星座與內心 感情的事你聽誰的

Ever since I was a child, I have known my destiny. Not in the subtle ways that some believers in fate know, but in the very unsubtle way that many Hindus know.

從小時候起，我就知道自己的命運。不是像一些相信命運的人那樣隱隱地知道，而是像很多印度教徒那樣清楚地知道。

I have what we call a janmakshar, a premium personalized horoscope. Based on the positions of the stars at the exact time and location of my birth, my janmakshar provides a map of my life that Indian astrologers can use to predict — for a fee, of course — everything, including my temperament (“She will be sharp-tongued and stubborn”) and my career (“She will have great success and be well respected in government”).

我有一份優質的個性化星象圖。基於某一時刻的羣星位置和我的出生地點，它提供了一種人生圖譜，印度占星家根據圖譜預測一切，包括我的性情（“她將言語刻薄而頑固”）和事業（“她將獲得巨大成功，在政府裏深受尊敬”）——當然，這些是要收費的。

Some astrologers are naturally gifted, while others rely on software programs to do their divining. I have read that India may be home to more astrologers than the rest of the world combined because so many people there seek astrological advice on questions large and small: When is an auspicious time of day for the wedding? Should I take this job? Will I win the case?

有些占星家很有天賦，而另一些則依靠軟件程序來占卜。我讀過一篇報道說，印度的占星家比世界其他地方所有的占星家都多，因爲很多印度人無論大事小事都想聽聽占星家的建議：哪天是結婚吉日？我應該接受這份工作嗎？我會打贏這場官司嗎？

When my parents came to America, they brought their astrological beliefs with them. Over the years, they would return from their annual trips to India with updated readings in Gujarati or Hindi about my siblings and me from astrologers boasting famous clientele.

我的父母來到美國時，把對占星的信仰也一併帶來了。這些年，他們每年去印度度假都會帶回關於我們幾個孩子的最新預言，那些預言是用古吉拉特語或印度語寫的，他們找的占星師據說都爲著名客戶服務過。

After rifling through my parents’ bags for new clothes and junk from the bazaar, we children would gather around the kitchen table as my mother put on her glasses to translate our fates.

我們幾個孩子從父母的旅行袋中翻出新衣服以及從巴扎集市上買來的雜貨之後，就聚集在餐桌旁，等媽媽戴上眼鏡，翻譯我們的命運預言。

She would sometimes pause and skip entire paragraphs, at which point we would try to guess the bad news from which she was shielding us. She claimed that she did not want the predictions to unduly influence our decisions.

有時，她會停下來，跳過好幾段，我們就會努力猜測她隱瞞了什麼壞消息。她說那是因爲她不想讓預測過分影響我們的決定。

Over the years, several of those predictions did seem to come true. My brother did get sick enough at 25 to require a kidney transplant. My sister did marry at 30.

這麼多年，有些預言似乎真的應驗了。我的哥哥（或弟弟）的確在25歲時病得很重，換了腎。我姐姐的確是在30歲時結婚了。

And though I had been painfully shy as a teenager, I did grow into a sharp-tongued lawyer well respected in government. I’m not sure we thought too much of those predictions when we were living them. If we did, we chalked them up to coincidence.

雖然我十幾歲時非常害羞，但後來我真的成爲在政府裏很受尊敬的言語刻薄的律師。我覺得我們在生活中並沒有過多考慮那些預言。我們想到那些預言時，也只會認爲那是巧合。

Being Indian by way of New Jersey, I often railed against this determinism, pointing to the variations among the readings as evidence of their falsity, even if a few did come true.

作爲住在新澤西州的印度人，我經常嘲笑這種宿命論，指出這些預言一直在變就證明它們是假的，雖然有些的確應驗了。

The lawyer in me prized rationality and logic, and the idea that outcomes were predetermined ran contrary to all my work, education and ambition. I found my parents’ belief in fate unnerving and un-American.

作爲律師，我重視理性和邏輯。一切都已註定的觀念與我的工作、教育和抱負背道而馳。父母信命這件事曾經讓我苦惱，讓我覺得他們很不像美國人。

My father would say: “Ami, it’s not that your fate changes with each reading. That is fixed. It’s just that some astrologers are better at telling your story than others.”

對此，老爸的解釋是：“艾米(Ami)，每次的預言不同，不是說你的命運在變。命運是不變的。只是因爲有些占星師比其他占星師更擅長預測你的命運。”

One of the many stories that my parents — and eventually I, too — wanted to change with each telling was that of my marriage.

我的父母——最終還有我自己——希望新預言中會改變的一項就是我的婚姻。

When I was 27, my fiancé broke off our engagement after two years of us trying to buoy our relationship, which sank not so much from a lack of love but from a comedy of errors involving suspicions of “black magic” by members of our feuding families that led to distrust between my fiancé and me, ultimately unraveling our plans and dreams.

我27歲時，在我和未婚夫努力維持關係兩年之後，他最終取消了婚約。這段關係的結束不是因爲我們不愛對方，而是因爲兩家人合不來，經常做出令人啼笑皆非的錯事，簡直讓人懷疑存在“黑魔法”，導致我和未婚夫互相不信任，最終毀掉了我們的計劃和夢想。

As I lay catatonic on my parents’ couch in the aftermath, my mother, heartbroken, tried to comfort me. As she stroked my hair, she told me there always had been a prediction that I would have a “broken relationship” at this age.

婚約解除後，我精神恍惚地躺在父母家的長沙發上，心碎的母親努力安慰我。她一邊撫摸我的頭髮，一邊說，一直有預言說，我會在這個年紀“分手”。

She had wanted to tell me earlier, when things weren’t going well, that it may be better to break it off, but that was one of the many times she had hoped the astrologers were wrong.

之前我和未婚夫關係不好時，她就曾想告訴我，也許分手會更好，但是她又一直希望這是占星師弄錯了。

She reassured me that none of this was anyone’s fault: not mine, my fiancé’s, his family’s or ours. It was simply our fate, which had been written long before he and I met.

她向我保證，這不是誰的錯：不是我的錯，不是我未婚夫的錯，也不是他家人或我家人的錯。這只是我和他的命運，在我們相遇之前很久就已經有人預言過了。

I couldn’t make sense of the fact that despite how much we loved each other and how well we got along, we had not ended up together. I had grown tired of replaying every wrong move and angry word. I couldn’t silence my inner voice, which kept nagging, “If only … ” and “Maybe if you hadn’t. …”

我想不通，爲什麼我們這麼相愛，這麼合得來，最後還是沒能在一起。我受夠了回想自己做過的每一件錯事，說過的每一句氣話。我無法平息內心的聲音，它一直在念叨：“要是……就好了”，“要是我們沒有……也許……”。

Instead, I tried to relax into the great comfort that none of our behavior had mattered. I told myself I had been trapped in a choose-your-own-adventure book in which all paths led to the same sad ending.

我努力讓自己獲得解脫，相信我們做的一切都無關緊要。我告訴自己我陷入了一個迷宮，不管我選哪條路，最終都是悲劇。

And in this way, I finally managed to peel myself from the couch and return to my life in New York, where I had to study for the bar exam.

用這種方法，我最終把自己從沙發上拉起來，返回紐約，繼續準備律師資格考試。

A few weeks later, I was back in New Jersey for lunch with my parents, where they presented me with an envelope and a small plastic bag containing a pendant with a translucent blue-tinged, tear-shaped stone.

幾周後，我返回新澤西州和父母共進午餐，他們交給我一個信封和一個小塑料袋，裏面裝着一個淚珠狀淡藍色透明寶石吊墜。

“It’s a moonstone,” my father said.

爸爸說：“那是月長石。”

“It’s expensive and rare,” my mother chimed in.

媽媽插話說：“它很珍貴。”

I glanced at the envelope. In red typeface on the upper left corner were the words: “Matri Vision, specializing in matrimonial counseling and rituals.” It was addressed (with my name misspelled) to “Ms. Amita Patel USA.”

我瞟了一眼信封。左上角用紅字寫着：“馬特里預言中心(Matri Vision)，擅長婚姻諮詢和儀式。”收信人寫的是（他們把我的名字拼錯了）：“美國艾米塔·帕特爾(Amita Patel)”。

My heart sank as I remembered ads from some other matrimonial counseling outfit that had appeared constantly on Indian satellite television: “Love life not working out? Health problems? Everything going wrong? You may be under black magic. Contact us and all your problems will be solved.”

我想起經常出現在印度衛星電視上其他那些婚姻諮詢機構的廣告，心就沉了下去：“愛情生活不順利？有健康問題？一切都不對勁？你可能正被黑魔法控制。跟我們聯繫，你所有的問題都會得到解決。”

I had always pitied the desperate fools targeted by those ads. Now it seemed the desperate fool was me.

以前我一直很憐憫那些廣告所針對的絕望的傻瓜。現在，我似乎就是那個絕望的傻瓜。

My parents explained that the astrologer had predicted a bright marital future for me once an obstacle was removed.

我的父母說，那位占星師預言，只要清除一個障礙，我就會擁有光明的婚姻前景。

Apparently, the position of two Vedic planets in my chart — Rahu and Ketu — was troubling, and my parents should have done a prayer ritual to rid me of the effects when I was born. Instead, they had let these two mischief-making planets have their way with me.

顯然，我星象圖中的兩顆吠陀星（Rahu和Ketu）的位置有問題，父母應該在我出生時舉行祈禱儀式，消除它們的影響。可他們卻任由這兩個搗亂的星球困擾我。

The absurdity of the whole thing made me laugh, but I was eager to read the instructions and glad they were in English so my parents would not be able to skip the bad parts.

整件事的荒謬令我發笑，但是我很想看看裏面的指導，我很高興它是用英文寫的，這樣父母就不能跳過不好的部分。

I was to light incense and meditate on Lord Chandra, the god of the moon. I was to wash my moonstone in milk and the waters of the Ganges (luckily my parents always have some in the refrigerator) while repeating the Chandra Mantra 108 times. I was to wear the moonstone for 90 days while trying to be “active, cool and health conscious.”

我需要焚香，冥想月神。我需要用牛奶和恆河水清洗月長石（幸好我父母的冰箱裏總是存放着一些恆河水），同時唸誦月神咒語108次。我需要佩戴月長石90天，同時努力保持“積極冷靜，並注意健康”。

Meanwhile, back in India, Matri Vision’s Brahmins would do a separate moonstone prayer ritual for me, and I would need to fast until 4 p.m. on the day they performed it, which would take place in 60 days.

與此同時，60天后，馬特里預言中心的婆羅門也將在印度爲我舉行單獨的長月石祈禱儀式。祈禱當天，我要禁食至下午4點。

What did I have to lose? I wore my moonstone religiously and hoped Rahu and Ketu would stop messing with me.

我又沒有什麼損失。所以，我虔誠地佩戴長月石，希望Rahu和Ketu不要再困擾我。

After taking the bar exam, I headed off on a seven-week adventure to Southeast Asia. I was in Laos on that 60th day of the moonstone prayer ritual, which I had completely forgotten about.

律師資格考試之後，我前往東南亞進行爲期7天的探險。長月石祈禱儀式舉行那天，我在老撾，完全忘了這事。

But as fate would have it, I had given morning alms to the monks in Luang Prabang, and the ritual made me want to fast, just as I sometimes did at home when my mother asked me to do so for religious reasons, so I had.

但是機緣巧合，那天我在琅勃拉邦(Luang Prabang)向僧人們進行清晨佈施，那個儀式讓我想齋戒，就像有時在家裏，爲了一些儀式，媽媽讓我齋戒那樣，所以那天我也碰巧禁食了。

After 90 days, my life had improved drastically. I no longer awoke feeling frustrated and angry. My Hindi movie melodrama had stopped replaying itself in my dreams.

90天后，我的生活好了很多。清晨醒來，我不再覺得沮喪而憤怒。印度電影中的鬧劇不再在我夢裏反覆上演。

I still wasn’t sure I would love again, but it didn’t matter as much because I now believed there was nothing more I could have done to save that relationship.

我仍不確定我是否會再次戀愛，不過這變得不重要了，因爲我開始相信，本來我也不可能再做什麼去挽回那段戀情了。

My father called and said that he had spoken with the counselor from Matri Vision and that a final step remained, which I could complete the next time I visited.

爸爸打電話來說，他跟馬特里預言中心的顧問談過了，只差最後一步了，我下次回家時可以完成。

When I went to New Jersey that weekend, my parents handed me a basket shrouded in black cloth. In order to move on from my broken engagement, I would need to place the basket in the branches of a leafless tree and not look back.

那個週末，我回到新澤西州，父母交給我一個用黑布遮住的籃子。爲了從取消的婚約中走出來，我需要把籃子放到一棵沒有葉子的樹的枝杈上，並且不要回頭看。

On my way out to the yard, I peeked inside the basket and saw two bangles, a cheap necklace, earrings, a tin of kohl and a handkerchief. I reached up, placed it securely between two branches and walked away. I was tempted to look back but had come far enough that I was not going to spoil it in the homestretch.

在去那個院子的路上，我偷偷往籃子裏瞄了一眼，看見兩隻手鐲、一條廉價的項鍊、一對耳環、一盒眼影粉和一塊手帕。我踮起腳尖，把它穩穩地放在兩個枝杈之間，轉身走開。我很想回頭看，但是我已經走了這麼遠，不想在最後一步功虧一簣。

Soon after, just as predicted by Matri Vision, I met my next marital “opportunity,” an Orthodox Jewish man three years younger, as improbable a match for me as my fiancé had been probable. But now I was more open to improbable, because, you know — fate.

不久之後，就像馬特里預言中心預測的那樣，我遇到了我的下一個婚姻“機會”，一個比我小三歲的正統猶太人，他很不像我的婚配對象，就像我曾經的未婚夫很像我的婚配伴侶一樣。不過現在，我不再認爲有什麼事情是完全不可能的，因爲你知道，這都是命。

And as I slid into love with him against all of my better judgment, I felt liberated, not constrained, by the fact that our story, too, had already been written.

完全出乎我的理性判斷，我慢慢愛上了他。我們的故事也已經被寫好了——這個事實讓我覺得自由，而不是感到受束縛。

But I kept wearing my moonstone just in case.

不過，爲了以防萬一，我一直戴着月長石。