校園生活:嚮應屆畢業生的致辭

Thank you, President and Trustees.

謝校長，謝謝校董們。

I have to confess that coming here to speak today raised a question in my mind: Now that high-school students are so accomplished and work so hard, would I even be admitted today to this eminent liberal arts school, from which I graduated 25 years ago? I was curious enough about this that I contacted an admissions officer here. I asked her to dig up my old application and give me a quick opinion.

我必須承認，今天來到這兒演講使我的腦海中冒出一個問題：現在的高中生都那麼有才華，學習又如此刻苦，如果放在今日，我還能被這所我於25年前畢業的名牌文科高校錄取嗎？對此我非常好奇，於是我聯繫了學校的一名招生人員，請她找出我以前的申請材料並迅速給我一個意見。

This turned out to be a grave mistake. Not only was her answer 'absolutely not, ' but a few days later I received a letter informing me that I had been retroactively denied admission to my own alma mater. To make matters worse, they culled through the entire cabinet of applications from my year and decided to revoke admission for 73% of my classmates.

事實證明這麼做大錯特錯。她不僅以“絕對不能錄取”回答我，幾天之後我還收到一封信，通知我說我已被自己的母校追溯過往、拒絕錄取了。更糟糕的是，他們還篩選了我申請入學那一年整個櫃子的申請材料，決定撤銷我73%的同學的入學資格。

If that includes any parents here today, I'm really sorry. I've printed out the non-admit list, and after my speech I'll nail it to the door of our 300-year-old memorial church, which has recently been transformed into the student-run coffee shop Jitters and Beans.

如果這其中包括今天在座的任何家長，我真的很抱歉。我已經把未予錄取的名單打印出來，演講結束之後我會把它釘在我們那座有300年曆史的紀念教堂的門上，前不久它已被改造成了學生經營的Jitters and Beans咖啡館。

If it happens that you're on the list, you will have the opportunity to reapply, so you'll probably want to work on bulking up your application right away. A good start would be to show up tomorrow at 8 a.m. for dorm cleaning crew. And maybe this summer you'll want to get an unpaid internship at the charity that you pretend to care about the most.

如果你的名字在那份名單上，你還有機會重新申請，所以你大概會想馬上去充實你的申請材料。明早八點出現在打掃宿舍的隊伍中會是一個不錯的開端。另外，今年夏天你或許還想在你假裝最關注的慈善組織獲得一份無報酬的實習工作。

My own sudden lack of credentials caused me to reflect on the fact that I and apparently most of your parents couldn't hold a candle to you when we were applying to college. So I want to pay tribute to the spectacular collection of new graduates sitting here today.

突然失去文憑促使我開始反思，我──顯然也包括大多數的家長──在申請大學時無法與你們相比。因此，我想向今天在座的人數蔚爲壯觀的應屆畢業生們致敬。

In high school you were National Merit Scholars, student council presidents and captains of your fencing teams. You took dozens of practice SATs, practiced viola for thousands of hours (violinists are a dime a dozen) and French-braided the hair of homeless veterans.

你們在高中時是全國優秀學生獎學金(National Merit Scholarship)獲得者、學生會主席、擊劍隊隊長。你們參加了數十次SAT模擬考試，練習了幾千個小時的中提琴（因爲會拉小提琴的人比比皆是），並且還爲無家可歸的老兵編法式髮辮。

You masterfully tied together a set of emotional symptoms that looked enough like attention deficit disorder to buy you extra time on all your finals and standardized tests. Plus, you got to take the exams in special quiet rooms, where a test facilitator would sharpen the pencils outside, because the grinding sound triggered your acute sensory overload. (Which somehow didn't preclude your part-time summer job at Blenders Juicery.)

你們巧妙地將一系列看上去足夠像注意力缺失症的情緒症狀結合在一起，以此在所有期末考試和標準化測試中贏取更多時間。此外，你們還得在安靜的特殊考場考試，考試協調員會在考場外削鉛筆，因爲削筆的刺耳聲音會刺激你們超負荷的敏銳神經。（不過這一點不會排除你曾於暑期在Blenders Juicery兼職的經歷。）

You hired private college advisers to read your essays and hone your interview skills. Just think back to those valuable sessions where you learned to practically leap out of the chair talking about your passion for writing one-act plays in Cherokee, or how your heart raced that summer on the Mongolian steppes when you first spotted an ovoo monitor lizard, once thought to be extinct.

你們還聘請私立大學的指導老師閱讀你的文章、磨鍊你的面試技巧。回想一下那些助益匪淺的培訓，你學會了要適時從椅子上蹦起來，當在談論你多麼想寫一部有關切羅基人(Cherokee)的獨幕劇時，又或是那年夏天你在蒙古大草原第一次見到曾被認爲已經滅絕的敖包巨蜥時，你的心臟是如何劇烈地跳動。

And you learned to deftly walk the college interviewer through your many achievements while still showing carefully modulated self-effacement: 'Yes, I helped design the CO2 scrubber that will save humanity from global warming, but it was totally a team effort.'

不止於此，你還學會了靈巧地引導大學面試官瞭解你的衆多成就，同時仍能表現出已經過細緻調整的謙遜態度，比方說“是的，我幫助設計了將使人類免受全球變暖影響的二氧化碳洗滌器，但那完全是團隊的努力。”

Then you arrived at this great institution, where you dabbled in a couple of your passions, only to quit them after freshman year because you found new ones: playing hundreds of rounds of 'Settlers of Catan' and having long debates into the night over which Stark son is hotter on 'Game of Thrones.'

後來，你們來到這所著名學府，在這兒淺嘗了一兩樣愛好，但在大一過後就放棄了，因爲你們找到了新愛好──打上數百輪《卡坦島拓荒者》(Settlers of Catan)遊戲，或是與人爭辯《權力的遊戲》(Game of Thrones)中史塔克(Stark)家的兒子哪個更帥氣，直至深夜。

The keys of your $20, 000 Powell flute became rusted shut after it was put to use as a bong for the last two years. Your Wilson Pro H22 tennis racquet quickly became a drying rack for your underwear once you found out that the college tennis team was filled with power-hitting recruits from Estonia and the Ukraine who could knock a flash drive off the top of your head with a backhand.

你那管花了20,000美元的鮑威爾(Powell)長笛的吹孔已經生鏽堵塞，因爲它在前兩年就一直被當作煙筒使用。當你發現校網球隊滿是來自愛沙尼亞和烏克蘭的新生，他們擊球強勁有力，能用一招反手抽擊把你打得暈頭轉向時，你那副威爾遜(Wilson) Pro H22系列的球拍很快就變成了你晾曬內衣的架子。

So you relaxed into college life a well-deserved break after the exhausting race to get here. You've spent four years percolating in a warm stew of beer, gender studies and online pornography which led to the subject of your senior thesis, 'Jacobean Dramatic Tropes in Modern 'Massage Surprise' Videos.'

於是乎，你開始放鬆享受大學生活，在經歷了那場把你送到這兒的讓人筋疲力盡的競爭之後，休息一下理所應當。這四年時間你沉醉於令人興奮的啤酒、性別研究以及網絡色情圖片──所以你畢業論文的題目就是《現代‘按摩驚喜’視頻中詹姆斯一世時期的戲劇隱喻》(Jacobean Dramatic Tropes in Modern 'Massage Surprise' Videos)。

Fortunately, your parents, who had become so accustomed to guiding you through the myriad decisions you had to make to get into this place, have been able to stay in constant smartphone contact. You've been able to call them when you were at the salad bar and couldn't remember which salad dressing you like. You were able to email them your sociology paper and luckily, Dad's colleague Elliot at the firm had an M.A. in sociology and was able to make a few helpful suggestions, such as the central argument, supporting evidence and the pull-it-all-together conclusion.

幸運的是，在你們爲進入這所學校必須做出無數決定的過程中，習慣了全程指引你們的父母能借助智能手機與你們保持聯繫。當你站在沙拉臺旁、記不起自己喜歡哪種沙拉調料時，你還能給他們打個電話。你還能通過電子郵件把社會學論文發給他們，幸而你爸爸的公司同事艾略特(Elliot)是一名社會學碩士，能夠給你提一些有用的建議，比如要有中心論點、支持論據以及總括全文的結論等等。

Mostly, though, you've spent your last four years being ... well, at home.

然而，在這過去的四年中，大部分時間你們都...呆在家裏。

When I said goodbye to my son at freshman drop-off day, I was thrown into a black despair over how much I'd miss him. But as it turned out, he had so few weeks of actually being at college that I never had time to miss him. Misty-eyed, when the rest of the family was having dinner, I'd say, 'I wonder what Johnny's doing right now, ' and then I'd hear him call from the family room, 'I'm watching 'Arrested Development.''

把剛上大學的兒子送到學校的那一天，和他告別後，想到今後我會無比地想念他，我陷入了深深的絕望之中。然而，事實證明，他真正呆在學校的時間實在太短了，我還從來沒時間去想念他。當家人圍坐在一起吃晚飯時，我眼眶溼潤地感慨道：“不知道強尼(Johnny)現在在幹嗎”，接着我就聽到了他從家中房間傳來的喊聲：“我在看《發展受阻》((Arrested Development)呢。”

But let's not understate the big achievements you've racked up during the 70 or so days you've actually spent on campus. The first, and perhaps finest accomplishment, is having persuaded your parents to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to extend your childhood for four years.

儘管如此，我們還是別低估了你們在實際呆在校園的那70來天的時間中取得的巨大成就。第一項，或許也是你們最傑出的一項成就是，你們說服了父母花費數萬美元讓你們的兒童期再延長四年。

Let's also not forget how hard you've worked to find something to protest against. In my day, it was apartheid in South Africa. In yours, it's championing people who wanted the God-given right to use a gender-neutral bathroom. Thrillingly, you petitioned the President and Trustees and won: Now guys can make both bathrooms on every dorm floor equally disgusting.

我們也別忘了你們多麼努力地去尋找要加以抗議的事情。在我們那個年代，我們抗議的是南非的種族隔離制度。在你們這個年代，你們做的是羣起響應，要求獲得使用“無性別衛生間”這一上天賜予的權利。令人振奮的是，你們爲此向校長和校董們請願並且獲勝，如今大家可以把每一間宿舍的兩個衛生間都弄得一樣讓人噁心了。

But there is another huge achievement that your generation will take away from college. A great stroke of genius that you have collectively devised, marshaling all of the intelligence and drive that got you admitted here in the first place: the hookup culture.

你們這代人在大學畢業之時還取得了另一項巨大成就。這一過人的天才之舉是由你們集體構想出來的，調集了把你們送到這所學府的所有才能和動力，它就是“勾搭文化”。

You've had vast amounts of sex weekends upon weekends of bed-swapping that began on Thursday nights. There is not a single bed, couch, lab counter, library desk, football end zone, university founder's statue, Henry Moore sculpture or monkey research cage on top of which you, the outstanding class of 2013, haven't copulated.

你們縱情於性愛，從每週四晚開始，一週接一週地滾牀單。無論是牀、沙發、實驗室的操作檯、圖書館的書桌、橄欖球場的球門區、學校創建人的塑像、亨利·摩爾(Henry Moore)的雕塑還是研究猴子的籠子，沒有一處是你們──你們這些傑出的2013屆畢業生──沒有在上面媾合過的。

And you young straight men, in particular, have had amazing advantages. This school, like every other liberal arts institution today, is 60% women. Factor in a gay population of 8% to 10%, and the odds were massively, groaningly in your favor.

特別是那些年輕的“直男們”，你們的優勢令人豔羨。與其他每一所文科高校相同，這所學校60%的學生爲女生，考慮到還有8%至10%的男同性戀人羣，機會對你們是極其有利的。

In my day, the male/female ratio was 50-50. Sadly, it was decades before women saw 'The Social Network' and realized that by inviting the awkward kid next to them at the cafeteria's gluten-free station to bed, they could get in on the ground floor of a Zuckerberg or even a Winklevoss.

在我讀大學的時候，男女生比率是50比50。悲哀的是，那是在幾十年前，女孩們沒看過《社交網絡》(The Social Network)，不知道在食堂的無麩質食品站旁，如果邀請身邊那個傻小子上牀的話，她們可能會近水樓臺先得月，得到一個扎克伯格(Zuckerberg)或是文克萊沃斯(Winklevoss)兄弟那樣的人物。

We didn't have a hookup culture. We had a dating culture. And even that was a culture I was on the periphery of, much like Jane Goodall watching chimpanzees through binoculars hopeful that the chimps would invite her over but more terrified that they would rip her face off.

我們那時候沒有勾搭文化，只有約會文化，而且我對約會文化也沒摸着門道，很像珍妮·古道爾(Jane Goodall)拿着望遠鏡觀察黑猩猩，既希望那些猩猩會邀請她過去，但又更害怕它們會撕爛她的臉。

So I stand here, looking at this beautiful, 60% female crowd, and wonder what the hookup culture would have meant to me if I'd been in school today. I suspect it would have given me many more opportunities to be the only person not having sex.

所以，當我站在這兒，看着比例達60%的漂亮女生，心裏想着假如我現在還在學校讀書的話，“勾搭文化”對我來說將意味着什麼。我懷疑那會讓我有更多機會成爲唯一沒有性經驗的人。

I want all of you to take a moment and honor yourselves for this signature sexual revolution. Take heart in the idea that no matter how hard things get, no matter what failures you endure, you will always have the memories of the night when you and a drunk sophomore did it on top of two passed-out lacrosse players.

我希望你們大家都抽出些時間，爲這個標誌性的性革命向你們自己致敬。你們要銘記在心，無論事情變得多艱難，無論你遭受了什麼失敗，你將一直擁有那晚的回憶──你和一個醉酒的大二學生在兩個爛醉如泥的長曲棍球球員的身上做愛。

Unfortunately, those are memories you'll have to cling to a lot, because here is your dilemma: You, the best-prepared college generation ever, have just spent four of the most formative years of your lives in an environment that's the exact opposite of the real world. Every room you've walked into here was filled with ambitious, fascinating people who shared your interests in which pizza places took online orders and what your zombie kill count was in 'Call of Duty: Black Ops II.'

可惜的是，你得時常守着那些回憶，因爲你們面臨着這麼一個困境：作爲有史以來準備最充分的一代大學生，你們在一個與現實世界截然相反的環境中度過了最能塑造你們人生的四年。在這兒，你們走進的每個房間都滿是雄心勃勃、讓人着迷的人，他們也和你一樣關心哪家匹薩店可以網上訂餐，你們在《使命召喚：黑色行動II》(Call of Duty: Black Ops II)中殺死殭屍的點數是多少。

Your life has been a nonstop ride of work, study and fun. Now, though, you're about to walk out of those iron gates and ㄒ what? You're headed into the most challenging labor market of the last 80 years.

你們在人生路途上不斷忙碌、學習和享樂。但是，現在你們即將邁出那些鐵門而且...什麼？進入過去80年來最艱難的勞動力市場？

Because you're driven and have been told over and over in speeches like this one to follow your passion, you're going to write eye-catching job query letters and send them with bulging resumes to the heads of Greenpeace, the Aspen Music Festival, ESPN, the Clinton Global Initiative, 'The Colbert Report' and Tesla Motors.

你們動力十足。而且與這次一樣的演講一次又一次地告訴你們要遵從自己的熱情，所以你們會寫些吸引眼球的求職信，把它連同厚厚的簡歷一起發給“綠色和平”組織(Greenpeace)、阿斯本音樂節(Aspen Music Festival)、娛樂與體育節目電視網(ESPN)、“克林頓全球倡議”(Clinton Global Initiative)、《扣扣熊播報》(The Colbert Report)以及特斯拉汽車(Tesla Motors)的主管。

That will take three days. Then you're going to have months and possibly years of free time ahead of you. Free time that you won't know how to fill, because you've never really had any before.

這一過程會耗費三天時間。接下來你們會有幾個月甚至可能是幾年的空閒時間。你們都不知道如何填補這些時間，因爲你們以前從來沒有過。

Here's where I'd like to give you some concrete suggestions. One: Write a movie or graphic novel (six months, minimum) and then put it on Kickstarter, asking for $25, 000 to put it into production. That will give you another t30 days to track the progress of your contributions from friends and relatives, who secretly hope your goal won't be reached so they won't have to fork over the money, read your book or see your film.

在這裏我想給你們提一些具體的建議。首先，寫部電影或漫畫小說（最少六個月時間），然後把它放到創意項目募資網站Kickstarter上，號召大家捐資25,000美元將其拍出來。你將獲得另外30天時間來跟蹤朋友和親戚的捐資進度，他們私下都希望你不能達成目標，這樣一來他們就不必出錢、看你寫的書或是看你創作的電影。

Idea two: On the social media app Foursquare, a person who spends the most time in a venue becomes its 'mayor.' Achieve this distinction at your local Starbucks, beating out the guy who's constantly on his cellphone trying to sell medical office furniture and the woman in the corner who makes doll house furniture out of wooden coffee stirrers.

第二個主意：在社交媒體應用程序Foursquare上，在某個地方呆的時間最長的人會成爲它的“市長”。在你們當地的星巴克(Starbucks)獲得這一殊榮，擊敗那個不停地打手機試圖賣出醫護辦公室傢俱的傢伙，以及坐在角落裏用木製咖啡攪拌棒搭玩具屋的那個女人。

Idea three: Constantly monitor news sites for breaking stories and then try to be the first to tweet an edgy joke about what's happening. Speed is of the essence here, because within minutes others will carpet bomb the same territory with comedy, but if you're first out of the gate, you'll get the retweets. This won't land you a job or get you paid, but you can't underestimate bragging rights at friends' engagement parties.

第三個主意：不斷監控突發新聞網站，然後儘量第一個用“推特”發送一條有關所發生之事的新鮮趣事。速度是重中之重，因爲幾分鐘之內同一件事情就會被其他人用有趣的方式地毯式轟炸。不過如果你是第一個發消息的人，你會得到別人的轉發。這不會幫你搞定一份工作，也不會讓你得到報酬，但你不可小視在朋友訂婚派對上的誇耀資本。

A final idea is to go to the least expensive graduate school you can find and just hunker down. You'll want to look as young as possible when actual good jobs come in three to seven years and you're competing against new grads, so try not to get any wrinkles stay out of the sun and don't smoke or react facially to anything, even if the Cubs win the World Series or if they find out that Amelia Earhart ate her navigator Fred Noonan.

最後一個主意是去讀一所你能找到的最便宜的研究生院，然後收斂自己。等到三至七年後有真正的好工作來到面前，你要與應屆畢業生競爭。你當然希望自己看上去儘可能年輕，因此你要儘量避免長出皺紋，不要曬太陽、不要抽菸，也不要對任何事情有面部反應，即使是小熊隊(Cubs)贏了世界職業棒球大賽(World Series)，或是人們發現阿梅莉亞·埃爾哈特(Amelia Earhart)吃掉了她的導航員弗雷德·努南(Fred Noonan)，你也別有所反應。

I know that I haven't given you the keys to happiness in this speech today, but what more can you expect from someone who's just lost his B.A.? I believe that because most commencement speakers have been so successful, they think they can identify the ingredients that led them to success. But they tend to discount the major role that simple good fortune and timing played in their prosperity. So I advise you to ignore all the cliches of the typical commencement speech and do what your generation does best: get lucky.

我知道我在今天的這次演講中並未給你們帶來通往幸福的訣竅，但是你對一個剛剛丟掉學士學位的人還能有更多期盼嗎？我認爲由於大多數畢業典禮的演講者都非常成功，所以他們能確認引領他們走向成功的因素。然而，他們往往會低估簡單的好運和時機在他們的成功中所起到的重大作用，所以我建議你們不要理會典型的畢業典禮演講中的那些陳詞濫調，做你們這一代最擅長的事情──獲得好運。