年輕人如何處理愛情和金錢的關係大綱

The internet is brimming with money tips for newlyweds — open a joint account, talk about your money values, budget for date night. While sound advice, these articles ignore a simple truth: your money relationship doesn’t begin when you walk down the aisle. It starts on your very first date.

互聯網爲新婚夫婦提供了許多理財技巧——開設聯名賬戶，溝通理財價值觀，爲約會之夜制定預算。這些都是有益的忠告，不過這些文章忽略了一條簡單的真理：你和配偶之間的金錢關係並非始於步入婚姻殿堂之時，而是從第一次約會就開始了。

Rather than discussing finances in romantic relationships, we tend to quickly and quietly adapt to our beliefs about how the other person wants to deal with the issue. So if Mr. Wonderful pays on dates one and two, his dinner partner may assume he is happy to pay on dates three, four and 50. But that often leads to frustration from at least one party. Maybe, like most millennials, Mr. Wonderful can’t really afford to treat every time. Perhaps his date feels guilty for not contributing financially.

與其在戀愛中談錢，我們更傾向於迅速地悄悄去適應另一半在這件事情上的看法。因此，如果說好人君（Mr. Wonderful）頭一兩次約會都主動掏錢，那他的約會對象可能就會覺得第三回、第四回甚至是第50回也都該由他買單。但這通常會至少讓其中一方感到沮喪失落。或許，像大多數千禧一代，好人君實際上無法每次都請客。也許他的約會對象會因爲在財務上沒有做出貢獻而感到內疚。

You are probably thinking, ‘just say something.’ But chances are you wouldn’t.

你可能會想，“說說清楚吧。”不過你多半開不了口。

“We are all ‘funny’ about money, no matter how much or how little money we have, ” writes Dr. Kate Levinson in her book Emotional Currency. If, as the oft quoted statistic says, 70% of divorces are due to money woes, what financial changes can couples make early on to fortify their long term odds?

凱特·萊文森（Kate Levinson）博士在《情感貨幣》（Emotional Currency）一書中寫道，“我們對待金錢的態度都很“有趣”，無論是有錢還是沒錢人。”據經常引用的統計數字表明，70%的人離婚是因爲經濟問題，那麼，夫妻可以提前在財務方面做出哪些改變，來鞏固長期的婚姻關係？

Scott Rick, a marketing professor at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business, studies the links between money, attraction and marital happiness. In a 2011 paper, “ Fatal (Fiscal) Attraction: Spendthrifts and Tightwads in Marriage, ” Rick and his co-authors reveal that tightwads (people who tend to spend less than they would like to) often marry spendthrifts (people who spend more than they would like to).

密歇根大學羅斯商學院（University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business）市場營銷學教授斯科特·裏克（Scott Rick）專注於研究金錢、吸引力和婚姻幸福間的聯繫。在2011年的論文《致命（財務）吸引力：婚姻中的敗家子和吝嗇鬼》（Fatal (Fiscal) Attraction: Spendthrifts and Tightwads in Marriage）中，裏克與合作者們揭示了吝嗇鬼（那些花錢節儉的人）通常會和敗家子（那些花錢大手大腳的人）結婚的真相。

“Generally we marry ourselves. We go out and find someone who mirrors the things we like about ourselves, ” says Rick, who began looking at spendthrifts and tightwads in relationships when he married a tightwad. “But a tightwad doesn’t like being a tightwad. A spendthrift does not like being a spendthrift. It turns out they don’t want a second one of themselves in the home.” Rick explains that the differences initially lead to attraction but eventually becomes less fun when you need to make decisions of economic consequence.

自打娶了個小氣老婆之後，裏克就開始研究情侶關係中的敗家子和吝嗇鬼，他表示，“通常來說，我們會和同類人結婚。我們出去約會，尋找那些和我們興趣相投的人。但是極其摳門的人不喜歡成爲吝嗇鬼。揮霍無度的人也不喜歡成爲敗家子。事實證明，他們都不喜歡在家裏看到第二個自己。”裏克解釋說，最初的性格差異會導致愛情吸引，但是當需要做出有一定經濟影響的決定時，這就沒那麼好玩了。

Around this time last year, a much talked about New York Times article reveled a trend of young adults asking for their love interest’s credit score to determine if he or she is worth pursuing. In one anecdote a 31 year old flight attendant was quickly disenchanted when a suitor asked about her credit score on their very first date.

去年大約這個時候，《紐約時報》（New York Times）刊出的一篇文章引發了熱烈的討論，文章報道美國年輕人流行打聽自己心儀對象的信用評分，以衡量對方是否值得追求。有這樣一段軼事，當追求者在雙方第一次約會中問及她的信用評分時，一位31歲的空姐突然立刻不再抱幻想。

Like our dating lives, a person’s relationship to money cannot be boiled down to a single statistic. Maybe wait a few dates to bring up nitty gritty details like credit scores and 401k balances. Instead Levinson says you should see if the relationship “has legs” and keep an eye out for “patterns.” Does one partner always pay? Are you are being overly generous, while your partner is being tightfisted? How does that make you feel?

跟約會那樣，人與金錢的關係不能簡單歸結爲一個數字。也許等約會過幾次，再打聽彼此的信用評分以及401K退休金戶頭餘額等這些具體細節吧。萊文森表示，重點要看這段戀愛關係是否“能長久”，密切注意“交往模式”。是否總是一方在付錢？你是否過於慷慨，而約會對象特別摳門？這讓你有什麼感覺？

If you are unhappy with your money exchanges, Levinson recommends approaching the topic in the same way you might the dirty socks your girlfriend leaves around. ‘You always leave your socks on the floor and that’s irritating to me. Why don’t you put them in the hamper?’ is not so different from saying, ‘You never let me pay for dinner and that’s irritating to me. What is that about for you?’ Don’t criticize, but instead try to come to a mutual understanding of why you each behave the way you do.

如果你對你們的金錢往來不滿意，萊文森建議，解決這個問題可以仿效處理女朋友亂扔髒襪子的做法。“你總是把襪子扔在地板上，這讓我很惱火。爲什麼不把襪子放在洗衣籃裏？”其實這樣說沒有多大不同：“你總是不讓我請你吃晚餐，這讓我很惱火。這是怎麼回事？”不要批評對方，而是嘗試相互理解，爲什麼你們各自會有這種行爲。

Married financial planners Scott and Bethany Palmer describe money as a laboratory, by observing your love-interest’s spending habits you can get to know him or her. If you, for example, notice that the girl you have gone out with a few times is careful with her pennies you can compliment her self control. If you notice she throws spending caution to the wind you can ask about her non-financial adventures. “When you are dating you really have the opportunity to see what you are about to get into, ” says Scott.

婚內理財規劃師斯科特·帕爾默（Scott Palmer）和貝瑟尼·帕爾默（Bethany Palmer）把金錢形容爲一座實驗室，通過觀察心儀對象的消費習慣，可以瞭解對方的爲人。比如說，如果你注意到，和你約會過幾次的女友花錢很仔細，你可以稱讚她的自我控制力。如果你發現她花錢大手大腳，也可以詢問她在財務方面以外的冒險經歷。斯科特說，“約會的時候，實際上是有機會看清楚對方是什麼樣的人的。”

There are, however, also warnings signs to look for. You may want to rethink a relationship if someone is unwilling to discuss money, lies about their finances or doesn’t pay you back. Perhaps your date said he left a tip for that friendly waitress on the table, but you find no cash when you run back to get your sunglasses. Don’t let red flags go. “Once we are in love with somebody, ” Levinson notes, “we are vulnerable to taking care of someone in ways that are not healthy.”

當然也有些信號要警惕。如果對方不願討論金錢，對財務狀況撒謊，只有索取沒有付出，那麼你可能就要重新考慮與之的關係。也許你的約會對象會說，他有把小費放在桌子上留給親切友好的女服務生，但當你回去找落下的太陽眼鏡時，卻沒有看到。不要放過這樣的危險信號。萊文森指出，“一旦愛上某個人，我們就很容易用一些不健康的方式去縱容對方。”

A psychotherapist, Levinson is currently working with a couple that has been dating for four years and wants to buy a house. Both partners have steady incomes, but one has additional family money. Generous with small expenses, the partner with extra funds wants to split the home 50/50 even if it means buying a lesser property. The other partner cannot understand why his mate isn’t willing to pay more and take a larger share of the equity so they can live in a home they love. “The work, ” says Levinson, “is really about figuring out why she needs to be so boundaried here and having her partner understand why.” Being in love (like or lust) doesn’t preclude the realities of financial inequality and assumptions. By the same token, knowing the contents of someone’s bank account doesn’t mean you understand his or her relationship to it.

作爲一名心理治療師，萊文森目前正爲一對情侶提供諮詢，他們交往了四年並想購買一棟房產。雙方都有穩定收入，其中一方擁有額外的家庭財產。手頭更寬裕的女方雖然在小額支出上很大方，但卻希望平攤購房費用，即便這意味着他們只能買小一點的房子也在所不惜。男方不能理解爲什麼女友不願意多掏點錢，多負擔一點購房費用，這樣他們就能住上一棟自己喜歡的房子。萊文森說，“諮詢實際上是爲了搞清楚，爲什麼她需要在買房問題上劃清界限，並讓男友理解其中的原因。”墜入愛河（喜歡或慾望）不能排除財務不對等的現實和假設。出於同樣的原因，知道某人銀行賬戶有多少錢，並不意味着你就理解對方的金錢觀念。