《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 5 (9):我生命中的男人們大綱

If I'd had any way of knowing that things were—as Lily Tomlin once said—going to get a whole lot worse before they got worse, I'm not sure how well I would have slept that night. But seven very difficult months later, I did leave my husband. When I finally made that decision, I thought the worst of it was over. This only shows how little I knew about divorce.

倘若有辦法知道情況會比變得更糟之前還糟上許多倍，我無法肯定那天晚上我會睡得怎麼樣。然而在七個艱苦的月份過後，我確實離開了我先生。我最後下這個決定時，以爲最壞的景況已經過去，然而這隻表明我對離婚所知甚少。

There was once a cartoon in The New Yorker magazine. Two women talking, one saying to the other: "If you really want to get to know someone, you have to divorce him." Of course, my experience was the opposite. I would say that if you really want to STOP knowing someone, you have to divorce him. Or her. Because this is what happened between me and my husband. I believe that we shocked each other by how swiftly we went from being the people who knew each other best in the world to being a pair of the most mutually incomprehensible strangers who ever lived. At the bottom of that strangeness was the abysmal fact that we were both doing something the other person would never have conceived possible; he never dreamed I would actually leave him, and I never in my wildest imagination thought he would make it so difficult for me to go.

《紐約客 》雜誌曾刊載過一幅漫畫。兩個女人在講話，一人對另一人說“你若真想了解一個人，就得跟他離婚。”當然，我的經驗正好相反。我會說，你若想“停止”瞭解一個人，就得跟他或她離婚。因爲這正是我跟我先生之間的情況。我相信我們彼此都驚恐地發現，我們從世界上最瞭解彼此的兩個人，迅速成爲史上最不理解對方的一對陌生人。在這種陌生感的底層，存在着一個糟透了的事實：我們兩人都在做對方意想不到的事情；他作夢也沒想過我會真的離開他，而我也從未料想過他會如此刁難，不讓我走。

It was my most sincere belief when I left my husband that we could settle our practical af-fairs in a few hours with a calculator, some common sense and a bit of goodwill toward the person we'd once loved. My initial suggestion was that we sell the house and divide all the as-sets fifty-fifty; it never occurred to me we'd proceed in any other way. He didn't find this sug-gestion fair. So I upped my offer, even suggesting this different kind of fifty-fifty split: What if he took all the assets and I took all the blame? But not even that offer would bring a settle-ment. Now I was at a loss. How do you negotiate once you’ve offered everything? I could do nothing now but wait for his counterproposal. My guilt at having left him forbade me from thinking I should be allowed to keep even a dime of the money I’d made in the last decade. Moreover, my newfound spirituality made it essential to me that we not battle. So this was my position—I would neither defend myself from him, nor would I fight him. For the longest time, against the counsel of all who cared about me, I resisted even consulting a lawyer, because I considered even that to be an act of war. I wanted to be all Gandhi about this. I wanted to be all Nelson Mandela about this. Not realizing at the time that both Gandhi and Mandela were lawyers.

我確信當我離開我先生的時候，我們能夠在幾個小時內用計算器、一些判斷力，以及面對我們曾經愛過的人所表現的誠意，來解決實際事務。我最初提議賣了房子，平分所有財產；我從沒想過以其他方式解決。他覺得這個提議不公平。於是我更進一步，甚至建議一種不同的平分方式：財產歸他，過錯歸我，如何？但即使這樣的提議，亦未能達成和解。如今我手足無措。想想看，一切都已交付出去，該如何繼續談判？如今我無能爲力，只能等候他的回覆。離他而去的罪惡感，阻止我考慮保留過去十年內所賺得的任何一分錢。此外，新發現的心靈信仰也使我不願讓我們彼此作戰。因此我的立場是——我既不抵抗他，也不去攻擊他。很長一段時間，我完全不聽從所有關心我的人的勸告，甚至抗拒找律師商量，因爲我甚至認爲這是一種交鋒之舉。我想和甘地一樣和平解決這一切 。我想當曼德拉，當時卻沒意識到，甘地和曼德拉都是律師。

Months passed. My life hung in limbo as I waited to be released, waited to see what the terms would be. We were living separately (he had moved into our Manhattan apartment), but nothing was resolved. Bills piled up, careers stalled, the house fell into ruin and my husband's silences were broken only by his occasional communications reminding me what a criminal jerk I was.

幾個月過去了，我的生活懸而未決，等待解脫，等待知道自己的刑期。我們已經分居（他已搬進我們的曼哈頓公寓），卻未解決任何事情。賬單成堆，事業耽誤，房子破敗不堪；我先生的沉默，只有在偶爾聯繫時提醒我是個可恥的混賬時，才被打破。

And then there was David.

而後大衛出現。

All the complications and traumas of those ugly divorce years were multiplied by the drama of David—the guy I fell in love with as I was taking leave of my marriage. Did I say that I "fell in love" with David? What I meant to say is that I dove out of my marriage and into David's arms exactly the same way a cartoon circus performer dives off a high platform and into a small cup of water, vanishing completely. I clung to David for escape from marriage as if he were the last helicopter pulling out of Saigon. I inflicted upon him my every hope for my salvation and happiness. And, yes, I did love him. But if I could think of a stronger word than "desperately" to describe how I loved David, I would use that word here, and desperate love is always the toughest way to do it.

在那幾個難堪的離婚年頭，因爲大衛——我在告別婚姻之時愛上的傢伙——而更節外生枝，倍增創傷。我是不是說我“愛上”大衛？我要說的是，我鑽出婚姻，一頭鑽入大衛懷裏，就像卡通裏的馬戲團演員從高臺跳下，鑽入一小杯水裏，消失得無影無蹤。我緊纏大衛，以擺脫婚姻，彷彿他是撤出西貢的最後一架直升機。我把自己所有的救贖和幸福都投注在大衛身上。是的，我確實愛他。但如果我能想到比“絕望”更強烈的字眼描述我對大衛的愛，我就會用在此處，而絕望的愛向來艱難無比。

I moved right in with David after I left my husband. He was—is—a gorgeous young man. A born New Yorker, an actor and writer, with those brown liquid-center Italian eyes that have always (have I already mentioned this?) unstitched me. Street-smart, independent, vegetarian, foulmouthed, spiritual, seductive. A rebel poet-Yogi from Yonkers. God's own sexy rookie shortstop. Bigger than life. Bigger than big. Or at least he was to me. The first time my best friend Susan heard me talking about him, she took one look at the high fever in my face and said to me, "Oh my God, baby, you are in so much trouble."

我離開我先生之後，立即搬去和大衛住。他一直是個漂亮的年輕人。生在紐約，一個演員兼作家，一雙水汪汪的意大利褐眼（我是否已提過這件事？）令我全身癱軟。機智，獨立，素食，滿口粗話，性靈，誘人。一個來自紐約郊區的反叛詩人兼瑜伽信徒。神專用的性感游擊手，大過於生活，大過於一切。至少這曾是我眼中的他。我的好友蘇珊第一次聽我談及他時，看了看我臉上的高燒，對我 說：“天啊，姑娘，你麻煩大了。”

David and I met because he was performing in a play based on short stories I'd written. He was playing a character I had invented, which is somewhat telling. In desperate love, it's always like this, isn't it? In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.

大衛和我的相識，是因爲他在根據我的短篇小說改編的戲劇中擔任演員。他扮演我捏造出來的角色，這似乎說明了問題癥結所在。絕望的愛情不總是如此嗎？在絕望的愛中，我們總是捏造伴侶的角色性格，要求他們滿足我們的需要。而在他們拒演我們一開始創造的角色時，我們便深受打擊 。

But, oh, we had such a great time together during those early months when he was still my romantic hero and I was still his living dream. It was excitement and compatibility like I'd never imagined. We invented our own language. We went on day trips and road trips. We hiked to the top of things, swam to the bottom of other things, planned the journeys across the world we would take together. We had more fun waiting in line together at the Department of Motor Vehicles than most couples have on their honey-moons. We gave each other the same nickname, so there would be no separation between us. We made goals, vows, promises and dinner together. He read books to me, and he did my laundry. (The first time that happened, I called Susan to report the marvel in astonishment, like I'd just seen a camel using a pay phone. I said, "A man just did my laundry! And he even hand-washed my delicates!" And she repeated: "Oh my God, baby, you are in so much trouble.")

然而，我們在頭幾個月裏一起度過多麼美妙的時光啊 ！那時他仍是我的浪漫英雄，我仍是他成真的美夢。我從未想象過能夠如此興奮與協調。我們創造我們獨有的語言。我們出遊。我們上山下海，計劃一同到全世界旅行。我們在監理所一同排隊的時候，比度蜜月的大多數佳偶更快樂。我們爲了不分你我而爲彼此取相同的綽號。我們一起設定目標、立誓、承諾、做晚餐。他念書給我聽，而且——他洗我的衣服。（頭一次發生時 ，我打電話給蘇珊，驚奇地報告這項奇蹟，就像我剛纔看見駱駝打公共電話。我說：“剛纔有個男人洗我的衣服！他甚至手洗我的內衣！”而蘇珊再說一次：“天啊，姑娘，你麻煩大了。”）

The first summer of Liz and David looked like the falling-in-love montage of every romantic movie you've ever seen, right down to the splashing in the surf and the running hand-in-hand through the golden meadows at twilight. At this time I was still thinking my divorce might actu-ally proceed gracefully, though I was giving my husband the summer off from talking about it so we could both cool down. Anyway, it was so easy not to think about all that loss in the midst of such happiness. Then that summer (otherwise known as "the reprieve") ended.

小莉和大衛的第一個夏天，看起來就像每一部浪漫電影中墜入愛河的蒙太奇，從海灘戲水，到攜手跑過黃昏時分的金色原野。當時的我依然認爲我的離婚進展順利，儘管我跟我先生沒在夏天談它，爲了讓彼此冷靜下來。不管怎麼說，在這樣的幸福當中，不去想到失敗的婚姻是很容易的事。然後，那個夏天（亦稱“苟安時期”）結束了。