《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 100 (241):良藥苦口

Then she went into the kitchen and produced a giant glass mixing bowl full of leaves, roots, berries, something I recognized as turmeric, some shaggy mass of something that looked like witches' hair, plus eye of what I believe might have been newt . . . all floating in its own brown juice. There was about a gallon of it in the bowl, whatever it was. It stank like a corpse.

"Drink, honey," Wayan said. "Drink all."

I suffered it down. And in less than two hours . . . well, we all know how the story ends. In less than two hours I was fine, totally healed. An infection that would have taken days to treat with Western antibiotics was gone. I tried to pay her for having fixed me up, but she only laughed. "My sister doesn't need to pay." Then she turned on Felipe, fake stern: "You be careful with her now. Only sleep tonight, no touching."

"You're not embarrassed to fix people for problems like this, from sex?" I asked Wayan.

"Liz—I'm healer. I fix all problems, with women's vaginas, with men's bananas. Sometimes for women, I even make fake penises. For making sex alone."

"Dildos?" I asked, shocked.

"Not everyone has Brazilian boyfriend, Liz," she admonished. Then she looked at Felipe and said brightly, "If you ever need help making stiff your banana, I can give you medicine."

I was busily assuring Wayan that Felipe needed not one bit of help with his banana, but he interrupted me—always the entrepreneur—to ask Wayan if this banana-stiffening therapy of hers could perhaps be bottled and marketed. "We could make a fortune," he said. But she ex-plained, no, it's not like that. All her medicines must be made fresh each day in order to work. And they must be accompanied by her prayers. Anyway, internal medicine is not the only way Wayan can firm up a man's banana, she assured us; she can also do this with massage. Then, to our lurid fascination, she described the different massages she does for men's im-potent bananas, how she grips around the base of the thing and kind of shakes it around for about an hour to encourage the blood to flow, while incanting special prayers.

I asked, "But Wayan—what happens when the man comes back every day and says, ‘Still not cured, Doctor! Need another banana massage!' " She laughed at this bawdy idea, and ad-mitted that, yes, she has to be careful not to spend too much time fixing men's bananas be-cause it causes a certain amount of . . . strong feeling . . . within her, which she isn't sure is good for the healing energy. And sometimes, yes, the men get out of control. (As you would, too, if you'd been impotent for years and suddenly this beautiful mahogany-skinned woman with long black silky hair gets the engine to turn over again.) She told us about the one man who leapt up and started chasing her around the room during an impotency cure, saying: "I need Wayan! I need Wayan!"

隨後她去了廚房，拿出一隻巨大的玻璃鉢，鉢裏裝滿葉、根、漿果、薑黃、一團看起來像巫婆頭髮的東西，還有我認爲是蠑螈的眼睛……全部浮在原本的棕色汁液中。鉢內的這玩意兒約有一加侖之多，臭得像屍體。

"親愛的，喝了吧，"大姐說，"全部喝掉。"

我忍着喝下去。不到兩個鐘頭……嗯，我們都清楚結局如何。兩個鐘頭不到，我沒事了，徹底痊癒。必須吃幾天西方抗生素才能治好的感染，全都消失了。我想付錢給她，作爲她把我醫好的代價，她卻只笑說："我的姐妹不需要付錢。"而後她轉身對斐利貝假裝嚴厲地說："你現在得小心待她。今晚只能睡覺，不準碰她。"

"醫治人們這些因爲性而引起的問題，不讓你覺得難堪？"我問大姐。

"小莉，我是治療師。我治療所有的問題，女人的陰道，男人的香蕉。有時候我甚至還爲女人制作假陰莖呢，讓她們獨自做愛。"

"人造生殖器？"我吃驚地問。

"小莉，不是人人都有個巴西男友。"她提醒道。然後她看看斐利貝，快活地說，"你如果有需要幫忙讓你的香蕉變硬，我能給你藥。"

我趕忙向大姐保證斐利貝的香蕉一點都不需要幫忙，但向來有生意頭腦的他打斷我，詢問大姐這種讓香蕉變硬的治療能否裝瓶上市。"能讓我們大賺一筆。"他說。但她說不是這樣的。她所有的藥都需要每天新鮮製作才能奏效，而且必須配合她的禱告。無論如何，她說，內服藥不是她讓男人香蕉硬挺的唯一方式，而按摩也能達到效果。而後我們驚異地聽她描述她爲男人不舉的香蕉所做的各種按摩，她如何抓着這玩意的底端，甩動一個小時，促進血液流動，同時念特殊禱詞。

我問："可是大姐——萬一男人每天回店裏來，說："還沒治好，醫師！需要再做一次香蕉按摩！"那怎麼辦？"這無聊的主意令她發笑，她承認是得當心別把太多時間花在治療男人的香蕉上，因爲這在她內心造成某種程度的……強烈感覺……她認爲這對醫療能量並無好處，有時確實會讓男人失控。（倘若你多年不舉，突然間這位一頭烏黑秀髮的褐膚女郎讓你的引擎再次運轉，你也會失控。）她說有個男人在某回治療不舉之際躍起身子，開始繞着房間追她，說："我需要大姐！我需要大姐！"