女生必看:你將成爲哪類妻子?

Every woman has a different approach to marriage, says Scott Haltzman, MD, a professor at Brown University and the author of several books, including The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever. Whether you're more take-charge or easygoing, bossy or nurturing, experts say that you can make a marriage work by recognizing your strengths and weaknesses. Below are the most common wife types. Which are you?
美國布朗大學教授、醫學博士斯科特 霍斯曼說，每個女人婚姻形式都各不相同。他著有多部作品，其中包括《已婚男士幸福祕訣：八種方法永遠贏得妻子的心》。不管你是主控類型的，還是逍遙自在型的，不管你是很專橫還是很有教養，認識到自己的優缺點總是會對你的婚姻有好處的。下面介紹幾種最常見的妻子類型。看看你是哪一種。

The Nurturer哺育者一樣的妻子

If he has a need, you meet it. You make him chicken soup when he's sick. You tuck love notes in his bagged lunches and do the dishes most nights because he seems too tired—after all, you reason, his job is more stressful than yours and he needs some down time. "These are women who are driven by a fundamental need to maintain peace," he says. "The only problem is that when women like this crash, they crash hard."
只要他有要求，你就滿足。他生病的時候你給他燉雞湯，在他的午餐便當裏塞上愛心紙條，大多數晚飯由你來做，只因爲他看上去似乎很累——你有你的理由，因爲你覺得畢竟他的工作比你的壓力大，所以需要時間休息一會兒。他說：“這種女人總是試圖維護平和的生活，唯一的問題就是，一旦這種女人崩潰，她們會崩潰的很嚴重。”

That's how Kathleen Buczko, 46, approached her marriage for many years. The marketing consultant from San Pedro, California, says she tried to be as nurturing as possible to her husband. Only one problem: She became burned out on being the "giver."
46歲的凱瑟琳 布奇科介紹了多年來她處理婚姻的方式。她是加利福尼亞州聖佩德羅的營銷顧問，她說在她的婚姻中她對丈夫總是儘量像個哺育者一樣。唯一的問題是，作爲一個給與者她變得筋疲力盡。

"When my oldest was born, I tried to keep up the fa?ade," she says. "I just expected that my husband would sense my exhaustion and step in. He didn't, so about five weeks after our first son was born I was going back to work, and I cracked."
“大兒子出生後，我努力支撐。我只希望丈夫能夠察覺到我的疲憊，然後幫幫我。但他沒有。所以大兒子出生大約五星期後我重新回去上班時突然崩潰了。”

Les Parrott, PhD, cofounder of and author of Trading Places: The Best Move You'll Ever Make in Your Marriage, says there's nothing wrong with wives who nurture. However, just be sure you do it without sacrificing your own needs. Mild depression, self-pity and negative expressions or outbursts are all warning signs of a nurturer who is on the verge of collapse—and maybe in need of nurturing herself.
賴斯·派瑞博士是的創辦人之一，著有《顛倒乾坤——婚姻中的最佳抉擇》，他說做一個哺育者似的妻子並沒有什麼錯，但是，一定要確保這樣做不會犧牲掉你自己的需求。輕度抑鬱症、自憐、否定表達或情感爆發都預示着培育者正處於崩潰的邊緣，或許她們需要哺育一下自己。

The Mothering Wife具有母性的妻子

You make his breakfast in the morning, manage his social calendar, remind him to take his medication and lay out his clothes for work each morning (no white socks with slacks!). And why wouldn't you do these things? You love him and you want him to be well taken care of—and to eat his vegetables!
你幫他做早飯，幫他管理社交安排表，提醒他吃藥，每天早上把他上班要穿的衣服找出來搭配好。爲什麼不這樣做呢，你愛他，希望給他很好的照顧，想辦法讓他吃蔬菜。

If you have a tendency to mother your husband, you're not alone. According to Haltzman, lots of women do it, and men, for the most part, don't complain. "Men like being taken care of," he says. "It can give him a sense of feeling loved. It can also reduce anxiety about whether his needs are being met. You make his doctor's appointments and you put his medication out for him in the morning, so you don't have to worry about his health."
如果你對自己的丈夫有母性的傾向，那你並不孤單。距霍斯曼說，很多女性都有這種傾向，而大多數男人也樂於接受。他說：“男人喜歡被照顧的感覺。這會讓他們有被愛的感覺，並且還能減輕他們因自己的需求是否能夠被滿足而產生的焦慮。你幫他預約醫生，早上把藥拿給他，這樣就不用擔心他的健康了。”

But, this wife style can come with some concerns. "You could be fostering a sense of dependency that your husband may end up taking for granted," he warns. "The biggest concern is that it can start to create feelings of resentment. The wife starts to feel like the husband is just another child to take care of, and the husband can start to feel like he isn't respected." And, let's face it, he adds, "No man wants to be married to his mother."
但是這種類型的妻子還要注意一些問題。他警告說：“你可能正在培養丈夫的依賴感，到最後可能他會以爲這些都是理所當然的。最大的問題是他還能滋生出不滿情緒。妻子會漸漸覺得丈夫就像是自己照顧的另一個孩子，而丈夫會覺得自己沒有得到尊重。”而且，還得面對這一事實，他補充說：“沒有哪個男人想娶個母親。”

Linda Franklin, author and creator of , says she used to mother her husband. "I think it's pretty common for a woman to transfer that mothering instinct to her significant other," she says. "It took me a long time to understand that you can be compassionate and loving without being smothering and controlling. A mother is a mother, and a wife is a wife, and never should those roles get confused."
作家琳達 富蘭克林是的創建者，她說自己總是母親般的照顧丈夫。“我覺得女性將母性本能轉移到自己的另一半身上是相當普遍的情況，我用了很長時間才明白，不用控制或者讓人喘不過氣來也能給與愛喝同情。母親就是母親，妻子就是妻子，角色不該混淆起來。”

Though this dynamic can work for some couples, Haltzman says try not to let your inner mother take over, and be on the look out for the warning signs of a troubled relationship. "When you start to feel annoyed about picking out his clothes in the morning or setting out his vitamins for him to take," he says, "it may be time to step back and rethink how you're approaching the relationship. It's better that his clothes don't match and he forgets the vitamins if it makes for a happier dynamic in the relationship."
儘管這種狀態可能會對一些夫妻有好處，但霍斯曼說盡量還是不要讓內心的母性取代你作爲妻子的角色，並要多留意那些表示夫妻間關係出現問題的跡象。他說：“如果你已經厭倦了早上幫他把衣服拿出來放好或者拿藥給他，那就是時候回頭看看你們是怎麼變成現在這種關係的了。如果能讓你們的關係更加美好，那麼即使他的衣服不配套或者他忘了吃藥也沒什麼。”

The "Little Girl" Wife“小女孩”一樣的妻子

This style, says Haltzman, is characterized by a woman's inability to do much of anything on her own. She's the damsel in distress—the wife who can't change a lightbulb, figure out how to program the DVR or pay the credit card bill without her husband's help. She feels as if she must run all decisions by her husband, and she frequently leans on him for guidance and direction in the way a little girl might lean on her father.
霍斯曼說，這種類型妻子的特點就是表現出來的女性無法獨立做什麼事情的那種無力感。她是苦惱的女子——沒有丈夫的幫助，自己就不會換燈泡、不知道怎麼製作DVR或者還信用卡。她覺得一切似乎都應該由丈夫來決定，她常常像小女孩依賴父親那樣依賴丈夫的指導和說明。

"This dynamic can appeal to a man's desire to be the leader, the provider," says Haltzman. "He can feel reinforced by having someone who values his skills, and she can be reinforced by allowing him to absorb a lot of the stress."
“這種情況可能會滿足男人希望成爲領導者或者做決定者的願望，因爲有人承認他的能力，所以男人會感到自己受到了鼓勵，而妻子則因爲允許丈夫承受大量壓力也會被獎勵。”

But while a scenario like this can work in the beginning of a relationship, it's hard to sustain it over time, and it can become problematic, he says, fostering loss of respect and resentment. And, he says, "it may feel good at first to have someone in the driver's seat, but after a few years you're going to want to take over the wheel every now and then."
但是，他說，這樣的情節只有在夫妻關係剛開始的情況下起作用，很難維持很長時間，很快就會出問題，引起夫妻間的互不尊重或者怨恨。他還說：“剛開始的時候，有人幫你開車可能讓你感覺很好，但過上幾年，你可能時不時的就會想自己開一開了。”

How to make a change? It can be helpful to identify the root cause of this behavior, adds Dr. Parrott. "Look at what's going on beneath the surface," he says. Women who were neglected or who didn't get adequate attention during their childhood can sometimes fall into these roles.
那麼怎麼改變這種情況呢？帕洛特博士的意見是要找出其根源。他說：“要看看錶象下到底發生了什麼。有時候，如果女性在童年時代被忽視或者沒有得到足夠的重視，那她就很可能成爲小女孩一樣的妻子。”

The Bossy Wife專橫的妻子

Do you write your husband to-do lists? Get on his case about helping around the house? Restrict his golfing dates and tell him who he can hang out with and who he can't? Don't be too embarrassed; Haltzman says your wife style is actually quite typical. "This tends to be what the majority of American households fall into, the woman taking charge of aspects of the home life, and sometimes the husband," he adds.
你有沒有列個單子告訴你丈夫做這個那個？有沒有讓他在家裏幫助做事？你有沒有限制他打高爾夫球，告訴他能和誰一起去，不能和誰一起去？不用覺得很不好意思，霍斯曼說，這種妻子類型其實相當典型。他還說：“美國的大多數家庭會出現這種情況，在這些家庭中，有時候是妻子負責家庭生活方面，有時候是丈夫。”

A little bossiness is fine, he says. "We men really don't mind Honey Do lists." But, when bossing borders on controlling, you might consider changing your ways. "Men like to joke about the ball-and-chain, but this behavior robs men of independence and leads to a weaker connection between a husband and wife," continues Haltzman. "When you try to control his agenda, he can start to feel as though you're taking away an important part of his manhood: choice." Plus, he adds, taking off the drill sergeant hat once in a while can improve your sex life. "Men want women with at least some sense of vulnerability—this adds to sexual attractiveness."
霍斯曼說，小小跋扈一下沒什麼不好。他說：“我們男人真的不在意什麼Honey Do lists。” 但是，一旦跋扈到了想控制別人的底部，那就得改變方式了。他還說：“男人喜歡拿球和鏈的情況開玩笑，但是這種行爲剝奪了男人的自由，使得丈夫和妻子間的關係變得薄弱。如果你試圖干涉他的日程，他會覺得好像你在把他男子氣概的一部分——選擇權——奪走一樣。”另外，他還補充到，偶爾把你的教官毛摘下來一次還能有助於改善你們的性生活。“男人希望女人至少有一點嬌弱感，這樣的女人會更加性感，更有吸引力。”

The Superwife超級妻子

Your husband doesn't do laundry (remember the time he washed lights with darks—in hot water?), he is a deer in the headlights at the grocery store and the last time he cooked was... back in college—and it was boxed macaroni and cheese. So you step up to the plate... and do it all.
你的丈夫不會洗衣服（他有沒有把淺色衣服和深色衣服一起洗，還是用熱水？），在商店裏就像被車燈嚇呆的鹿，他上次做飯時，哦，早在大學的時候，而且那次做的是盒裝通心粉和奶酪。所以你就開始行動了，自己來做這一期。

Wives that fit this category, says Haltzman, tend to fit the super-mom stereotype. Take Annette Cottrell, 43, a mother of two in Seattle, Washington, who writes the blog . In addition to running a small business that pays the mortgage, Cottrell says she's happy to manage her household without much help from her husband, who often works long hours. When it comes down to it, she says, "I tend to do it all—from the cooking to taking care of the kids’ needs."
霍斯曼說，這種類型的妻子往往適合超級媽媽的刻板印象。比如安妮特 科特雷爾，她今年43歲，是兩個孩子的母親，住在華盛頓州的西雅圖，她博客的地址是。科特雷爾說，除了爲按揭而做些小生意外，她還很高興的管理着家庭事務，不用丈夫幫忙，因爲他總是在工作。說到這個時，她說：“我常常自己做所有事情，從做飯到看孩子，都是自己做。”

But, superwife can quickly turn into super-burned-out wife. In fact, according to recent research, women often suffer from lack of sleep when they try to do it all. "This can get exhausting for the woman," says Haltzman. "She may feel taken for granted and unappreciated, which can lead to unhappiness and a breakdown of communication between her and her husband."
但是，超級妻子們很快會變成超級疲憊不堪妻子。實際上，根據最近的研究，女性通常會因爲她們想自己承擔所有的事而造成睡眠不足。霍斯曼說：“這會使女性感到疲憊。她們可能會覺得這是理所當然的而忽略這種疲憊感，這會引起她與丈夫間溝通上的不愉快或者障礙。”

If this sounds like you, the advice isn't to stop doing, but to start asking. Sit down with your husband, advises Haltzman, and make a list of the things he can help you with. But remember, he may not load the dishwasher or wash the kids’ hair the way you do. "Women who are truly happy are those who learn to use their husbands as a resource, not an impediment to their happiness," he adds.
如果你像這一類型的妻子，那麼給你的建議並不是說以後就“什麼都不做”了，而是要學會“要求”。霍斯曼的建議是，和丈夫坐下來談一談，列張單子看看他能幫你做些什麼。但是記住，他用洗碗機或者給孩子洗頭髮的方式可能會和你不同。“懂得利用丈夫這個資源會讓女人真正的幸福，而不會成爲幸福的阻礙。”

The Husband-Centered Wife以丈夫爲中心的妻子

Recently, Kristin Armstrong famously admitted that her failed marriage to legendary cyclist Lance Armstrong may have been due, in part, to her own faltering sense of self and personal purpose. Looking back, she says, she was too focused on her husband. "Marriage has the potential to erode the very fiber of your identity," she said in a Glamour magazine article in 2006. "If you aren't careful, it can tempt you to become a 'yes woman.' "
最近，克里斯汀 阿姆斯特朗公開承認，她與傳奇車手蘭斯 阿姆斯特朗之間婚姻失敗部分可能是因爲自己自我意識和個人目的不夠強。她說，回首過去，自己太專注於丈夫了。在2006年的一期《魅力》雜誌中她說道：“婚姻可能會腐蝕掉你自身的一些東西，如果你不小心，它會又是你變成一個只會說是的女人。”

"These wives view themselves as being participants in their husbands' successes," says Haltzman. Cheering on your husband is great, but just don't lose your sense of self in the process, he cautions. "This model can get dangerous when a wife focuses so much on her husband that she loses her personality, her sense of self," he says. By making his career and aspirations the focus, "there's a chance, at some point in the marriage, that you're going to feel that you lost out on something of your own."
霍斯曼說：“這些妻子認爲丈夫的成功自己也有份。”他提醒說，爲丈夫喝彩很好，但是在這個過程中也不要失去自我感。他說：“一旦做妻子的過於關注丈夫而失去了自己的個性以及自我感，那麼他們的關係就變得危險了。”把丈夫的事業和抱負作爲生活的焦點，“在婚姻中，有時候你會感到你在失去自己的某些東西。”

Haltzman's advice? Shake things up. "It's OK to do things that don't make him happy," he says. Whether it's taking a yoga class at 6 pm—which means he has to make dinner for the kids—or bowing out of his company's holiday party because it conflicts with plans you already made, Haltzman says husband-centered wives shouldn't be afraid to put "me" back into the equation. And, it might even strengthen your marriage (and sex life). "It's part of emotional growth," he continues. "Women can make us better men, but not by doing everything we want."
霍斯曼的意見？改變一些事情。他說：“做一些讓他不開始的事情也沒什麼。”不管事在下午6點去上瑜伽課（這意味着他得給孩子們做晚飯），還是因爲與自己的計劃衝突而不去參加他們公司的假日聚會，霍斯曼說，以丈夫爲中心的妻子們不應該怕把“我”重新放回平等的位置上。而且，這可能還能夠改善你們的婚姻，甚至是你們的性生活。他說：“這是增長情緒的一部分作用，女人能讓我們成爲更好的男人，但光做我們想讓她們做的事情不行。”

The Kid-Centered Wife以孩子爲中心的妻子

It's no myth that becoming parents can add stress to a marriage. In fact, a major eight-year study conducted by researchers at Texas A&M and the University of Denver found that as many as 90 percent of couples experience a decrease in marital satisfaction after having children. The common thing that happens, says Dr. Parrott, is for a woman to go from loving wife to devoted mommy. The only problem, he adds, is that sometimes she forgets to make room for her husband too.
有了孩子會增加婚姻的壓力，這不假。實際上，一項由德克薩斯A&M大學和丹佛大學的研究人員共同實施的一項長達八年的重要研究表明，有孩子後，百分之九十的夫妻對婚姻的滿意度下降。派瑞特博士說，最普遍的情況是女性有了孩子後就由一個忠誠的妻子變成了專職媽媽。他還說，唯一的問題是有時候她會忘了應該也給丈夫留點空間。

Kathy Takahashi, a mother of two in Bellevue, Washington, says the birth of her first child brought great changes to her marriage. "In the beginning, the experience of new parenthood was so intense and so overwhelming," she says, "and the needs of my high-need baby so great, that I had neither the time nor energy to spend on my husband."
凱西·高橋是兩個孩子的母親，住在華盛頓州貝爾維尤市，她說第一個孩子的出生給自己的婚姻帶來了巨大的變化。她說：“開始的時候，初做父母的經歷如此強烈，如此不可抗拒，被寶寶需要的感覺如此棒，以至於我既沒有時間也沒有精力去管我的丈夫。”

And now, years later, Takahashi says she's working on ways of realigning her priorities, but it's not always easy. "There's something in me that says I have to respond to every need and want my children express or, somehow, I'm depriving them," she says. "Something's got to give and, sadly, my husband gets bumped way down the list."
現在，很多年過去了，高橋說她正在重新調整重點，但並不容易。“我總是覺得我該對孩子們的任何要求和希望作出迴應，否則，出於某種原因，我會覺得自己在剝奪他們的權利。有些東西必須給與，可悲的是我丈夫就成了最不受關注的對象。”

While no one would suggest that being devoted to your children is a bad thing, don't do it at the risk of your relationship, says Dr. Parrott. "Wives who take this approach care greatly for their children and are wonderful mothers," he continues, "but don't forget to tune into your husband's needs too."
帕洛特博士說，沒人會說你深愛自己的孩子有什麼錯，但也不要因爲這樣就給你們的夫妻關係帶來風險。他還說：“這樣做的妻子都會很好的照顧孩子，是很好的媽媽，但是也不要忘了諧調一些丈夫的需求。”

How to get back to the way you were? Take Dr. Parrott's advice: "Don't just talk about it, show him that you want to make a change," he says. "Take the initiative to plan a date night, a shared activity. Go do something fun together like you did before you had kids. Guys want a playmate; they don't want to talk. This will speak volumes to your husband."
怎樣回到原來的軌道上呢？帕洛特博士的建議是：“不要只是嘴上說說，而是要讓他看到你正在做出改變。第一步可以計劃一個約會之夜，一起做些什麼。一起做一些有趣的事，就像你以前和孩子們一起做的那樣。男人們都想要個玩伴，他們不喜歡談話。這對你丈夫來說可能意味深長。”