經典科幻文學:《宇宙盡頭的餐館》第32章1
Chapter 32
A thin whine filled the air. It whirled and howled through the trees upsetting the squirrels. A few birds flew off in disgust. The noise danced and skittered round the clearing. It whooped, it rasped, it generally offended.
The Captain, however, regarded the lone bagpiper with an indulgent eye. Little could disturb his equanimity; indeed, once he had got over the loss of his gorgeous bath during that unpleasantness in the swamp all those months ago he had begun to find his new life remarkably congenial. A hollow had been scooped out of a large rock which stood in the middle of the clearing, and in this he would bask daily whilst attendants sloshed water over him. Not particularly warm water, it must be said, as they hadn’t yet worked out a way of heating it. Never mind, that would come, and in the meantime search parties were scouring the countryside far and wide for a hot spring, preferably one in a nice leafy glade, and if it was near a soap mine – perfection. To those who said that they had a feeling soap wasn’t found in mines, the Captain had ventured to suggest that perhaps that was because no one had looked hard enough, and this possibility had been reluctantly acknowledged.
No, life was very pleasant, and the greatest thing about it was that when the hot spring was found, complete with leafy glade en suite, and when in the fullness of time the cry came reverberating across the hills that the soap mine had been located and was producing five hundred cakes a day it would be more pleasant still. It was very important to have things to look forward to.
Wail, wail, screech, wail, howl, honk, squeak went the bagpipes, increasing the Captain’s already considerable pleasure at the thought that any moment now they might stop. That was something he looked forward to as well.
What else was pleasant, he asked himself? Well, so many things: the red and gold of the trees, now that autumn was approaching; the peaceful chatter of scissors a few feet from his bath where a couple of hairdressers were exercising their skills on a dozing art director and his assistant; the sunlight gleaming off the six shiny telephones lined up along the edge of his rock-hewn bath. The only thing nicer than a phone that didn’t ring all the time (or indeed at all) was six phones that didn’t ring all the time (or indeed at all).
Nicest of all was the happy murmur of all the hundreds of people slowly assembling in the clearing around him to watch the afternoon committee meeting.
The Captain punched his rubber duck playfully on the beak. The afternoon committee meetings were his favourite.
Other eyes watched the assembling crowds. High in a tree on the edge of the clearing squatted Ford Prefect, lately returned from foreign climes. After his six month journey he was lean and healthy, his eyes gleamed, he wore a reindeer-skin coat; his beard was as thick and his face as bronzed as a country-rock singer’s.
He and Arthur Dent had been watching the Golgafrinchans for almost a week now, and Ford had decided to stir things up a bit.
The clearing was now full. Hundreds of men and women lounged around, chatting, eating fruit, playing cards and generally having a fairly relaxed time of it. Their track suits were now all dirty and even torn, but they all had immaculately styled hair. Ford was puzzled to see that many of them had stuffed their track suits full of leaves and wondered if this was meant to be some form of insulation against the coming winter. Ford’s eyes narrowed. They couldn’t be interested in botany of a sudden could they?
In the middle of these speculations the Captain’s voice rose above the hubbub.
“Alright,” he said, “I’d like to call this meeting to some sort of order if that’s at all possible. Is that alright with everybody?” He smiled genially. “In a minute. When you’re all ready.”
The talking gradually died away and the clearing fell silent, except for the bagpiper who seemed to be in some wild and uninhabitable musical world of his own. A few of those in his immediate vicinity threw some leaves to him. If there was any reason for this then it escaped Ford Prefect for the moment.
A small group of people had clustered round the Captain and one of them was clearly beginning to speak. He did this by standing up, clearing his throat and then gazing off into the distance as if to signify to the crowd that he would be with them in a minute.
The crowd of course were riveted and all turned their eyes on him.
A moment of silence followed, which Ford judged to be the right dramatic moment to make his entry. The man turned to speak.
Ford dropped down out of the tree.
“Hi there,” he said.
第三十二章
空中飄動著一陣細細的嗚咽聲，聲音在樹林裡盤旋繚繞，驚擾了松鼠們。幾隻鳥厭惡地飛走了。這聲音繞著空地舞蹈著、飛行著。它吵鬧，它刺耳，它招人煩。
然而，艦長卻縱容地看著這個孤單的風笛手。幾乎沒有任何東西能夠擾亂這位艦長的鎮定。幾個月之前，他那華貴的浴缸在那次不愉快的沼澤經歷中丟失了：從那以後，他一直在尋找和他的性格相宜的新的生活方式。立在這片空地中央的一塊巨石上被剷出了一個坑，他每天都能躺在裡面晒太陽，與此同時，他的隨從會朝他身上澆水。當然不是熱水。這一點必須指出，因為他還沒有想到一個辦法來給水加熱。但這沒關係，熱水總會有的，搜尋隊正在遠方尋找溫泉，希望那是在一片樹葉茂盛的林間空地上，如果再靠近一座肥皂礦—那簡直就完美了，有些人說，他們覺得肥皂不是來自礦石。對這種人，艦長說，也許那是因為沒有人足夠認真地尋找過，於是他們只好勉強地承認這種可能性。
不，生活足非常美好的，其中的偉大事件就是當溫泉被發現的時候，緊接著是樹葉茂盛的林問空地，而如果正在此時，附近山上傳來了找到肥皂礦的歡呼聲，那裡一天能生產五百塊肥皂—這樣就更加妙不可言了。總之，有個什麼盼頭是非常重要的。
哭訴、尖叫、號啕、咆哮、喇叭聲、風笛聲，巾於想到它們隨時有可能停下來，所以這一切都增加丁艦長本來就已經相當快樂的情緒。這也是他的盼頭之一。
還有別的什麼樂事’他問他自己。嗯，還有許多事情：秋天已近，樹木變成了紅色和金色；距離他的浴盆幾英尺之外，兩個美髮師正在一個昏昏欲睡的藝術導演和他的助手頭上練習他們的技術，翦刀發出平和的摩擦聲；六部電話沿著他的石鑿浴盆的邊緣一字排開，陽光照在電話上，射出讓人愉快的反光。只有一件事比一部一直不響（或者根本不會響）的電話更棒，那就是六部不響（或者根本不會響）的電話了。
最美好的則是那些快樂的嗡嗡聲，這意味著所有的幾百口人都慢慢地聚攏到空地上他的周圍，來觀摩下午的委員會會議。
艦長高興地一拳打在橡皮鴨子的嘴上。下午的委員會會議是他最喜歡的了。
還有另外的限睛正盯著聚攏的人群。在這片空地邊緣的一棵樹的高處，蹲著福特長官。他最近剛從別的地區回來。六個月的旅行之後，他變得瘦骨嶙峋，但很健康。他的眼睛閃爍著光芒，他穿著一件用馴鹿皮做成的衣服。他的鬍子濃密，他的臉晒得很黑，像一張鄉村搖滾歌手的臉。
他和阿瑟-鄧特觀察高爾伽弗林查姆人已經有一個星期了。福特決定，是挑起一些事端的時候丁。
空地現在已經滿了。幾百個男人和女人懶洋洋地站在四周，交談著，吃著水果，玩著牌，總之相當放鬆。他們的條紋衫現在全部都很髒了，有些甚至破了，但是他們全都有著修剪得整整齊齊的髮型。福特疑惑地發現，他們中的許多人在條紋衫上綴滿丁葉子。不知道這是不為了保暖，以應付即將到來的冬天。福特的眼睛收縮了一下。他們不可能突然間對撞物學產生興趣吧？他們會嗎？
他正想著，艦長的聲音從一片喧譁聲中冒了出來。
“好吧，”他說，“我召集這次會議是為了制定某些規則，如果那是可能的話。大家都還好吧？”他親切地笑了笑，“再過一分鐘。等你們準備好了再說。”
交淡聲逐漸消失了，整塊空地陷人了一片寂靜，除了那個風笛手，他似乎沉浸在他自己的某個狂野、不適於人類居住的音樂世界裡。他旁邊的一些人向他扔了幾片葉子。不知這樣做有什麼原因，反正福特長官想不出來。
一小隊人簇擁到艦長周圍，其中一個人顯然準備發言。他站起身來，清了清喉嚨，然後望著遠方，彷彿是在告訴人們，他一分鐘後就會和他們在一起。
人群當然被吸引了，他們全都把目光轉向了他。
接下來是片刻沉默。福杵判斷這是恰當的戲劇性時刻，他可以進場了。那個人轉過身來，準備發言。
福特從樹上跳下來。
“大家好。”他說。
