當今時代父母有說"不"的權力嗎

I grew up in an affluent area. Most kids owned multiple Cabbage Patch dolls and Gear bags and pairs of Jordache jeans (not to mention the beloved Atari 2600). I certainly had enough, but it felt like all of my peers possessed more. I wanted Benetton sweaters and a cool bike. I wanted to take trips to Mexico over Christmas break and come back with a bronze tan. I wanted to impress people with a fancy car, not the red Datsun 510 parked in our driveway.

我在富人區長大，那裏的孩子差不多都有好幾個椰菜娃娃、好幾個戶外裝備包和好幾條Jordache牌子的牛仔褲（更不用說讓人愛不釋手的雅達利2600遊戲機了）。我的東西當然不算少，但我還是覺得別的孩子比我東西多。我想要一件貝納通毛衣和一輛很酷的自行車，我想在聖誕節去墨西哥玩，把全身曬成古銅色。我還想要一輛驚豔四鄰的炫酷轎車，而不是停在我家車道上的那輛紅色Datsun 510。

As I got older, I didn't merely crave material items-I wanted freedom. On weekends, my friends' parents left them alone in their apartments while they went elsewhere. I was never left unattended until I went to college. My friends had no curfew. I had to be home by midnight. Plus, my mom watched me like a hawk.

隨着年齡漸長，我就不再只追求物質上的東西，我還想要自由。我的朋友們每到週末就有機會在父母外出的時候單獨在家，可我在上大學以前從沒有“獨守空房”的時候。我的朋友多晚回家都沒事，我必須在晚上12點前到家，還有，我媽媽看管我像看管犯人一樣。

As a teenager, I felt humiliated, uncool, and angry. Why couldn't my mom just be like the other parents? In my world, one was popular if she had the right haircut and could stay out late. My mom, however, refused to budge. She stuck to her guns, and I begrudged her throughout my adolescence.

我那時候青春年少，覺得自己沒面子，是個土妞，我感到很生氣。爲什麼我媽就不能像別人父母那樣呢？在我眼裏，如果一個女孩子髮型正點，能在外面待到很晚纔回家，她就會很受歡迎。但我媽在這點上拒絕讓步，不容半點討價還價的餘地，這讓我在整個青春期都十分記恨她。

Fast-forward some 25 years. Now I'm the parent and I get to decide the rules. Do I buy Uggs for my preschooler? Should my fifth grader get the new iPhone 5? Will I allow my daughter to walk home from school with the other kids? Is she old enough to roam the mall solo?

看看25年後的我，有了自己的孩子，成了定規矩的人了。我會給沒上學的孩子買Ugg雪地靴嗎？我會給上五年級的孩子買新款iPhone 5嗎？我會讓自己女兒和其他同學一起從學校走回家嗎？她到了可以獨自一人逛商場的年齡了嗎？

It isn't especially hard for my husband and I to decide what we think are the right choices for our children. No, the challenge is having to deal with the unhappy child when he/she doesn't get what he/she wants, especially when the other kids do.

我和丈夫都覺得，讓我們決定哪些事情孩子該做，哪些不該做，這不太難。難就難在自己孩子想要的東西得不到，別的孩子卻能得到，孩子不高興了怎麼辦？

As a parent, this battle has been going on a long time. In her pre-school class, several of my daughter's little friends wore Ugg boots. When I got a hand-me-down knock-off pair, my daughter turned up her nose. 'These aren't Uggs, ' she snapped. '

爲人父母的我們很早就遇到了這種情況。在女兒上學前，她的幾個幼兒園小朋友都穿着Ugg的靴子。當我拿回家一雙山寨版的舊靴子時，女兒十分不屑，惱怒地說：這不是Ugg的鞋。

'Huh?' I said.

我很詫異：啊？

Her response floored me. 'Real Uggs have the name on the back. The kids in school told me mine aren't real.'

她的回答讓我不知所措。女兒說：真的Ugg商標是在鞋後面，小朋友都說我的鞋是假的。

This was hardly an aberration. Were I to record a montage of my children's responses after hearing the word 'No, ' it would sound something like this: 'But why can't we watch YouTube videos? Why can't I have a cell phone? Why can't I have my fifth dessert? Why can't we drink soda, have a video game, stay up later, join the country club, ... ' Inevitably the response to my retort is, 'But all the other kids are allowed.'

這種情況簡直司空見慣。如果把孩子在聽到我和丈夫說“不”之後的反應記錄下來，拼在一起，那聽起來應該是這樣的：爲什麼我們不能在YouTube上看視頻？爲什麼我不能有手機？爲什麼我不能吃第五個甜點？爲什麼不能喝汽水？爲什麼不能玩視頻遊戲？爲什麼不能晚睡？爲什麼不能加入鄉村俱樂部？等等等等。我一解釋，他們肯定又會說：那怎麼別的孩子就可以？

When my kids were young, it was a manageable backlash. But now, as they age, the pressure to fit in grows exponentially and so does the parenting pressure. Sometimes I just want to take the easy route. I want to give in. Parenting is exhausting and why fight the little stuff? But then I realize, not being able to stand my ground on soda will make it so much harder to hang tough about the bigger issues like Internet safety and dating.

孩子小的時候，雖然他們不樂意，做父母的還能管得了。可隨着孩子慢慢長大，與他們融洽相處的難度明顯增加，教育子女的壓力也加大了。有時候我想，怎麼省事怎麼來吧，由他們去吧，做父母本來就讓人筋疲力盡，幹嘛爲這點小事吵架？可每到這時候我就意識到，汽水事小，原則事大，如果在汽水問題上不能堅持原則，以後碰到網絡安全和約會這種大事情，豈不是更難要求孩子了？

Although I couldn't see it as a child, I now realize how amazing my mom was all those years ago. She knew what she thought was best and she didn't care if I hated her for it. That's strong parenting.

雖然自己小的時候不能明白其中的道理，但現在我知道了，我媽當年真夠牛的。她知道什麼對我最好，根本不在乎我恨不恨她，這是虎媽式的教育。

My childhood disappointments and restrictions actually taught me valuable life lessons that I am trying to pass on to my kids.

童年時的種種失意和約束實際上是我人生的寶貴課程，現在我要把這一課傳授給我的孩子。

Not getting every fad item taught me to work to afford what I wanted. I also learned to budget my money. Often once my mom said no, I realized I didn't really want the item that badly. As an adult, I still don't need a lot of 'in' things. I much prefer to save my money for something I really want or need.

當我得不到自己想要的時髦物件，我就知道必須爲此努力工作。我還學會了給自己理財。很多時候，只要媽媽說不，我就會發現自己其實並不那麼想要那件東西。長大成人後，我依然不需要那麼多“入時”的玩意兒，我更願意攢錢買自己確實想要或需要的東西。

I learned that even though some kids had all the stuff and freedoms I craved, they came at a price. People sometimes make poor choices with money. They buy things they can't really afford and run up large debts so they can fit in.

我還知道，即便一些小夥伴擁有我當時夢寐以求的所有東西和自由，那也是付出代價的。手上有了錢，人們有時會做出不明智的選擇，購買超出自己承受能力的東西，讓自己債臺高築。

Lastly, I learned that having every desired item doesn't me one happy. There are other ways for me to be fulfilled. I am gratified by working, helping a neighbor, being a good friend, cooking, drawing with chalk in the driveway, and playing the piano beside my daughter. I think this kind of happiness was learned in childhood.

最後我還明白了一點，一個人擁有了所有渴求的東西，並不一定快樂。有很多別的事情會讓我感覺充實。我努力工作，幫鄰居的忙，對朋友有情有義，烹飪美食，用粉筆在自家車庫前的空地上畫畫，坐在女兒身旁彈鋼琴，這些都讓我很開心。我覺得這種開心與我小時候的家庭教育是分不開的。

The peer pressure your child encounters in school to have the 'in' item or the latest technology or the most freedom turns into parenting peer pressure. What is hardest for me is that I know how my children will feel when I say no. It hurts. They won't understand it. They will be angry and will direct that at me.

當你的孩子在學校裏和人攀比時髦商品、最新的電子產品或是最大的自由空間時，孩子會感受到來自同齡人的壓力，這種壓力又會轉移到父母身上。對我來說，最難的是我知道自己說“不”之後孩子心裏的感受，這會讓我難過。孩子不會理解，他們會生氣，會把氣撒在我身上。

I just have to remind myself that sometimes the best lessons are the most painful.

我只能提醒自己，有時候，最寶貴的經驗是用最痛苦的經歷換來的。