《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 9 (17):寫給神的請願書大綱

The spring of 2003 brought things to a boiling point. A year and a half after I'd left, my husband was finally ready to discuss terms of a settlement. Yes, he wanted cash and the house and the lease on the Manhattan apartment—everything I'd been offering the whole while. But he was also asking for things I'd never even considered (a stake in the royalties of books I'd written during the marriage, a cut of possible future movie rights to my work, a share of my retirement accounts, etc.) and here I had to voice my protest at last. Months of negotiations ensued between our lawyers, a compromise of sorts inched its way toward the table and it was starting to look like my husband might actually accept a modified deal. It would cost me dearly, but a fight in the courts would be infinitely more expensive and time-consuming, not to mention soul-corroding. If he signed the agreement, all I had to do was pay and walk away. Which would be fine with me at this point. Our relationship now thoroughly ruined, with even civility destroyed between us, all I wanted anymore was the door.

2003 年春天，事情來到決定性的時刻。在我離開後的一年半，我先生終於準備討論和解條件。是的，他要現金、房子和曼哈頓的租約——我在整段溝通期間提出的所有東西。但他還要求我從未考慮過的東西（我在結婚期間寫作的書的部分版稅，我的作品未來可能改編成電影的部分版稅，我一部分的退休基金，等等），使我終於不得不提出抗議。我們彼此的律師進行了數個月的談判，某種妥協緩緩地浮上臺面，我先生看來可能會接受經過修正的協議。我將付出高昂的代價，但是打官司肯定更花錢、更花時間，更甭說腐蝕靈魂。如果他簽了協定，我只須付錢走人。現在對我來說並無不可。我們的關係如今已徹底摧毀，甚至已撕破臉，我只想奪門。

The question was—would he sign? More weeks passed as he contested more details. If he didn't agree to this settlement, we'd have to go to trial. A trial would almost certainly mean that every remaining dime would be lost in legal fees. Worst of all, a trial would mean another year—at least—of all this mess. So whatever my husband decided (and he still was my husband, after all), it was going to determine yet another year of my life. Would I be traveling all alone through Italy, India and Indonesia? Or would I be getting cross-examined somewhere in a courtroom basement during a deposition hearing?

而問題是——他會不會簽字？他對更多的細節提出異議，於是幾個月又過去了。如果他不同意和解，我們就得上法庭。上法庭幾乎等於把每一分錢都浪費在訴訟費上；更糟的是，這意指我將又要有至少一年以上的時間一塌糊塗。因此我另一年的人生，都將取決於我先生做的決定（當時他畢竟還是我的丈夫）。到底我是會獨自去意大利、印度和印尼旅行，或是在預審期間待在法院的地下室裏接受盤問呢？

Every day I called my lawyer fourteen times—any news?—and every day she assured me that she was doing her best, that she would telephone immediately if the deal was signed. The nervousness I felt during this time was something between waiting to be called into the principal's office and anticipating the results of a biopsy. I'd love to report that I stayed calm and Zen, but I didn't. Several nights, in waves of anger, I beat the life out of my couch with a softball bat. Most of the time I was just achingly depressed.

我每天打十四通電話給我的律師——“有沒有任何消息？”——每天她都向我保證她會盡力而爲， 如果對方簽了協議，她會馬上打電話。這段期間我所感受到的緊張，就像介於等着被叫進校長辦公室與等待組織切片檢查結果之間。我很想保持鎮靜，如入禪修之境，但我並未做到。有幾個晚上，我在憤怒當中拿着壘球棒猛捶沙發。而大多數時候，我只是萬分消極。

Meanwhile, David and I had broken up again. This time, it seemed, for good. Or maybe not—we couldn't totally let go of it. Often I was still overcome with a desire to sacrifice everything for the love of him. Other times, I had the quite opposite instinct—to put as many continents and oceans as possible between me and this guy, in the hope of finding peace and happiness.

同時，大衛和我又一次分手。這回似乎是徹底結束。或者不然——我們沒辦法完全放下。我依然經常有股慾望，想犧牲一切去愛他。有時，我的直覺卻恰恰相反——得與這男人之間保持十萬八千里的距離，只希望找到安祥與快樂。

I had lines in my face now, permanent incisions dug between my eyebrows, from crying and from worry.

如今我的臉上出現了皺紋，哭泣與煩惱在我的眉心刻下了永久的切口。

And in the middle of all that, a book that I'd written a few years earlier was being published in paperback and I had to go on a small publicity tour. I took my friend Iva with me for company. Iva is my age but grew up in Beirut, Lebanon. Which means that, while I was playing sports and auditioning for musicals in a Connecticut middle school, she was cowering in a bomb shelter five nights out of seven, trying not to die. I'm not sure how all this early exposure to violence created somebody who's so steady now, but Iva is one of the calmest souls I know. Moreover, she's got what I call "The Bat Phone to the Universe," some kind of Iva-only, open-round-the-clock special channel to the divine.

而在這些事情當中，我幾年前寫的一本書以平裝本出版，我必須進行巡迴宣傳。我的朋友伊娃伴我同行。伊娃跟我年紀相當，卻是在黎巴嫩的貝魯特長大的 。也就是說，當我在康乃狄克州的中學進行體育活動、參加音樂劇試演的時候，她則一個禮拜有五天晚上躲在防空洞壕裏免於一死。我不曉得早期接觸暴力的經驗，是怎樣塑造出如今這般鎮定的伊娃，但她是我認識的最冷靜的人之一。此外，她擁有我稱之爲“撥往宇宙的手機 ”，某種伊娃專屬、 晝夜不休的特殊通神頻道。

So we were driving across Kansas, and I was in my normal state of sweaty disarray over this divorce deal—will he sign, will he not sign?—and I said to Iva, "I don't think I can endure another year in court. I wish I could get some divine intervention here. I wish I could write a petition to God, asking for this thing to end."

於是我們開車經過堪薩斯，我仍處在對這場離婚協議感到緊張不安的常態之中——“他會不會簽字？”——然後我告訴伊娃 ：“我想我沒辦法再多忍受一年官司。我希望有神力幫助。真想寫一封請願書給神，請他讓這件事有個了結。”

"So why don't you?"

“那爲何不這麼做？”

I explained to Iva my personal opinions about prayer. Namely, that I don't feel comfortable petitioning for specific things from God, because that feels to me like a kind of weakness of faith. I don't like asking, "Will you change this or that thing in my life that's difficult for me?" Because—who knows?—God might want me to be facing that particular challenge for a reason. Instead, I feel more comfortable praying for the courage to face whatever occurs in my life with equanimity, no matter how things turn out.

我向伊娃說明我個人對祈禱的看法。亦即，爲特定的事向神請願，使我覺得彆扭，因爲我感覺這種信仰很軟弱。我不喜歡要求：“能不能請你改變我生活中的困境？ ”因爲——誰知道？——神要我面 對特殊的挑戰，或許有他的理由。我寧可祈禱他給我勇氣，沉着地面對生活中發生的任何事，無論結果如何。

Iva listened politely, then asked, "Where'd you get that stupid idea?"

伊娃客氣地聽着，然後問道：“你這個笨想法是從哪兒來的？”

"What do you mean?"

“怎麼說 ？”

"Where did you get the idea you aren't allowed to petition the universe with prayer? You are part of this universe, Liz. You're a constituent—you have every entitlement to participate in the actions of the universe, and to let your feelings be known. So put your opinion out there. Make your case. Believe me—it will at least be taken into consideration."

“你怎麼會覺得你不該用祈禱向宇宙請願？你是宇宙的“一部分”，小莉。你是當中的成員——你有權參與宇宙的行動，吐露你的感覺。所以，把你的想法放到一邊去吧。提出你的論點。相信我 —— 至少它會被列入考慮。”

"Really?" All this was news to me.

“真的？”這可是我頭一遭聽說。

"Really! Listen—if you were to write a petition to God right now, what would it say?"

“真的！聽着——如果此時此刻向神請願，你會怎麼說？”