《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 90 (215):老氣離過婚
Am I young and beautiful?
我果真年輕又美麗？
I thought I was old and divorced.
我以爲自己又老氣又是離過婚的女人。
I can barely sleep at all this night, so unaccustomed to these odd hours, the dance music still thrumming in my head, my hair smelling of cigarettes, my stomach protesting the alcohol. I doze a bit, then wake as the sun comes up, just as I am accustomed to. Only this morning I am not rested and I am not at peace and I'm in no condition whatsoever for meditation. Why am I so agitated? I had a nice night, didn't I? I got to meet some interesting people, got to dress up and dance around, had flirted with some men . . . MEN.
當晚我幾乎無法入睡，還不習慣這通宵達旦的時辰，舞曲仍在我腦袋裏迴響，我的頭髮有煙味，腸胃對酒精表示抗議。我打了個盹，在太陽升起時起身，如同平日的習慣。只不過今早並未得到休息，也不覺得平靜，也沒有資格禪坐。我爲何如此焦躁？昨夜我過得很不錯，不是嗎？我認識有趣的人，盛裝出門，跳舞，和一些男人調情……男人。
The agitation gets more jagged at the thought of that word, turning into a minor panic as-sailment. I don't know how to do this anymore. I used to be the biggest and boldest and most shameless of flirts when I was in my teens and twenties. I seem to remember that it was once fun, meeting some guy, spooling him in toward me, spooning out the veiled invitations and the provocations, casting all caution aside and letting the consequences spill how they will.
想到這詞兒，使我愈發焦躁，變成一種驚惶失措的煩憂。我再也不知道該怎麼做這件事了。我在十幾、二十歲的時候曾經是最大膽無恥的調情者。我猶記得自己曾經覺得這件事很有趣：遇上某個傢伙，釣住他，提出模棱兩可的邀請與挑逗，無視於任何告誡，任憑後果自行發展。
But now I am feeling only panic and uncertainty. I start blowing the whole evening up into something much huger than it was, imagining myself getting involved with this Welsh guy who hadn't even given me an e-mail address. I can see all the way into our future already, includ-ing the arguments over his smoking habit. I wonder if giving myself to a man again will ruin my journey/writing/life, etc. On the other hand—some romance would be nice. It's been a long, dry time. (I remember Richard from Texas advising me at one point, vis-à-vis my love life, "You need a droughtbreaker, baby. Gotta go find yo'self a rainmaker.") Then I imagine Ian zooming over on his motorbike with his handsome bomb-squad torso to make love to me in my garden, and how nice that would be. This not-entirely-unpleasant thought somehow screeches me, however, into a horrible skid about how I just don't want to go through any heartache again. Then I start to miss David more than I have in months, thinking, Maybe I should call him and see if he wants to try getting together again . . . (Then I receive a very accurate channeling of my old friend Richard, saying, Oh, that's genius, Groceries—didja get a lobotomy last night, in addition to gettin' a little tipsy?) It's never a far leap from ruminating about David to obsessing about the circumstances of my divorce, and so soon I start brooding (just like old times) about my ex-husband, my divorce . . .
然而現在的我只覺得遲疑、恐慌。我開始檢視這一整夜，想象自己和那個甚至沒給我電子郵件地址的威爾士傢伙扯上關係，我已一路看見我們的未來，包括爭論他的抽菸習慣。我懷疑如果再把自己獻給一名男人，將會摧毀我的旅行、寫作、生活，等等。另一方面——其實偶爾談情說愛也沒什麼不好。尤其在經過一段長時間的乾旱時期之後（我記得德州理查有回對我的愛情生活提出告誡："你需要一位"紓解乾旱者"，姑娘。你得爲你自己找個"造雨人"。"）然後我想象身材英挺的伊恩騎着他的摩托車過來，和我在我的庭園裏做愛，多麼美好。這個不算討厭的主意不知怎地讓我緊踩煞車，我不想再走一遍心碎歷程。然後我開始強烈思念起大衛，心想，"或許我該打電話給他，問他是否想再一次嘗試重聚"……（而後我接收到老朋友查理的精確電波，說："喔，真天才啊，食品雜貨——昨晚除了有點喝醉，是否還動了腦手術？"）思索過大衛之後，總逃不掉沉緬於離婚的種種，隨即開始沉思（一如往昔）前夫、自己的離婚……
I thought we were done with this topic, Groceries.
"我以爲這話題我們老早解決了，食品雜貨。"
And then I start thinking about Felipe, for some reason—that handsome older Brazilian man. He's nice. Felipe. He says I am young and beautiful and that I will have a wonderful time here time in Bali. He's right, right? I should relax and have some fun, right? But this morning it doesn't feel fun.
而後，出於某種原因，我開始思索老巴西美男子斐利貝。他很不錯。這個斐利貝，他說我年輕又美麗，說我會在巴厘島度過愉快的時光。他說得沒錯，對吧？我會過得輕鬆而開心，對吧？但今早我可不覺得開心。
I don't know how to do this anymore. Eat, Pray, Love
我已不知如何過這種日子。
