諾貝爾文學經典:《寵兒》第10章Part 2
"Don't," she is saying between tough swallows. "Don't. Don't go back."
This is worse than when Paul D came to 124 and she cried helplessly into the stove. This is worse.
Then it was for herself. Now she is crying because she has no self. Death is a skipped mealcompared to this. She can feel her thickness thinning, dissolving into nothing. She grabs the hair ather temples to get enough to uproot it and halt the melting for a while. Teeth clamped shut, Denverbrakes her sobs. She doesn't move to open the door because there is no world out there. Shedecides to stay in the cold house and let the dark swallow her like the minnows of light above. Shewon't put up with another leaving, another trick. Waking up to find one brother then another not atthe bottom of the bed, his foot jabbing her spine. Sitting at the table eating turnips and saving theliquor for her grandmother to drink; her mother's hand on the keeping-room door and her voicesaying, "Baby Suggs is gone, Denver." And when she got around to worrying about what would bethe case if Sethe died or Paul D took her away, a dream-come-true comes true just to leave her on apile of newspaper in the dark.
No footfall announces her, but there she is, standing where before there was nobody when Denverlooked. And smiling.
Denver grabs the hem of Beloved's skirt. "I thought you left me. I thought you went back."Beloved smiles, "I don't want that place. This the place I am." She sits down on the pallet and,laughing, lies back looking at the cracklights above.
Surreptitiously, Denver pinches a piece of Beloved's skirt between her fingers and holds on. Agood thing she does because suddenly Beloved sits up.
"What is it?" asks Denver.
"Look," she points to the sunlit cracks.
"What? I don't see nothing." Denver follows the pointing finger.
Beloved drops her hand. "I'm like this."
"別，"她艱難地哽咽着，"別。別回去。"
這比保羅·D來到124號那天她對着爐子無助地哭泣更糟。這更糟。
那時是爲了她自己。現在她哭，是因爲她沒有了自己。死亡與此相比不過是一頓空過去的餐飯。她能感覺到厚重的自己在變稀、變薄，消融殆盡。她抓住太陽穴上的頭髮，想把它們連根拔下來，使消融暫停片刻。丹芙咬緊牙關，止住啜泣。她沒有過去開門，因爲外面沒有世界。她決定留在冷藏室裏，讓黑暗像吞噬頭頂上光線的小魚一樣吞噬她。她不能忍受又一次離棄，又一次玩弄。有一陣子，她醒來時發現哥哥們一個接一個地不在牀的下鋪用腳丫戳着她的後脊樑了。那天，她坐在桌旁吃蘿蔔，把酒留給奶奶喝；媽媽卻把手放在起居室的門上，說："貝比·薩格斯去了，丹芙。"當她正在爲塞絲死去或者被保羅·D帶走情形會怎樣而擔心時，夢想成真了，成真卻只是爲了將她拋棄在黑暗中的一堆報紙上。
沒有腳步聲通報，可是她來了，站在剛纔丹芙沒找見人的地方，而且微笑着。
丹芙抓住寵兒的裙角。"我以爲你離開我了。我以爲你回去了。" 寵兒微笑着說："我不要那個地方。這兒纔是我待的地方。"她在草荐上坐下，然後大笑着躺倒，看着上方的光束。
偷偷摸摸地，丹芙把寵兒的裙角捏在手裏，一直不鬆開。她做得有道理，因爲突然間寵兒坐了起來。
"怎麼了？"丹芙問。
"看。"她指着陽光的碎片。
"什麼？我什麼也沒看見。"丹芙順着她的手指望去。
寵兒放下手。"我就像這樣。"
