《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 60 (130):查理與前妻
Richard from Texas was married once, too. He had two sons, both of whom are grown men now, both close to their dad. Sometimes Richard mentions his ex-wife in some anecdote or other, and he always seems to speak of her with fondness. I get a bit envious whenever I hear this, imagining how lucky Richard is to still be friends with his former spouse, even after separating. This is an odd side effect of my terrible divorce; whenever I hear of couples split-ting amicably, I get jealous. It's worse than that—I've actually come to think that it's really ro-mantic when a marriage ends civilly. Like, "Aw . . . how sweet . . . they must've really loved each other . . ."
德州理查從前也結過婚。他有兩個兒子，如今已長大成人，跟他們的父親都很親近。有時候，理查在某段故事裏提起前妻，說到她的時候，似乎總是充滿懷念。聽他這樣講，我有些羨慕，心想盡管已分手，理查仍能與前妻爲友真是幸運。這是我的可怕離婚所產生的奇怪影響；每逢聽見夫妻和平分手，就讓我心生嫉妒。更糟的是，我現在簡直認爲和和氣氣結束婚姻真是浪漫，像是：“噢……真好……他們肯定深愛過對方。”So I asked Richard one day about it. I said, "It seems like you have fond feelings toward your ex-wife. Are you two still close?"
於是有一天我問了理查。我說：“你似乎很懷念前妻。你們倆是否還很親近？”"Nah," he said casually. "She thinks I changed my name to Motherfucker."
“纔不，”他漫不經心地說，“她認爲我已經改了名，叫作死渾球。”
Richard's lack of concern about this impressed me. My own ex-spouse happens to think I changed my name too, and it breaks my heart. One of the hardest things about this divorce was the fact that my ex-husband never forgave me for leaving, that it didn't matter how many bushels of apologies or explanations I laid at his feet, how much blame I assumed, or how many assets or acts of contrition I was willing to offer him in exchange for departing—he cer-tainly was never going to congratulate me and say, "Hey, I was so impressed with your gener-osity and honesty and I just want to tell you it's been a great pleasure being divorced by you." No. I was unredeemable. And this unredeemed dark hole was still inside me. Even in mo-ments of happiness and excitement (especially in moments of happiness and excitement) I could never forget it for long. I am still hated by him. And that felt like it would never change, never release.
理查的淡漠讓我刮目相看。我的前夫正巧也認爲我改了名，使我心碎。這場離婚最令人難過的是，我的前夫未曾原諒我的離去，無論我把多少道歉和解釋獻在他的腳跟前，無論我承擔多少譴責，無論我願意給他多少資產、表現出多少悔恨，作爲放我走的條件——他永遠也不可能祝賀我，說：“嘿，你的慷慨與誠實打動了我，我只想告訴你，你提出離婚真是我的榮幸。”不。我不可救藥。而這無可挽回的黑洞依然深藏我心，即使在快樂興奮的時刻（尤其在快樂興奮的時刻），過沒多久我就會想起：“他還在恨我。”感覺永遠如此，永不得解脫。I was talking about all this one day with my friends at the Ashram—the newest member of whom is a plumber from New Zealand, a guy I'd met because he'd heard I was a writer and he sought me out to tell me that he was one, too. He's a poet who had recently published a terrific memoir in New Zealand called A Plumber's Progress about his own spiritual journey. The plumber/poet from New Zealand, Richard from Texas, the Irish dairy farmer, Tulsi the In-dian teenage tomboy and Vivian, an older woman with wispy white hair and incandescently humorous eyes (who used to be a nun in South Africa)—this was my circle of close friends here, a most vibrant crowd of characters whom I never would have expected to meet at an Ashram in India.
有一天我跟道場裏的朋友們說起這一切，這羣朋友的最新成員是位來自新西蘭的水管工，因爲他聽說我是作家，於是找到我，說他也是作家，於是我認識了他。他是個詩人，最近在新西蘭出版了一本絕妙的傳記《水管工的歷程》（APlumber，描述自己的心靈之旅。新西蘭詩人／水管工、德州理查、愛爾蘭酪農、印度野丫頭圖絲和一位白髮稀疏、眼神幽默的年長婦女薇薇安（從前在南非當修女）——是我在這裏的好友圈，一羣充滿活力的人物，我從沒預期會在印度道場遇見這些人。
