《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 47 (100):夢魘
Two nights in a row now I've had dreams of a snake entering my room. I've read that this is spiritually auspicious (and not just in Eastern religions; Saint Ignatius had serpent visions all throughout his mystical experiences), but it doesn't make the snakes any less vivid or scary. I've been waking up sweating. Even worse, once I am awake, my mind has been two-timing me again, betraying me into a state of panic like I haven't felt since the worst of the divorce years. My thoughts keep flying back to my failed marriage, and to all the attendant shame and anger of that event. Worse, I'm again dwelling on David. I'm arguing with him in my mind, I'm mad and lonely and remembering every hurtful thing he ever said or did to me. Plus I can't stop thinking about all our happiness together, the thrilling delirium when times were good. It's all I can do not to jump out of this bed and call him from India in the middle of the night and just—I don't know what—just hang up on him, probably. Or beg him to love me again. Or read him such a ferocious indictment on all his character flaws.
連續兩晚，我夢見蛇爬進我的房間。我讀過書上說，這象徵精神上的吉利（不僅東方宗教如此，聖依納［SaintIgnatius］在其神祕體驗過程中，亦曾出現蛇的異象），卻完全沒有減輕蛇的逼真或恐怖。我流着汗驚醒過來。更糟的是，我一醒來，腦子再次背叛我，使我陷入自悲慘的離婚歲月以來最驚惶失措的狀態。我的思維不斷跳回失敗的婚姻以及伴隨而來的羞愧與憤怒。雪上加霜的是，我再度想着大衛。我在腦袋裏與他爭辯，我生氣、寂寞，憶起他傷害過我的話語和作爲。再加上，我忍不住想起我們在一起的幸福日子，那段打得火熱的美好時光。我只能忍着不從牀上跳起來，半夜三更從印度打電話給他，然後或許把電話掛了吧。或者求他再愛我一次。或者對他全部的性格缺陷進行兇狠的指控。Why is all this stuff coming up again now?
這些事情爲什麼現在又浮現出來？I know what they would say, all the old-timers at this Ashram. They would say this is perfectly normal, that everyone goes through this, that intense meditation brings everything up, that you're just clearing out all your residual demons . . . but I'm in such an emotional state I can't stand it and I don't want to hear anyone's hippie theories. I recognize that everything is coming up, thank you very much. Like vomit it's coming up.
我知道這些道場的前輩們會怎麼說。他們會說這一切都很正常，每個人都經歷過這些過程，密集的禪修反映出一切，你只是在清除心中殘留的魔鬼……但我的情緒讓我承受不了，不想聽任何人的嬉皮理論。我明白一切都浮現出來，十分感謝，就像嘔吐的浮現。
Somehow I manage to fall asleep again, lucky me, and I have another dream. No snakes this time, but a rangy, evil dog who chases me and says, "I will kill you. I will kill you and eat you!"
我設法再度睡着，幸運的是我做了另一個夢。這回不是蛇，而是一隻高瘦的惡犬追趕着我，說：“我要咬死你。我要咬死你，把你吃掉！”I wake up crying and shaking. I don't want to disturb my roommates, so I go hide in the bathroom. The bathroom, always the bathroom! Heaven help me, but there I am in a bathroom again, in the middle of the night again, weeping my heart out on the floor in loneliness. Oh, cold world—I have grown so weary of you and all your horrible bathrooms.
我哭着醒來，渾身顫抖。我不想打擾室友們，於是躲進浴室。浴室，老是浴室！老天幫幫忙吧，我又三更半夜在浴室地板上，在孤寂中哭得肝腸寸斷。喔，冷漠的世界——我對你、對可怕的浴室感到如此厭倦。When the crying doesn't stop, I go get myself a notebook and a pen (last refuge of a scoundrel) and I sit once more beside the toilet. I open to a blank page and scrawl my nowfamiliar plea of desperation:
由於無法停止哭泣，我給自己拿來筆記本和筆（壞蛋的最後一線生機），又一次在馬桶旁坐下。我打開空白頁，寫下早已熟悉的絕望請求："I NEED YOUR HELP."
“我需要你的幫忙。”Then a long exhale of relief comes as, in my own handwriting, my own constant friend (who is it?) commences loyally to my own rescue:
而後我如釋重負地吐一口長氣，我永遠的朋友（它是誰？）忠心耿耿地前來拯救我自己，親筆寫下："I'm right here. It's OK. I love you. I will never leave you . . ." Eat, Pray, Love
“我就在這裏。沒事。我愛你。我永遠不會離開你……”
