時尚雙語:探祕紐約新風潮 “裸體晚宴”
My night at an all-nude New York dinner party.
"If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini and don't take it off until you're 34." This is Nora Ephron, reminding us that now—right now—is the peak naked moment of our lives, the highest point on a steep slope of sagging. I remembered this rule when my email dinged with a dinner invitation. The invite contained details about the host (a friend of a friend), the cuisine (Indian) and the attire (none). A nude dinner party.
I was petrified. I am an enthusiast of other naked activities—skinny dipping, showers, sex. But unlike dinner, those all start with ‘s.’ This seems important. Also, they all involve doing something. A lengthy swimming career taught me that many people are attractive naked not because of their bodies’ particulars, but because of the way those bodies move. It’s why the prettiest people are not always the most sought after. Movement is important. When stationary, my lower body looks like a bean bag chair.
Looking at her breasts six inches from the bread, I lost my appetite.
But I wondered. Nudity is something I can deal with. Perhaps I am a closet nudist. Perhaps nudism is my new untapped outlet, ready to occupy the empty space in my life between knitting and Netflix.
I rang the bell, and a geeky, middle-aged man in bifocals stuck his head around the door. Richard. He pointed to a stack of towels next to the door. The only rule of nudist events is that you sit on a towel. These were hand towels; I was expecting beach.
I was on Richard’s email list because I’d heard that a computer programmer arranges all-expense-paid trips to Florida and the Caribbean for nudist rookies. Richard, the programmer, is a sort of ringleader for New York City nudists, making frequent trips to naturist resorts in Tampa, Palm Springs, St. Maarten's and Maine, bringing along groups of four-to-30 people.
Behind him, another naked man with long brown hair sat with a laptop at the kitchen table. Richard informed me that the female guests were running late. I wondered if stripping with two strange men in a strange apartment was unwise. I scanned. They seemed passive, and I decided they probably wouldn't attack me. On the wall, a digital picture frame flashed group shots of smiling naked people. They didn’t look like they’d been attacked recently. I went into the bathroom, stripped, and took out the beach towel I'd brought from home.
I emerged and gingerly sat down on the towel on the couch, legs tightly crossed. Naked dinner is sort of like public speaking: it takes a couple minutes to win over the crowd, except you’re the crowd. Richard told me about his gig as an extra on Fur, reenacting famous Diane Arbus portraits, while I struggled to find a flattering or comfortable upright couch position. Richard didn’t hold back: one leg out to the side, balls in full view. It wasn’t lewd. When you look at Richard, you understand why he's naked: He looks like he should be naked. Dressed, he would be a 2.5; naked, he's a 7.0. He's rotund-yet-firm, tan everywhere and fully comfortable in his nudity. He says he spends most of his home-time in the buff.
The rest of the guests blew in, three late-twenties women, a masseuse and two teachers, who stripped in front of the door and plopped down on the couches and floor. And a 30-ish Asian guy, who announced his recent victory on Pants Off Dance Off, a program on the Fuse Network that TV Guide called “the dumbest show on television.” Contestants have three minutes to strip while dancing in a three-foot-square box. We watched the episode clip. He is indeed very talented at stripping in a three-foot-square box. I relaxed. When other naked people are calm, you're calm.
My earlier theory that moving is a pivotal part of nudity is all wrong. Moving while naked is a pain in the ass. It’s hard to get off a low couch while adhering to society’s Keep Your Legs Closed Always rule. But I made it to the dining room table, and dinner proceeded much like any other--chitchat about work, discussion of how cool it is to win $200 for three minutes of stripping in a box. There was no sexual vibe. Through three courses of Indian food, I found that my need to check out men’s packages had passed in its entirety, and that skin is just another set of clothes. People carry themselves differently when naked; it’s more authentic. You can read who people are at a glance. I imagined the heavily makeup’ed fashionistas of my Upper East Side neighborhood melting down under these conditions, their coiffed facades broken, their personalities unable to function in the harsh light of reality. There’s something very real about naked dinner.
New York City is one of the worst places on earth to be a nudist. The exposure laws are strict, and there’s one nude beach for eight million residents. Richard says he leads trips because he has the money, and because otherwise people would never learn how comfortable naturism is. There’s no sex involved on his part.
His dinner guests seemed free, getting a dopamine high off the rarity of what we were doing. I was not high. My hand hurt because I could not stop gripping my towel. I sat on it, or held it in my hand, or carried it around the apartment, clutching it like child’s security blanket. As long as I held it, everything would be okay. Couldn’t. Let. Go.
Also. Couldn’t. Eat. There are two types of people: those who look better dressed (Gwyneth Paltrow), and those who look better naked (Pamela Anderson), and one of the former was sitting directly across from me, a thin bank teller who was quite foxy clothed. But naked, she was thin and somehow unappetizing, and for reasons I can’t articulate, looking at her breasts six inches from the bread, I lost my appetite. I felt guilty about this.
After dessert, people lounged on the couches for a while, then pulled on their clothes in the entryway. I’ll save you suspense: I did not become a card-carrying nudist. I politely declined Richard’s invitation for a trip a sunny resort somewhere down south, and happily escaped to the bathroom, because getting dressed is a private activity.
Never was I so excited to see my bra.
“如果正在閱讀本文的你正值妙齡，那麼，請趕快去！現！在！就！去！找件比基尼套上，不到你三十四的時候不許脫下來！”Nora Ephron的這句話提醒着我們：現在——此時此刻——正是我們這些人一輩子的裸體巔峯時期。這個最高點一過，“垂垂”老矣的下坡路可就開始嘍。當我收到一封晚餐邀請的郵件時，剛剛那條至理名言便隨着收件提示音,“叮”的一聲從我的腦海閃過。邀請的細節如下：舉辦人（一個朋友的朋友），菜系（印度菜）以及着裝指導（一絲不掛）。這是一個全裸餐會哦。
我當時瞬間石化了。在其他裸體活動——裸泳、淋浴、做愛（skinny dipping, showers, sex）等方面，我都算是個狂熱分子啦。但是和宴會（dinner）不一樣啊，我喜歡的這些都是字母“s”開頭的，這一點似乎很重要。再說，我喜歡的這些都與動態的做事情有關。長期的職業游泳經驗告訴我，許多人的裸體之所以吸引人並不在於其身體有任何特別之處，而是在於他們的身體是如何運動的。這就是爲什麼長得最漂亮的人往往並不是最受人追捧的原因。運動的狀態是關鍵。當我停下來的時候，我的下半身看起來就像是一包豆袋椅。
看着她的胸部離麪包只有六英寸，我一下子沒了食慾。
不過我還是很好奇的。“裸”這方面我是搞得定的。大概是因爲我本身就是一個“地下的”天體愛好者吧。也許裸體主義就是我未開發的新大陸，將在我由編織和Netflix（譯註：美國在線租賃dvd的網站）組成的生活中佔據一席之地。
我按響了門鈴，一個頭上架着變焦眼鏡，看起來一付科技癡漢模樣的中年男子從門後探出頭來。他叫Richard。Richard指了指放在門旁的一疊毛巾，天體活動的唯一要求就是你必須在坐下的時候墊一條毛巾。可惜這些都是小手巾，我本以爲會是大的沙灘浴巾（譯註：參見賓館中不同類型毛巾的尺寸）。
我之所以會在Richard的電子郵件列表上，是因爲我聽說有一個搞計算機編程的自掏腰包，爲天體愛好者新成員們安排了一場到佛羅里達和加勒比海遊玩的活動（譯註：於是報名參加晚宴先來了解一下）。Richard，也就是這位編程人員，差不多算是紐約天體愛好者協會的頭頭，經常組織4到30人的團到各大天體營旅遊勝地去遊玩，包括坦帕市、棕泉市、聖馬丁以及緬因州等等。
在他身後，一個留着棕色長髮的裸男帶着一臺筆記本電腦坐在廚房的桌邊。Richard告訴我女客會晚些纔到。這時我有點懷疑自己一絲不掛的與兩個陌生男人共處一個陌生的房間是不是不太明智。我有點慌。他們看起來很順服，我斷定他們大概不太可能會侵犯我吧。牆上掛着一副電子相框，裏面在循環播放微笑着的裸體人士的集體照。照片上的人們看起來並不像最近有被侵犯過的跡象。我走進洗手間，脫衣服，順便拿出從家裏帶來的沙灘巾。
我走出來，小心翼翼地坐在長椅的毛巾上，兩腿交叉緊緊地夾住。參加全裸晚宴就跟當衆演講一樣，除非你是主講人，否則總需要點時間才能搞清楚狀況。當Richard給我講述他在那部重現著名攝影家Diane Arbus生平電影《fur》的客串經歷時，我正努力調整自己在長椅上的坐姿，以便自己能看起來更好看或更舒服一點。Richard倒是一點都不藏着掖着：兩腿大大的分開，蛋蛋一覽無遺。可我並不覺得色情。因爲當你看着Richard的時候，你就會明白他爲什麼要裸體：他看起來就像本就應該裸體一樣。如果打分的話，他穿着衣服也就得個2.5，但是當他脫光的時候可以得到７。他很豐滿但並不健壯，到處曬成棕褐色，非常享受裸體的狀態。他說大部分在家的時間，他都會只穿着這件“真皮外套”。
其餘的客人一時間紛沓而至，有三個二十好幾的女人，其中一個是按摩師，另外兩個是教師，他們在門前脫掉衣服，一屁股就坐在沙發或地板上。還有一個看起來三十來歲的亞裔男人，宣佈他贏了最新一期的“裸舞之王”。Fuse廣播公司的這個電視節目在導視中被之爲“最傻X電視節目”，參賽者要在三分鐘內在三尺見方的盒子裏邊跳舞邊完成脫衣服的比賽。我們還看了節目的片斷。他果然在這方面很有天分。我逐漸感到放鬆了。隨着其他的裸體客人放鬆起來，你也會感到放鬆的。
我之前的“運動是裸體的關健”理論真是徹頭徹尾的錯誤。光着身子的同時動來動去真是煩死我了。如果恪守社交中“雙腿時刻併攏”的原則，你會發現坐在矮沙發上想站起來都是非常困難的。但是我還是在堅持這一原則下挪動到了餐廳的桌旁，晚餐並沒有什麼不同之處，我們就是閒談着工作，討論在一個盒子裏用三分鐘時間脫光就能贏得200美元是一件多麼酷的事情。整個過程與性根本不沾邊。三道印度菜過後，我發現自己已經失去了對男士們“驗貨”的興趣。而且皮膚看起來就只不過成了另一套衣服。每個人在裸體的時候都變得有那麼點不同，這讓他們更加真實。你掃一眼就能看出他們是怎樣的人。閉上眼，我彷彿看到了上東區那些濃妝豔抹的時尚達人鄰居們在這樣的環境裏融成一坨，裝模作樣的花架子轟然倒塌，所謂的個性在真實之光的照耀下完全失效。裸體晚宴具備了某種這樣真實的力量。
紐約是這個世界上最不適合天體主義者的地方。這裏有嚴格的禁止暴露的法律，八百萬居民甚至連一塊天體沙灘都沒有。Richard 說他組團的原因不止是因爲他有足夠的經濟實力，更是因爲如果沒有這樣的活動，人們將永遠無法理解天體狀態下那種無拘無束的感覺。就他而言，這與性毫無關係。
他前來赴宴的客人看起來很自在，都沉浸在參與這種不常見的活動帶來的興奮感之中。而我卻高興不起來。我的手很疼，因爲我總是禁不住要抓我的毛巾。我坐在上面，或者把它攥在手裏，或者帶着它在房子裏轉來轉去，握着它就像孩子握着自己用來消除緊張的安全毯。只要我它在我的手裏，就一切正常。我還是不能完全放得開。
另外，我吃不下。話說有兩種人：一種是穿着衣服比較好看（像Gwyneth Paltrow ），一種是脫光纔好看（像Pamela Anderson ），而坐在我對面的那位屬於前者，她是一個很瘦的銀行出納員，穿的相當妖媚。但是當她脫掉衣服，我雖然說不出原因在哪，但是感覺她又瘦又讓人有種說不出的倒胃口。看着她的胸部離麪包只有六英寸，我一下子沒了食慾。這讓我有點愧疚。
甜點過後，大家在長椅上“攤”了一會兒，開始到門前穿上衣服。說到這裏，讓我來打消你的懸念吧：我並沒有成爲一名正式“領證”的裸體主義者。我客氣的婉拒了Richard提出的南下到一個陽光明媚旅遊勝地的旅行邀請，高興地溜進洗手間，還好，穿衣服算是私人活動。
這真是我這輩子頭一次如此高興地看到我的bra哈。
