《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 106 (257):說謊
He kisses my head. "Then you can't live in Bali, darling."
The next morning, I hatch my plan. I can't believe it—here I am, after a year of studying virtues and struggling to find an honest life for myself, about to spin a big fat lie. I'm about to lie to my favorite person in Bali, to someone who is like a sister to me, someone who has cleaned my kidneys. For heaven's sake, I'm going to lie to Tutti's mommy!
I walk into town, into Wayan's shop. Wayan goes to hug me. I pull away, pretending to be upset.
"Wayan," I say. "We need to talk. I have a serious problem." "With Felipe?"
"No. With you."
She looks like she's going to faint.
"Wayan," I say. "My friends in America are very angry with you."
"With me? Why, honey?"
"Because four months ago, they gave you a lot of money to buy a home, and you did not buy a home yet. Every day, they send me e-mails, asking me, ‘Where is Wayan's house? Where is my money?' Now they think you are stealing their money, using it for something else."
"I'm not stealing!"
"Wayan," I say. "My friends in America think you are . . . a bullshit."
She gasps as if she's been punched in the windpipe. She looks so wounded, I waver for a moment and almost grab her in a reassuring hug and say, "No, no, it's not true! I'm making this up!" But, no, I have to finish this. But, Lord, she is clearly staggered now. Bullshit is a word that has been more emotionally incorporated into Balinese than almost any other in the English language. It's one of the very worst things you can call someone in Bali—"a bullshit." In this culture, where people bullshit each other a dozen times before breakfast, where bullshitting is a sport, an art, a habit, and a desperate survival tactic, to actually call someone out on their bullshit is an appalling statement. It's something that would have, in old Europe, guaranteed you a duel.
"Honey," she said, eyes tearing. "I am not a bullshit!"
"I know that, Wayan. This is why I'm so upset. I try to tell my friends in America that Wayan is not a bullshit, but they don't believe me."
She lays her hand on mine. "I'm sorry to put you in a pickle, honey."
"Wayan, this is a very big pickle. My friends are angry. They say that you must buy some land before I come back to America. They told me that if you don't buy some land in the next week, then I must . . . take the money back."
他親吻我的頭。"那你不能在巴厘島生活，甜心。"
隔天早上，我想好計劃。我真不敢相信——一整年學習美德、努力爲自己追求誠實的生活之後，我即將吐出一個天大的謊言。我即將跟我在巴厘島最喜愛的人撒謊，而她就像我的姐妹，還曾經爲我清洗腎臟。老天，我將要對圖蒂的媽咪撒謊！
我走去鎮上，走進大姐的店。大姐前來擁抱我。我挪開身子，假裝煩惱。
"大姐，"我說，"我們得談談。我出了嚴重問題。"和斐利貝之間？"
"不是，是和你之間。"
她看起來像要暈倒。
"大姐，"我說，"我在美國的朋友們非常氣你。
"氣我？爲什麼，親愛的？"
"因爲四個月前，他們給你一大筆錢買房，你卻還沒有買。他們每天寄電子郵件給我，問我："大姐的房子怎麼了？我的錢呢？"他們現在認爲你偷他們的錢用做別的用途。"
"我沒偷錢！"
"大姐，"我說，"我在美國的朋友認爲你在……扯屁。"
她倒抽一口氣，彷彿氣管捱了揍。她看起來非常受傷，我遲疑片刻，幾乎想摟住她，安慰她說："不，不，這不是真話！都是我捏造的！"但是不行，我得演完。但是老天，她現在顯得十分震驚。大概沒有哪個英語用詞比"扯屁"在感情上更融入巴釐語當中。在巴厘島說某人"扯屁"是一件很壞的事。在這個社會，早餐前大家都對彼此扯好幾十次屁，扯屁在這兒被視爲娛樂、藝術、極端的生存法則，然而指出某人在扯屁卻是一種駭人的表達方式。在古歐洲包管會挑起一場決鬥。
"親愛的，"她淚水汪汪地說，"我沒扯屁！"
"這我知道，大姐。所以我才這麼煩惱。我想告訴美國的朋友，大姐不是扯屁的人，但他們不相信我。"
她將手放在我手上。"我很抱歉讓你爲難，親愛的。"
"這真的很爲難。我的朋友們非常生氣。他們說你必須在我回美國之前把地買成。他們說，如果下禮拜你不買地，我就得……把錢取回來。"
