不要同咆哮的人交往和結婚
This month's court decision in the Li Yang domestic abuse divorce case has caused me to reflect back to what was the most troubled and confusing relationship of my own life.
本月宣判的李陽家暴離婚案讓我想起了自己生活中最煩惱、最困惑的一段感情。While the abuse in my case was never as severe as what Li Yang's wife faced, still my relationship forced me to deeply question to what lengths I would allow myself to be mistreated.
儘管我當時受到的傷害絕沒有李陽妻子遭遇的那麼嚴重，然而，我的經歷仍讓我陷入了深思──我到底能忍耐自己被虐待多久？I've never publicly spoken or written about that relationship as it's such a personal matter. But if my story can help one person get out of a dangerous situation, I'm willing to share it.
我從來沒有公開講述過或寫過那段感情，因爲這完全是一件私事。但是如果我的故事能夠幫助哪怕一個人脫離這種危險的境遇，我願意和大家分享這段往事。
Understanding abuse
瞭解虐待When we think of abuse, we often think of those horrible news stories and Weibo photos of women who've been physically disfigured by abuse.
當我們提到虐待的時候，我們往往會聯想起關於那些被打得鼻青臉腫的女性的可怕新聞報道和微博圖片。But not all abuse is physical. While women are more commonly the victims of abuse, men also are often victims- especially of emotional abuse. And emotional abuse can be just as destructive, and even more confusing to understand.
然而，並不是所有的虐待都是身體上的。而且，雖然女性更經常成爲虐待的受害者，但男性也常常是受害者──特別是精神虐待（emotional abuse）的受害者。精神虐待可能帶來同樣的破壞性，甚至更令人費解。It's confusing because often the hardest step in getting away from abuse is recognizing when a relationship is abusive. After all, you can't address a problem you don't know is there. That's why it's so useful that in his book The New Rules of Marriage, best-selling author and psychologist Dr. Terrence Real defines abuse:
精神虐待令人費解是因爲在擺脫虐待的過程中，最困難的一步就是識別它。畢竟，對尚未意識到的問題，你無從下手。心理學家特倫斯?里爾博士(Terrence Real)在其暢銷書《婚姻新規則》(The New Rules of Marriage)中對虐待行爲做出瞭如下定義：Yelling and screaming
（1）呼來喝去，大吼大叫。Name-calling: Any sentence that begins with 'You are a...'
（2）惡言相向，說任何以“你這個……”開頭的句子。Shaming or humiliating: Communicating that someone is a bad or worthless person. Ridiculing someone, mocking, being sarcastic, humoring or being patronizing.
（3）羞辱或侮辱，說別人品行惡劣或一無是處。嘲笑、譏諷、挖苦別人、亂開玩笑或自視過高。Telling another adult what she should do, or how she should think or feel.
（4）對另一位成年人指手畫腳，告訴她該怎麼做、怎麼想或作何感受。Making promises and breaking them.
（5）信誓旦旦，卻言而無信。Lying or manipulating: Deliberately falsifying information or dishonestly changing your behavior in an attempt to control your partner, for example: 'Don't worry about me. I'll be fine out here in the rain. You go have a good time.'
（6）撒謊或擺佈別人：故意歪曲事實或者欺騙性地改變行事方法，以達到控制伴侶的目的。諸如：“別擔心我。我淋着雨也沒關係。去吧，你玩得開心點。”When I read this definition, my first reaction was:
當我讀到上述定義的時候，我的第一反應是：These behaviors are abuse?
難道這些行爲都算得上虐待？But they happen all the time!
這些都稀鬆平常啊！But then I thought: he's right.
不過，我隨後意識到，里爾博士是正確的。The behaviors he outlines are warning signs that a physically abusive relationship may develop. And, in and of themselves, they ARE abuse.
他列舉的上述行爲都是將來可能出現身體虐待的預警信號。並且，這些行爲本身就是虐待行爲。
