《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 100 (243):治療不孕

Which made us all laugh because Ubud is full of these young guys, these "drivers," who sit on every corner and harass passing tourists with the never-ending sales pitch, "Transport? Transport?" trying to make a buck driving folks out of town to the volcanoes, the beaches or the temples. Generally speaking, this is a fairly good-looking crowd, what with their fine Gauguin skin, toned bodies and groovy long hair. You could make a nice bit of money in America operating a "fertility clinic" for women, staffed with beautiful guys like this. Wayan says the best thing about her infertility treatment is that the drivers generally don't even ask any payment for their sexual transport services, especially if the wife is really cute. Felipe and I agree that this is quite generous and community-spirited of the fellows. Nine months later a beautiful baby is born. And everyone is happy. Best of all: "No need to cancel the marriage." And we all know how horrible it is to cancel a marriage, especially in Bali.

Felipe said, "My God—what suckers we men are."

But Wayan is unapologetic. This treatment is only necessary because it's not possible to tell a Balinese man that he is infertile without risking that he will go home and do something terrible to his wife. If men in Bali weren't like this, she could cure their infertility in other ways. But this is the reality of the culture, so there it is. She doesn't have the tiniest shred of bad conscience about it but thinks it's just another way of being a creative healer. Anyway, she adds, it's sometimes nice for the wife to make sex with one of those cool drivers, because most husbands in Bali don't know how to make love to a woman, anyway.

"Most husbands, it's like roosters, like goats."

I suggested, "Maybe you should teach sex education class, Wayan. You could teach men how to touch women in a soft way, then maybe their wives would like sex more. Because if a man really touches you gently, caresses your skin, says loving things, kisses you all over your body, takes his time . . . sex can be nice."

Suddenly she blushed. Wayan Nuriyasih, this banana -massaging, blad-der-infection-treating, dildo-peddling, small-time-pimp, actually blushed.

"You make me feel funny when you talk like that," she said, fanning herself. "This talking, it makes me feel . . . different. Even in my underpants I feel different! Go home now, you both. No more talk like this about sex. Go home, go to bed, but only sleeping, OK? Only SLEEP-ING!" Eat, Pray, Love

我們全笑了，因爲烏布鎮處處看得見這些年輕人，這些坐在每個街角的"司機"，騷擾路過的遊客，不斷叫嚷："搭車？搭車？"希望載人出城遊覽火山、海邊或寺廟，以賺點小錢。大致說來，這羣人相貌堂堂，膚色有如高更畫中的人物，身材健美，蓄時髦的長髮。在美國爲女人開一間"精子診所"，僱用這類美男子，絕對可以讓你大賺一筆。大姐說她的不孕治療最妙的是，一般來說，這些司機爲自己提供的性傳送服務甚至不求報償，尤其倘若看診的妻子長相漂亮的話。斐利貝和我同意這些男人相當慷慨且極具社區精神。九個月後，漂亮的孩子出生了。人人都很高興。最美好的是"沒有必要取消婚姻"。我們都曉得取消婚姻在巴厘島是多麼可怕的事情。

斐利貝說："老天——我們男人真是壞蛋。"

大姐理直氣壯。這項治療之所以有必要，是因爲對一個巴厘島男人說他不孕，他回家的時候免不了要對妻子做出可怕的事。倘若巴釐男人不像這樣，她大可用其他方式治療不孕。但這是文化現實產生的結果。她對此毫不心虛，而認爲這只不過是另一種創意療法。她又說，無論如何，讓妻子和很酷的司機做愛有時候不失爲好事，因爲巴厘島的多數老公都不知道如何和女人做愛。

"多數老公都像公雞，像山羊。"

我提議："大姐，或許你該開設性教育課程。你該教導男人如何溫柔撫摸女人，那麼也許他們的老婆會更喜歡性愛。因爲男人如果溫柔撫摸你，觸摸你的肌膚，說甜言蜜語，親吻你全身，不慌不忙……性愛可以是美好的事情。"

突然間，她臉紅了。這位按摩香蕉、治療膀胱感染、賣人工生殖器、有時拉皮條的大姐，竟然臉紅了。

"你說這些，讓我覺得彆扭，"她扇扇自己，說，"這些談話，讓我覺得……有異狀，就連內褲裏頭也覺得有異狀！你們兩個回家去吧。別再談這些有關性的事了。回家，上牀去，但睡覺就好，好吧？睡覺就好！"