三月大男嬰入托首日殞命 是誰的錯
As he did most mornings of the 117 days of his life, the first thing Karl did that Monday morning in July was to give me a smile like sunlight. He lay in the bed for a while, between his dad and me, looking from one of us to the other, working himself up with gurgles of delight. That morning, which started the same as all his others, would be a little different, however: it was his mommy’s first day back at work.
他出生已經有117天了。7月的一個星期一的早上，和大多數早晨一樣，卡爾(Karl)做的第一件事就是給我一個陽光般燦爛的微笑。他在牀上躺了一會兒，夾在他爸爸和我之間，輪流看我們，咯咯笑個不停。那個早晨對卡爾來說本沒有什麼不同，但在一件事上卻有那麼一點差別：這是他的母親第一天回去工作。
In comparison with the other new mothers I knew, I felt lucky to have three months’ paid maternity leave after Karl was born. Most of the parents in my community had only weeks before they had to leave their babies to go back to work. But nonetheless, even with three months under our belts and Karl’s neck strong enough to hold himself up, I was uncomfortable with the idea of leaving him. I wanted to be his caregiver longer, until he was a bit bigger. I could see how our time together in this early infancy was of so much value, how being with me every day made him more and more comfortable navigating his new environment. I noticed how he looked to me to learn things and make sense of his world. I could tell how safe and secure he felt. Though it was a hard and tiring time, every minute with Karl felt like an investment in his current and future well-being. Not to mention I was hopelessly tickled with him.
和我認識的其他新媽媽不同，我有幸在生下卡爾以後享受三個月的帶薪產假。在我住的社區，大多數父母在有了孩子以後沒過幾周就要重返工作。不過，即便我們有足足三個月的時間，而卡爾的脖子已經足夠強壯，可以支撐他坐直，但一想到要離開他，我仍然感到不安。我希望再照顧他一段時間，直到他再長大些。我明白在卡爾的嬰兒期能夠與他共處是多麼地寶貴。因爲與我每一天都在一起，卡爾開始能夠自如地探索他的新環境。我注意到他會學着我去感知自己的世界。我看得出來他覺得很安全。儘管養育卡爾很辛苦，也很累，但是我感覺和他在一起的每一分鐘都是對他現在和未來的健康成長的一筆投資。更不用說，他常常把我逗得樂不可支。
As the end of my leave drew near, I asked my company for more time off, without pay. I was told by the HR department that there was no system in place that allowed for extending maternity leaves. I went higher up the chain. Just two more months? There was nothing that could be done. The only option would be to quit.
隨着我的產假接近尾聲，我詢問公司能否再休一段時間的假，無薪也沒關係。人力資源部告訴我公司制度不允許延長產假。我向更高層反映了這個問題。再給兩個月而已，行嗎？可是不行。我唯一的選擇就是辭職。
I contemplated it. By the time I paid for child care in New York City, I was barely making much take-home pay anyway. But what compounded the financial concern was that if I quit, I would lose our health insurance. Lee, my partner, works freelance and Karl was covered under my work insurance.
我考慮過辭職。當我開始在紐約使用付費托兒服務時，賺到的錢已經不值一提了。但是我們家經濟問題的複雜之處在於，如果我辭職，就會丟掉全家的醫療保險。我的伴侶李(Lee)從事自由職業，卡爾得依靠我的工作得到保險。
We are luckier than many: We sat down and did the math and maybe Lee’s wages could cover rent and food for a few months, but certainly not that as well as the cost of health insurance for a family of three, not to mention the portion we would be on the hook for in the case of a medical emergency. On top of that, I was very concerned about losing my job. I don’t have a degree, and though I’ve managed to carve out a position at a publishing company, the memory of the year I spent unemployed, trying unsuccessfully to get my résumé past the algorithms of online applications, loomed large. If I did it again, it would be with a little child in tow.
我們比很多人都要幸運：我們坐下來計算了一番，也許李的報酬可以負擔幾個月的租金和食物，但是肯定不可能負擔三口之家的醫療保險，更不用說遇到緊急狀況會出現的債務。此外，我很擔心會丟掉自己的工作。我沒有學位，雖然在一家出版公司博得了一份工作，但是一想起我失業的那年，簡歷無法通過在線申請的算法，我就感到壓力巨大。如果再次失業，這次我還帶着一個小孩。
Lee’s quitting was out of the question. There was no way we could pay all our bills on my salary, which is lower than his.
讓李辭職是不可能的。我的工資比他低，不可能支付所有的費用。
So we did the best, most responsible-seeming thing we could think of. After a long search, many waiting lists, interviews and a great deal of angst, we settled on a day care near my workplace. With this day care, I could still go over at lunch and breastfeed Karl, and have a visit with him, so we would never be apart more than a few hours. And the day care was recommended by many moms I knew who had similar circumstances to mine. It felt like a loving, safe space for Karl.
於是，我們做了最好的、看似最負責的選擇。經過漫長的搜索、等待、面試和巨大的痛苦之後，我們在我工作地附近找到了一家日間託兒所。這樣，我就可以在午餐時去託兒所給卡爾餵奶，陪他一會兒，我們只需要分別幾個小時就能見面。這家託兒所是與我有相同處境的熟人媽媽們推薦給我的。我感覺，那裏對卡爾來說是一個充滿關愛和安全的地方。
I justified it a million ways, as one justifies when one has run out of alternatives. He is an only child and maybe he would like to play with these other children. There are other babies who have been there since they were 6 weeks old, and Karl is 15 weeks. He is strong and has never been sick a day in his life!. It’s not like he’s going to die!
我用了無數種方式爲這種選擇辯護，就像一個人在沒有選擇時所作的那樣。卡爾沒有兄弟姐妹，也許他會想和其他孩子一起玩耍。那裏還有一些從六週大就開始送託的孩子，而卡爾已經15周了。他身體很結實，從沒生過一天的病！又不是說他會死掉！
But no matter how I tried to make myself feel better, it felt bad.
但不管我多麼努力地想讓自己好受些，感覺還是很糟糕。
That Monday morning, Lee entertained Karl while I rushed to shower and get his things ready. I put Karl in his baby carrier and his dad and I headed into the city on the subway. I felt propelled down the street, swept into the train, carried along by a system that gave me no choice but to submit to the inevitability of any working mother of an infant in America. For Karl’s part, he was curious and unconcerned, looking around, smiling. In the subway car, someone offered me a seat, and I loosened the straps of the carrier, struggling to get my curious baby to focus on nursing. With this extra bit of subway feeding time, he could arrive with a full stomach. And this extra few minutes of nursing each day would help keep my milk supply up, now that I would be pumping my milk to fill bottles. I pulled up a baby blanket to block the man next to me from seeing my exposed breast on his morning commute.
那個週一的早上，趁着李逗卡爾玩的功夫，我急匆匆地衝澡，給卡爾準備好要用的東西。我把他放在嬰兒揹帶裏，帶着他和李一起坐地鐵往市區裏去。我感覺自己被推着走過街道，捲入車廂，被一個系統裹挾着。它讓我別無選擇，只能屈服於任何一個一邊工作一邊養育幼兒的美國媽媽都不可避免要做的妥協。卡爾則很好奇，他無憂無慮地四處張望着，微笑着。在地鐵裏，有人給我讓了一個座位，我坐下來鬆了鬆揹帶，竭力讓好奇的寶寶專心吃奶。有了這頓額外的奶，他到託兒所的時候就可以飽飽的。而且，既然我打算在上班時間把奶水吸出來保存，有了路上這幾分鐘的哺乳時間，就可以保持自己的奶水量。我扯起一張嬰兒毯，免得坐在我旁邊的那名男子在早上通勤時間看到我暴露着的胸部。
We arrived at the day care by 9:30. The day-care assistant came to Karl with arms outstretched and said, “Hola!” Karl studied her face and flashed a big smile. The day-care owner told a joke that was probably told to all new parents dropping their babies off on the first day: The worst thing that could happen was he would get hit by a fire truck — since once a toddler had hit a baby with a toy truck on his first day. I felt reassured. This was what everyone did, how everyone felt.
我們在9點半到了日託中心。託兒所的助手一邊伸出手臂向卡爾走過來，一邊用西班牙語招呼，“歐啦！”卡爾仔細看了看她的臉，亮出燦爛的微笑。託兒所的老闆講了一個可能對所有第一天入托的小孩家長都講過的笑話：最糟的情況也不過是他被消防車撞到，因爲曾經有一個小孩在入托第一天用輛玩具消防車碰到了一個嬰兒。我感到安心了一點。所有人都是這麼做的，大家感受都一樣。
I returned to the day care at 12:15 to nurse Karl. I was so excited to see him, I ran the two blocks there from the office. As I took the stairs by twos to the second floor, I noticed that the door to the day care was propped open. It seemed odd to me — that they would leave the door open, with so many toddlers inside. I walked around the corner, expecting to pick up my son, feel his chubby rolls, see his face light up at the sight of his mommy.
12點15分的時候，我回到託兒所，打算給卡爾餵奶。我從辦公室跑了兩個街區過來，迫不及待地想見到他。大踏步邁上樓梯，來到二層，我注意到日託中心的門是開的。這在我看來有些怪異，裏面有那麼多小孩，他們怎麼會把門開着。我走過牆角，期待抱起自己的兒子，摸摸他圓滾滾的手臂，看他在見到媽媽時滿心歡喜的樣子。
Instead, I saw my son unconscious, splayed out on a soft changing table. His lips and the area around his mouth were blue, and the day-care owner was performing CPR on him, incorrectly.
但我看到的卻是，兒子毫無知覺地躺在一個軟尿布臺上，四肢鬆弛。他的嘴脣和脣周烏青，託兒所老闆正在給他做心肺復甦，動作還是錯誤的。
Our sweet son died two and a half hours after the first time I had left him.
我親愛的兒子在我第一次離開他的兩個半小時後就死了。
Would Karl have died if he had been with me that morning? The medical examiner finished her report last week and the conclusion is: undetermined.
如果那個上午他是和我在一起，還會死嗎？法醫上週出具了屍檢報告，結論是：無法確定。
What is determined is that at 11:50 a.m. the day-care assistant saw my baby kicking his legs and brought it to the attention of the day-care owner. The day-care owner dismissed the assistant, telling her not to go over to check him. “Babies kick their legs in their sleep all the time,” she said. Twenty minutes later, my baby was dead. If the day-care assistant had gone over and picked him up, checked on him, would Karl be alive? I don’t know. The day-care owner had also put Karl down to sleep on his side, which is a known unsafe sleep position. Had he been put down on his back to sleep, would he be alive? I don’t know.
能確定的是，上午11點50分，託兒所的助手看到寶寶在蹬腿，並向老闆彙報了。但老闆把助手打發走了，告訴她不需要過去查看孩子的情況。“嬰兒一向都會在睡覺的時候踢腿，”她說。20分鐘後，我的孩子就死了。如果助手過去把他抱起來，看看他是怎麼了，卡爾會現在還活着嗎？我不知道。託兒所老闆還讓卡爾側睡。這是一個衆所周知的不安全的睡姿。如果是平躺着睡覺，他會現在還活着嗎？我還是不知道。
I will have to live with questioning this for the rest of my life.
我的餘生都不得不忍受這些問題的煎熬。
What I do know is that had I been with my 3-month-old son, I would have gone over and checked on him at that moment. What I also know is that my son would have been safely on his back to sleep, if not sleeping on me, as he loved to do on all our days home together.
我知道的是，如果當時在3個月大的兒子身邊，我會走過去，看看他怎麼了。我還知道，在家的時候兒子總是喜歡睡在我身上，如果不是在我身上，他也是安全地平躺着睡的。
Regardless of the answers I will never have, the question I now ask is: Should parents have to play this roulette with their weeks-old infant? To do all they can possibly do to ensure that their baby is safe, only to be relying on a child-care worker’s competence or attentiveness or mood that day?
不管我永遠都無從得知的答案是什麼，我現在想問的是：家長必須用幾個月大的孩子來打這種賭嗎？想要盡一切可能確保孩子的安全，不料卻要依賴託兒所工作人員的能力、專注程度或當天的心情？
This article isn’t about day-care safety. This isn’t an indictment of the company I work for; I had one of the better parental leave policies of anyone I know. What this article is about is that my infant died in the care of a stranger, when he should have been with me. Our culture demanded it.
本文說的不是託兒所的安全問題，也不是對我所在公司的聲討。在認識的人當中，我享受的產假政策是比較好的。本文要說的是，在孩子本應和我在一起時，我卻讓陌生人照看他，而孩子就在這期間殞命。這是我們的文化造成的。
A mother should never have no choice but to leave her infant with a stranger at 3 months old if that decision doesn’t feel right to her. Or at 6 weeks old. Or 3 weeks old. I would have stayed home with Karl longer, but there just didn’t seem to be a way. And I knew well enough that a million other mothers in America before me had faced the same choice and had done the same, even earlier than I had, though it tortured them emotionally, or physically, to do so.
如果自己覺得不妥，母親永遠都不應該別無選擇地把3個月大的孩子留給陌生人照顧。6周大的孩子也一樣。3周大的孩子還是一樣。我想要多在家裏待一段時間，照顧卡爾，但當時覺得根本沒辦法這麼做。我清楚地知道，在我之前，美國有成千上萬的母親面臨同樣的問題，並作出了同樣的選擇，甚至比我還早，儘管這麼做讓她們在情緒和身體上備受折磨。
Of course, had I conceived in my wildest nightmare that leaving Karl might mean losing him, I would have sacrificed anything. I would have quit my job. I would have carried him around on my back collecting recycling cans and bottles. Endured any economic hardship. List all the wildest alternatives, you’re not coming up with anything that isn’t on my list of “if onlies.” But the sad truth is, even though I am possibly one of the world’s most imaginatively anxious mothers, I never thought of the possibility that my baby would die that morning. And no wonder, because unexplained infant death is rare, and parental leave in the vast majority of cases is not an issue of life and death. But I am now asking: Why, why does a parent in this country have to sacrifice her job, her ability to provide her child with proper health care —- or for many worse off than me, enough food to eat — to buy just a few more months to nurture a child past the point of vulnerability?
當然，如果從最荒誕的噩夢裏得知離開卡爾可能意味着失去他，我願意犧牲一切。我會辭職。我會把他背在背上撿瓶瓶罐罐去回收利用。熬過一切經濟困難。即便列出所有荒誕至極的選擇，也不會出現我這個“要是”清單上所沒有的。但悲哀的事實是，儘管或許是全世界最容易因胡思亂想而焦慮的母親之一，我卻從來沒想到過那天早上我的孩子可能會離開人世。這也不足爲奇，因爲原因不明的嬰兒死亡事件鮮有發生，而且絕大部分情況下，產假都不會關係到生死。但我現在卻要問：爲什麼，爲什麼我們國家的母親不得不犧牲工作，犧牲爲孩子提供恰當的照顧——或者對很多情況比我差的人來說則是爲孩子提供足夠的食物——的能力，才能換來多出可憐巴巴的那麼幾個月的時間來養育孩子，度過他們易受傷害的那個時間點？
I wasn’t just up against the end of my parental leave. I was up against an entire culture that places very little value on caring for infants and small children. Parental leave reduces infant death, gives us healthier, more well-adjusted adults and helps women stay in the workforce. If we truly valued the 47 percent of the work force who are women, and the value of our families, things would look different. Mothers could go back to work after taking time off to recover physically from birth and bond with their young children. Health care could be available to bridge that return to work so that our children could get their wellness checkups and vaccinations.
當時，我對抗的不只是產假結束，而是幾乎不怎麼重視照顧嬰幼兒的整體文化。產假減少了嬰兒的死亡，讓社會上的成年人更健康、更能適應環境，且有助於讓女性留在職場。假如我們真心重視佔勞動力大軍47%的女性，真心重視家庭，事情就應當看上去有所不同。母親生完孩子後應該可以休假恢復身體，和小寶寶建立感情，然後再回去上班。應有醫療保健服務來彌合媽媽回去工作後的影響，這樣就有人給我們的孩子檢查身體，接種疫苗。
Yes, it’s possible that even in a different system, Karl still might not have lived a day longer, but had he had been with me, where I wanted him, I wouldn’t be sitting here, living with the nearly incapacitating anguish of a question that has no answer.
誠然，即便在另一個不同的制度裏，卡爾或許依然不會多活一天。但如果他是和我在一起，是在我想讓他待的地方，我此刻就不會坐在這裏，承受着一個沒有答案的問題帶來的痛苦。這種痛苦讓我幾乎無法自理。
There are plenty of good examples of how to create a national parental leave system that works. Our children can’t afford lobbyists. It’s up to us parents to demand more.
關於如何在全國範圍內制定一個行之有效的產假制度，好的範例有很多。我們的孩子請不起說客。因此當由我們做父母的提出更多訴求。
