for almost a decade, and in that time I somehow lost track of my own habits and preferences. If I wanted to split the grocery bill, he suggested I buy only things we both liked. If I wanted to spend weekends together, I could go skiing with him and his friends. And so I did. I made my life look like his.
我們在一起近十年，這期間我不知怎麼失去了自己的習慣和偏好。如果我想平攤日用品開銷，他便會建議我只買我們都喜歡的東西。如果我想週末和他在一起，那就得跟他和他的朋友一起滑雪。我就這麼做了。我讓自己的生活看起來跟他的生活一樣。It wasn’t until I moved out that I began to see that there hadn’t been room for me in my relationship. And not merely because my ex hadn’t offered it — it had never occurred to me to ask. I was in love, and love meant making compromises, right? But what if I had loved him too much?
直到搬出去，我纔開始明白，這段關係當中沒有我的空間。這不僅是因爲我的前男友沒有提供這種空間——我自己也從來沒想過去要求這些。我戀愛了，而愛就意味着妥協，對吧？但如果我愛他太多怎麼辦？Years earlier I had read Virginia Woolf’s “A Room of One’s Own” and thought I understood it, but I hadn’t. At 20, I gave myself over to love, and it wasn’t until the relationship ended, when I was 29, that I discovered what it meant to fully inhabit my days and the spaciousness of my own mind. It was such a joy to find that my time was mine, along with every decision from what to cook to when to go to bed.
多年前，我曾經讀過弗吉尼亞·伍爾夫(Virginia Woolf)的《一個人的房間》(A Room of One’s Own)，當時我覺得自己看懂了，其實並沒有。在20歲的年紀，我放手讓自己去愛，直到那段關係終結。到了29歲，我明白了完全享有自己的時間意味着什麼，知道了我內心的想法有多麼豐富。發現時間完全屬於自己，從什麼時候做飯到什麼時候睡覺，這一切都可以由自己決定，這真讓人開心。I resolved that in my next relationship I would love more moderately, keeping more of me for myself.
我決定在下一段親密關係中愛得更適度一些，把更多的自我留給自己。When I met Mark, he fit into my life so easily it surprised me. My friends liked him. My dog, Roscoe, yelped with happiness at the sight of him. But when we started talking about living together, I was wary.
遇到馬克後，他輕鬆地融入了我的生活，這讓我非常吃驚。我的朋友們都喜歡他。我養的狗羅斯科(Roscoe)一看到他就高興地叫起來。但是當我們開始討論同居時，我有些謹慎。I worried that the minutiae of domesticity would change us into petty creatures who bickered over laundry. More than that, I worried I might lose myself again, to a man and a relationship, overtaken by those old ideas about how love conquers all.
我擔心家庭生活的細枝末節會把我們變成小氣的人，會爲洗衣服這種事吵嘴。更重要的是，我擔心自己可能會再次在一個男人面前、在一段親密關係當中迷失自己，被愛情戰勝一切的舊觀念吞噬。Mark had his own reservations. “I don’t want to do it just because it’s what we’re supposed to do,” he said. “I only want to live together if it’ll make our lives better.”
馬克也有自己的顧慮。“我不想僅僅因爲我們應該這麼做，所以才這麼做，”他說。“除非這能讓我們的生活變得更好，否則沒有必要住在一起。”We spent weeks anxiously enumerating the pros and cons of cohabitation.
我們花了幾周時間，焦慮地列舉同居的優點和缺點。Months earlier we had come across a book — “The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels” — that recommends short-term marriage contracts. We liked the idea and realized we could take this approach to living together.
幾個月前，我偶然看到一本書——《“我願意”新解：爲懷疑者、現實主義者和叛逆者重塑婚姻》(The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels)——其中建議簽訂短期的婚姻合同。我們喜歡這個主意，也意識到我們可以用這種方式一起生活。Many of us don’t notice the ways romantic love acts as an organizing force in our lives, but it is powerful. Some use the term “relationship escalator” to describe the way we tend to follow familiar scripts as we proceed in a relationship, from casual dating to cohabitation to marriage and family. These scripts that tell us what love should look like are so ubiquitous they sometimes seem invisible.
我們當中有許多人注意不到浪漫愛情在生活中扮演着一種規劃組織的力量，但它其實很強大。有些人用“親密關係自動扶梯”這個詞來形容親密關係的發展，我們傾向於依照熟悉的劇本，從輕鬆的約會到同居，到邁入婚姻和組成家庭。這些劇本告訴我們愛情應該是什麼樣，它們如此普遍，以致於我們有時候注意不到它們。In my last relationship, I had spent a lot of time worrying about whether we were moving up the escalator. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted, but trying to figure that out through conversation seemed terrifying. Instead, I picked fights, about money or chores or how to spend the weekend. If I was angry, it was somehow easier to be honest.
在上一段親密關係中，我經常擔心我們是否在隨着自動扶梯上升。我甚至不確定自己想要什麼，也沒有試圖通過看似很可怕的對話搞清楚這一點。相反，我會就金錢、家務活或如何過週末等問題挑起爭執。如果我發怒，是因爲那樣多少會更容易做到誠實。With Mark, I wanted to do better.
和馬克在一起時，我想要做得更好。Our contract addresses much of what must be negotiated in any relationship, especially when cohabitating. It begins with our reasons for being together: “We aspire to help each other be more ethically-minded and generous friends, community members and global citizens.” I know it sounds idealistic, but I’ve had relationships that left me feeling lonely and small. This time I wanted to be more intentional about looking outward as much as we look in.
我們的合同涉及在任何親密關係中都必須協商的大多數問題，尤其是在同居的時候。開頭是我們在一起的原因：“我們渴望彼此協助，成爲更有道德意識、更寬宏大量的朋友、社區成員和全球公民。”我知道這聽起來有點理想主義，但我曾經經歷過讓我感覺孤獨和渺小的親密關係。這一次，我希望在審視我們內部關係的同時，也更加自覺地對外部世界給予同樣的關注。The terms range from the familiar (“We will take care of each other when one of us is sick”) to the fanciful (“If we’re both sick, it’s all up to the dog”). In fact, Roscoe gets an entire section, detailing his walking schedules, vet visits and even how sweet we think he is.
條款中有常見的內容（“我們會在其中一人生病的時候照顧對方”），也有不太現實的（“如果我們都病了，那就全靠狗了”）。實際上，羅斯科佔據了一整塊內容，其中詳述了遛它的時間，帶他去看獸醫的安排，甚至包括我們覺得他有多可愛。We have a houseguest section (guests can stay for up to two weeks but must be mutually vetted) and an item that deals with Mark’s sweaty running clothes (“He agrees to hang these up in the spare room or on the back of the bathroom door but he wants Mandy to know that this may be a fairly common occurrence”).
有一部分是關於住家客人的（客人最多可以住兩週，但必須經過雙方考察），還有一項條款是關於如何處理馬克浸透汗水的運動服（“他同意將其掛在閒置房間或浴室門後，但他希望曼迪知道，這種情況可能相當常見”）。We agree to split the bill when eating out with one exception: “Special meals (date night, celebrations, etc.) will not be split so one person can treat the other.”
我們同意外出吃飯時分攤帳單，但有一個例外：“特別大餐（約會的晚上、慶祝活動等）不會分攤賬單，由一個人請另一個人吃飯。”It was important to me to eat breakfast together because this was something my family did growing up, so we put that in writing. It’s amazing how empowering this can feel: to name your desires or insecurities, however small, and make space for them. It’s such a simple thing, but it wasn’t easy. I wasn’t used to knowing what I wanted in a relationship, much less saying it aloud. Now, I have to do both.
對我來說，一起吃早餐是很重要的，因爲我小時候家裏就是這樣，所以我們把這一項落實到了合同裏。具體說出你的慾望或不安，不管它們有多不值一提，然後爲它們留出空間，這麼做所帶來的自主的感覺真是讓人驚歎。這聽起來很簡單，但並不容易做到。過去，我在一段關係中往往並不知道自己想要什麼，更不用說大聲把它說出來。現在，我兩件事都必須做。We wanted to take nothing for granted, which has meant having the kinds of conversations I previously avoided. Under “Sex and Intimacy,” for example, we wrote that we agree to be monogamous because, right now, monogamy suits us. But we don’t assume it’s what we will always want.
我們不想把一切都視爲理所當然，這意味着要進行我之前避免的那種對話。例如，在“性愛與親密行爲”條款下，我們寫道：我們同意保持單一性伴侶關係，因爲它現在適合我們。但我們不會假定以後也一直這樣。Our contract isn’t infallible, or the solution to every problem. But it acknowledges that we each have desires that deserve to be named and recognized.
我們的合同不是絕對有效的，也不可能解決所有的問題。但是它承認了，我們兩人都有值得被道出和認可的慾望。As we concluded the recent renewal of our contract, Mark typed a new heading near the end: Marriage. “So what do you think?” he asked, sitting back as if he had just asked where I want to get takeout.
在我們即將完成最近這次續簽合同時，馬克在快到結尾的地方打上了一個新的標題：婚姻。“你怎麼想？”他身子向後一靠問道，好像只是在問我想叫什麼外賣。I stared into my beer. This wasn’t the first time we had talked about marriage, but now, with the contract open, it felt official. I squirmed, knowing that part of me wanted to say, “Let’s do it,” while another part wanted to reject the institution altogether and do love and commitment on our own terms.
我盯着面前的啤酒。這不是我們第一次談到婚姻這個話題，但現在正在談合同，因此感覺非常正式。我有點侷促不安，覺得有一部分的自我想說：“結吧”，另一部分自我又想完全抗拒這種成規，想以自己的方式去愛，去做出承諾。“What would marriage offer us that we don’t already have?” I asked.
“婚姻能帶來什麼我們現在還沒有的東西？”我問。“Good question,” he said.
“這是個好問題，”他說。“It would be nice to hear our friends make funny and heartwarming speeches about us,” I told him. “But I don’t really want to plan a wedding, or pay for it.”
“聽朋友們發表有關我們的、有趣又暖心的致辭，倒是很不錯，”我告訴他。“但我不太想籌劃一場婚禮，也不想花這個錢。”
He agreed. And yet, we like this thing we have created.
他表示同意。不過，我們喜歡我們創造出來的這個東西。I know that a lifetime commitment is supposed to involve a surprise proposal, a tearful acceptance and a Facebook slide show of happy selfies. But if it’s the rest of our lives, I want us to think it through, together.
我知道一生的承諾應該包含一次讓人驚喜的求婚，含淚接受，以及在Facebook上展示的快樂自拍幻燈秀。但如果這涉及我們的餘生，我希望我們能一起考慮清楚。Finally Mark typed: “We agree that marriage is an ongoing topic of conversation.”
最終，馬克在電腦上打出：“我們一致認爲，婚姻是一個需要繼續討論的話題。”It seemed a trivial thing to put in writing, but talking — instead of just waiting and wondering — has been a relief to us both.
這看起來似乎是很小的事，不值得寫下來，但對我們兩人而言，討論——而非等待和猜測——一直都是解決問題的辦法。As I type this, Mark is out for a run and the dog is snoring at a volume that is inordinately sweet, and I am at home in the spaciousness of my own mind. I have failed at my goal of loving more moderately, but for the first time in my life I feel as if there is room for me in my relationship, and space for us to decide exactly how we want to practice love.
在我敲下這些字的時候，馬克出去跑步了，狗在打鼾，聲調可愛極了，而我在家裏，在自己的腦海中暢遊。我沒能達成愛得更適度這個目標，但在人生中，我第一次感到，我在親密關係中有了自己的空間，有了讓我們能夠具體決定如何去實踐愛的空間。It may look as though we’re riding the relationship escalator, but I prefer to think we’re taking the stairs.
看起來或許像是我們正乘着親密關係的自動扶梯徐徐上升，但我覺得我們更像是在自己爬樓梯。
