《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 18 (35):做自己的朋友大綱
After a moment, still breathing heavily, I felt a clear pinpoint of light ignite within me, and then I found myself writing this amused and ever-calm reply:
過了一會兒，依然喘着大氣的我，感覺有個清晰的光點在我內心燃起，而後我發現自己寫下這句 頑皮而平靜的回答：
Who are you talking to, then?
那麼你在跟誰講話？
I haven't doubted its existence again since. So tonight I reach for that voice again. This is the first time I've done this since I came to Italy. What I write in my journal tonight is that I am weak and full of fear. I explain that Depression and Loneliness have shown up, and I'm scared they will never leave. I say that I don't want to take the drugs anymore, but I'm frightened I will have to. I'm terrified that I will never really pull my life together.
從此我不再懷疑它的存在。因此今晚我再次聯繫這個聲音。這是我來意大利之後頭一次做這件事。 我在日記裏說我感到軟弱，充滿恐懼。我說“抑鬱”和“寂寞”跑來了，我害怕它們永遠不會離開。我說不想再吃藥，卻害怕非吃不可。我擔心自己永遠無法振作起來。
In response, somewhere from within me, rises a now-familiar presence, offering me all the certainties I have always wished another person would say to me when I was troubled. This is what I find myself writing to myself on the page:
某種現已十分熟悉的存在降臨在我內心某處，做出迴應，給我肯定；在我遇上麻煩時，一直希望另一個人能告訴我一切。我在紙上寫給自己這段話：
I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don't need the medication, I will love you, too. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.
我在這裏。我愛你。我不管你是否必須徹夜哭泣，我會跟你待在一起。你若需要再度服藥，就服吧——我還是一樣愛你。你若不需要藥物，我也會愛你。無論你做什麼，都不會失去我的愛。我會保護你，至死不渝，在你死後，我仍會保護你。我比抑鬱強大，比寂寞勇敢，沒有任何事能讓我筋疲力竭。
Tonight, this strange interior gesture of friendship—the lending of a hand from me to myself when nobody else is around to offer solace—reminds me of something that happened to me once in New York City. I walked into an office building one afternoon in hurry, dashed into the waiting elevator. As I rushed in, I caught an unexpected glimpse of myself in a security mirror's reflection. In that moment my brain did an odd thing—it fired off this split-second message: "Hey! You know her! That's a friend of yours!" And I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar. In a flash instant, of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works. But for some reason that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness in Rome, and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page:
今晚，內心裏這個奇特的友善姿態——當身邊沒有人提供安慰時，我向自己伸出援手——使我回想起有回在紐約發生的事。某天下午，我匆匆走進一棟辦公大樓，奔向等着的電梯。我跑進去的當兒，出奇不意地在安全鏡裏瞥見自己的倒影。我的腦子在那一刻做了件古怪的事，瞬間發射出以下這則信息：“嗨，你認識她啊！那是你的朋友啊！”而我竟然朝自己的倒影跑上前去，面帶微笑，準備歡迎這個我忘了姓名、臉孔卻很熟悉的女孩。當然，轉瞬間，我意識到自己的錯誤，爲自己像狗一樣對鏡子瞧感到困惑，尷尬地笑了起來。但由於某種原因，今晚在羅馬，在我哀傷之時，這件插曲再度涌入我的腦際，於是我在頁底寫下這段勉勵的句子：
Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.
永遠別忘記很久以前，在一個沒有防備的時刻，你曾把自己看成朋友。
I fall asleep holding my notebook pressed against my chest, open to this most recent assurance. In the morning when I wake up, I can still smell a faint trace of Depression's lingering smoke, but he himself is nowhere to be seen. Somewhere during the night, he got up and left. And his buddy Loneliness beat it, , Pray, Love
我接受這最新的鼓勵，拿着筆記本按在胸口睡着了。早晨醒來時，我還依稀聞得到“抑鬱”留下的煙霧，但他本人已不見蹤影。他在夜間起身離開了。他的夥伴“寂寞”也滾蛋了。
