《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 104 (250):親愛的願你一路縱容我
I was immediately ashamed of myself for my vanity, for having assumed that he wanted me to stay with him forever so that he could indulge my whims till the end of time. "I'm sorry," I said. "That was a little arrogant, wasn't it?"
"A little," he acknowledged, then kissed my ear. "But not so much, really. Darling, of course it's something we have to discuss because here's the truth—I'm wildly in love with you." I blanched in reflex, and he made a quick joke, trying to be reassuring: "I mean that in a completely hypothetical way, of course." But then he said in all seriousness, "Look, I'm fifty-two years old. Believe me, I already know how the world works. I recognize that you don't love me yet the way I love you, but the truth is that I don't really care. For some reason, I feel the same way about you that I felt about my kids when they were small—that it wasn't their job to love me, it was my job to love them. You can decide to feel however you want to, but I love you and I will always love you. Even if we never see each other again, you already brought me back to life, and that's a lot. And of course, I'd like to share my life with you. The only problem is, I'm not sure how much of a life I can offer you in Bali."
This is a concern I've had, too. I've been watching the expatriate society in Ubud, and I know for a stone-cold fact this is not the life for me. Everywhere in this town you see the same kind of character—Westerners who have been so ill-treated and badly worn by life that they've dropped the whole struggle and decided to camp out here in Bali indefinitely, where they can live in a gorgeous house for $200 a month, perhaps taking a young Balinese man or woman as a companion, where they can drink before noon without getting any static about it, where they can make a bit of money exporting a bit of furniture for somebody. But generally, all they are doing here is seeing to it that nothing serious will ever be asked of them again. These are not bums, mind you. This is a very high grade of people, multinational, talented and clever. But it seems to me that everyone I meet here used to be something once (generally "married" or "employed"); now they are all united by the absence of the one thing they seem to have surrendered completely and forever: ambition. Needless to say, there's a lot of drinking.
Of course, the precious Balinese town of Ubud is not such a bad place to putter away your life, ignoring the passing of the days. I suppose in that way it's similar to places like Key West, Florida, or Oaxaca, Mexico. Most expats in Ubud, when you ask them how long they've lived here, aren't really sure. For one thing, they aren't really sure how much time has passed since they moved to Bali. But for another thing, it's like they aren't really sure if they do live here. They belong to nowhere, unanchored. Some of them like to imagine that they're just hanging out for a while, just running the engine on idle at the traffic light, waiting for the signal to change. But after seventeen years of that you start to wonder . . . does anybody ever leave?
There is much to enjoy in their lazy company, in these long Sunday afternoons spent at brunch, drinking champagne and talking about nothing. Still, when I am around this scene, I feel somewhat like Dorothy in the poppy fields of Oz. Be careful! Don't fall asleep in this narcotic meadow, or you could doze away the rest of your life here!
So what will become of me and Felipe? Now that there is, it seems, a "me and Felipe"? He told me not long ago, "Sometimes I wish you were a lost little girl and I could scoop you up and say, ‘Come and live with me now, let me take care of you forever.' But you aren't a lost little girl. You're a woman with a career, with ambition. You are a perfect snail: you carry your home on your back. You should hold on to that freedom for as long as possible. But all I'm saying is this—if you want this Brazilian man, you can have him. I'm yours already."
我立即對自己的自負感到羞愧，竟認定他要我永遠跟他在一起，讓他能夠一路縱容我，直到時間盡頭。"對不起，"我說，"這有點傲慢，對吧？"
"是有一點，"他認同，然後親吻我的耳朵，"但不很嚴重，真的。甜心，這事我們當然得討論，因爲事實上——我愛你愛得瘋狂。"我反射性地臉色煞白，他於是即時開玩笑，嘗試消除我的疑慮："當然，這完全是假設性的說法。"接着他鄭重地說："瞧我都五十二歲的人了。相信我，我老早知道世界如何運作。我看得出你還不像我愛你那樣愛我，但事實上，我並不在乎。出於某種原因，我對你的感覺就像我在我的孩子們還小的時候對他們的感覺——他們沒有愛我的責任，但我有責任愛他們。你能決定自己想要的感覺，但是我愛你，也將永遠愛你。即使我們彼此不再見面，你也已經讓我復活，這就夠了。當然，我很想和你共享生活。唯一的問題是，我不確定我在巴厘島能提供你多少生活。"
這也是我考量過的事。我觀察過烏布鎮的海外人士社交圈，十分肯定那不是適合我的生活。這鎮上到處看得見同一種角色——慘遭生活凌虐、磨損的西方人，他們丟下所有的掙扎，決定永久放逐巴厘島；他們只需花兩百塊月租即可居於華屋，也許找個巴釐男人或女人做伴，午前喝酒也不會遭人責難，出口一些傢俱給某人來賺點錢。但大致說來，他們在這兒做的，是留意自己不再被要求做任何嚴肅的事情。請注意，這些人可不是廢物。這些人是層次很高、包含多種國籍、有才華的聰明人。可是在我看來，我在此地遇見的每一人從前似乎都具有某種角色（通常是"已婚者"或"受僱者"）；如今，他們都共同缺乏似乎已被自己永遠放棄的一樣東西"志氣"。不用說也知道，喝不少酒。
當然，這個巴厘島的美麗小鎮烏布是悠閒度日、無視於時光流逝的好地方。我想這點很類似佛羅里達的西嶼（KeyWest）或墨西哥的瓦哈卡（Oaxaca）。烏布鎮的多數海外人士，當你問他們在此居住多久時間，回答都不是很確定。一方面，他們不很確定打從移居巴厘島後經過多少年頭；另一方面，他們不很確定自己確實居住此地。他們無所歸屬，漂流不定。有些人喜歡想象自己只是在此地晃盪一陣子，就像在紅綠燈前任引擎空轉，等待信號燈變換一樣。然而十七年過去了，你開始想……到底有沒有人離開過？
在週日下午那些漫長的午餐時光，有他們的悠閒陪伴，喝香檳、言不及意，着實是一番享受。然而身臨其境的我，多少覺得自己像《綠野仙蹤》當中身處罌粟花叢的桃樂絲。"小心！別在這片讓人昏睡的草地上睡着，否則你將昏昏沉沉度過一生！"
那往後我和斐利貝將會如何？既然"我和斐利貝"如今似乎已經成爲一體的話。前不久他告訴我："有時候我希望你是迷失的小女孩，能讓我把你撈起來，跟你說："來和我住吧，讓我照顧你一輩子。"但你並不是迷失的小女孩。你是有遠大志向的職業女性。你是完美的蝸牛：你把自己的家背在背上。你應該永久抓住這種自由。但我只想說——倘若你想要這個巴西男人，你可以擁有他。我已經是你的人。
